


iRaise Twins

by Samantha_Trewyn



Category: iCarly
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-03-15
Updated: 2012-03-15
Packaged: 2017-11-01 23:55:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 57,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/362707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samantha_Trewyn/pseuds/Samantha_Trewyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the adventures of raising twins in New York</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One Year Old

Since moving, Freddie had made a promise to keep in touch with his mom as much as he could, even vowing to talk to her at least once a week to update her on his life, the twins and New York. Most of the time she called him, at least three times a week, but there were times that he made it a point to get in touch with her. Sometimes, very rarely, he got lucky and she was too busy to talk. Between Liam and Lily it was usually noisy, messy and crazy in the apartment and the older they got the noisier, messier and crazier it got. She seemed to have impeccable timing because he was usually in the middle of doing something when she called. Today was no different.

 

“Yeah mom, I got the package,” he looked over into the kitchen at the twins. They were standing only inches from each other, speaking in baby babble he couldn’t understand.

 

“Well how do they look in the outfits?” his mother was stretching out what was intended to be a short conversation, despite the fact that he’d already told her he was in a hurry. “Are they cute? I wish you guys would come and visit me. You’ve been gone for way too long.”

 

“Yes, mom. They look cute in everything. They mostly just drool or spill on them, though. And you know we can’t just hop on a plane whenever we want to and fly over there. I have a job and—“

“It’s been nearly a year, Fredward, how do you expect me to be without my baby boy for that long?”

 

Freddie sighed. He had heard the same argument for the last six months and had explained each time that there wasn’t a way for him to gather up his wife and one year old twins and throw them on an airplane to Seattle. Even though he was 25 years old, his mother still thought if she demanded it long enough he would listen.

 

“Mom,” he heard a crash in the kitchen that was followed by childish giggles. He glanced into the kitchen and saw the twins staring down at something. He groaned, “mom, I have to go.”

 

“Let me talk to my grandbabies,”

 

“I’ll call you back after Sam gets home and they’re settled down. Right now just isn’t a good time, they’re really enjoying getting into everything today. I love you, though. I promise I’ll call later. Bye.” He hung up the phone before his mom could protest and ran into the kitchen. The floor was covered with water that had flown from the pot the twins knocked over. Both Lily and Liam patted their hands in the puddle, wide smiles spread across their faces. He had planned on cooking for Sam today and having the twins fed by the time she got home, but his phone had rung right as he was getting the water ready and, without thinking, he had set it on the stool to answer it. Freddie sighed, noting the wet clothes and the mess he was going to have to clean up. He’d given Sam the day to go and do whatever she wanted to do and was now regretting it. He never imagined taking care of two babies all day would be so much work. It gave him a new appreciation for his wife. He picked up the pot, setting it back on the counter where they couldn’t reach it and then scooped up the twins. Both had grown quite a bit, but Lily was still considerably smaller than Liam even though she had Sam’s appetite. Liam was a picky eater and no matter what Sam tried to feed him he refused it. She had gotten so frustrated one night that she threw the food and the spoon she was using to feed him in the garbage and walked away. Freddie had found a way to make him eat, but Sam refused to try it. She said when he was home he was more than welcome to mix whatever he wanted to together to make Liam eat, but otherwise she needed to feed and watch two babies at once and didn’t have the time to experiment with what he’d eat and what he wouldn’t. She would stick to what she knew he’d eat when she was by herself.

 

Freddie shut the nursery door before setting the twins down to keep them from running back into the hallway. From the minute they had learned to walk they’d been trying to escape. Baby gates covered the apartment and everything, even things they didn’t ever consider dangerous, was child proofed. They could reach a few spots, like the stool Freddie had set the water on, and those few spots were enough for them to do significant damage. To say they were a handful was to put it mildly. They were like forces of nature ripping into everything in their path.

 

Liam immediately ran to the door and reached for the handle. In a few months he’d probably be able to touch it, but for now he had no way out. He started crying and screaming, throwing himself on the floor. Lily pointed at him and looked up at Freddie. Freddie groaned, rolling his eyes. He was suddenly grateful for the time at GMA when he could get away from this and even more thankful that Sam even bothered keeping them at home all day. In one short year the twins had become the most spoiled children in New York.

 

“No, Lily. That’s not okay.”

 

Freddie reached into the closet, pulling out new clothes for them. He didn’t dare have them in anything wet or dirty when Sam got home. She’d become really particular about everything since they’d moved here, especially with Lily having Cystic Fibrosis. She thought every little thing in the world would make their baby girl sick. He laid Lily on the floor, struggling to keep her there long enough to undress and redress her. They were active babies and loved to give Freddie and Sam a hard time whenever possible. Liam had given up his tantrum and was now running around the room, getting into anything he could. By the time Freddie finally got Lily dressed anything within Liam’s reach would be on the floor. Lily was not pleased with having to lie still while Liam ran around.

 

“Come on, Lily. Sit still. Do you want mommy to be mad at me when she comes home?”

 

“Yes,”

 

Freddie couldn’t help but laugh. They’d learned to talk in a short period of time as well, covering words such as ‘mama’, ‘dada’, and yes; but their favorite was ‘no’. Those were the only words Freddie and Sam could make out, the rest was just babble. There were times he wished he could understand just what they were saying through their baby babble, especially when they were smiling and laughing and at moments where he could almost see them plotting away. The twins got the same look on their face right before they did something they knew they shouldn’t do that Sam did. It was almost as if she’d taught them the look. Usually Liam would babble away nonsense to Lily and Lily would giggle and respond in grunts or short moments of baby talk.

 

“No. We don’t want mommy to be mad when she comes home.”

 

“Freddie? Where are you?” he heard the door slam shut and was surprised she was home so quickly.

She’d only been gone for two hours.

 

“In the nursery,” he stood up, moving Liam out of the way before Sam could swing the door open. Sam gave him a puzzled look.

 

“What are you doing in here?”

 

“Changing your kids,”

 

“Why? What did they do? Why are they all wet?” she picked Liam up, laying him on his changing table and grabbing the new outfit from the floor.

 

“They thought it was funny to spill water all over the floor,”

 

Sam rolled her eyes, “Weren’t you watching them?” Liam looked around the room but lay perfectly still for Sam.

 

“I was trying to watch them but then Liam kept trying to get into things and my mom called and—“

 

“It’s not that hard, Freddie.”

 

“It’s not that easy, either.”

 

“Liam, were you being sassy for daddy?” she smiled, causing Liam to smile as well.

 

“No,” he said shortly. Sam laughed, “there you have it. How did they get water anyway?”

 

“I set the pot down on the chair and—“

 

“I can’t leave for two hours without the apartment being torn apart,” she laughed. Freddie smiled, picking Lily up off the floor and setting her on her feet.

 

“That’s because Lily and Liam love mommy more than daddy,”

 

“No. That’s because daddy lets them do whatever they wanna do.”

 

“Nothing wrong with spoiled babies,”

 

“Except they spill water on the floor. You better go clean it up before I let them out of here or they’re just going to go play in it again.”

 

“Right,” Freddie slid out the door, shutting it behind him and walked off towards the kitchen. He took a towel out of the cupboard and got on his hands and knees, soaking up the water and wishing for an easier way to do so. He threw the towel in the sink and put the pan on top of it. There was no use cooking now. He’d just take them all out to lunch or something.

 

Sam came out of the nursery with one baby in each arm. They were getting too big to be carried around at the same time, especially by a girl with a 5’2 frame and a small figure; Sam was obviously struggling to hold them both.

 

“Come take one of them. Are you done cleaning it up?”

 

“Yeah,” Freddie responded, taking Lily out of her arms. Even after a year Sam preferred to play with Liam and Freddie with Lily. It was like they had some sort of special connection to each other. Freddie threw Lily in the air, earning a disapproving and almost fearful look from Sam.

 

“Don’t do that! She’s gonna hit her head on something!”

 

“What is she going to hit her head on? The ceilings 12 feet up. Besides, she loves it,”

 

“Well what if she breathes in the dust?” Freddie stopped and stared at Sam.

 

“Are you serious?” he laughed.

 

“She could get really sick, Freddie! Were you even listening to the doctor last month when we went in?”

 

“Sam,” he set Lily on the floor and rubbed his forehead, “she can’t breathe in any more dust being tossed in the air than she could running around.”

 

“You don’t know that,”

 

“I do know that. Man, you’re turning into my mother.” He smiled.

 

Sam put Liam on the floor and he ran off to play with Lily then turned back on Freddie, “don’t you ever say that to me.” She clearly wasn’t amused by it.

 

“What?”

 

“I’m nothing like your mother,”

 

“Okay, Sam.”

 

“I’m not,”

 

“Whatever you say,” he shook his head, smiling again, and reached out to her.

 

“What? Because I worry about them I’m suddenly batshit crazy?”

 

“No,” Freddie groaned, “come on baby. I’m sorry. Why are you in such a bad mood?” he took her hand in his.

 

“Because the cab guy barely spoke English and he almost ran me over and he didn’t even know where he was going and when he finally got me to the salon he tried to charge me for all his wrong turns,”

 

“I have a feeling this isn’t going to be good,”

 

“So I slammed the door and went into the salon,”

 

“Did you pay him?”

 

“Just wait. So I went into the salon and this real prissy chick, kind of like Carly but worse, was standing behind the counter thing and she was acting all like ‘I’m so much better than you because I cut people’s hair’ and—“

 

“You didn’t pay the cab guy did you?”

 

“Shhh! I’m getting there. So then she FINALLY figured out my name even though it’s not that hard and I was, like, the only person there. Well then the cops came in,”

 

“Oh God,”

 

“Shut up. So they come in with the cab guy and the cab guys all like ‘she no pay, she no pay’ and the cop guys like ‘did you pay this guy?’ and I was like ‘No. I’m not paying for 17 miles when it’s only five miles from my apartment to the salon over here. Maybe Julio here should learn where he’s going or get a GPS.’ Well apparently the cop didn’t like that because he’s all ‘you have to pay him,’ and—“

 

“Sam, I’m really worried about what you’re about to tell me.”

 

“—I told him ‘no. I’m not going to pay a guy who can’t drive a straight line with ONE turn.’ And he’s like ‘you used the service, you have to pay,’ and I said ‘Did you just hear me? I’m not paying the guy’—“

 

“I can’t let you go anywhere by yourself,”

 

“And so the cops like ‘if you don’t pay him it counts as theft’ and I was like ‘uhh, no. I didn’t steal anything. I’m not paying him. When he figures out how much it costs to go five miles then I’ll pay him, but I’m not paying for a 17 mile trip just because he didn’t know where he was going.’ And then the cops like ‘well if you don’t pay we’re going to have to arrest you’ and—“

 

“Sam, I don’t want to hear this,”

 

“I laughed and said ‘go ahead and arrest me, still won’t make me pay the 12 extra miles,’ and they looked at me and then they wrote me a ticket for how much it cost to go 17 miles for a 5 mile trip. Then I ripped it up and—“

 

“Sam—“

 

“threw it on the floor and stomped on it and then he wrote me another ticket for the cab fare and then one for something else I don’t remember and told me if I ripped it up again he was going to tase me and—“

 

“Okay. Enough. Since when did you go back to acting like a teenager?”

 

“He tried to rip me off,”

 

“But you’re an adult and a parent now, Sam, you can’t be acting like that even if we are in New York.”

 

“I’m fighting these tickets,”

 

“You should have just paid the guy,”

 

“No way!”

 

“Sam, it’s not like we couldn’t afford it.”

 

“Really? You want to pay a cab driver 50 bucks to go to the salon,”

 

“If it keeps you out of jail,”

 

Sam was silent for a minute before sighing, “yeah I guess. Besides, you can’t make a baby in jail,” she stepped closer to him with a mischievous smile and wrapped her arms around him.

 

Freddie shook his head, “no more babies, Sam.”

 

“I thought you said we could have as many babies as I wanted,”

 

“No. Way. Three is enough,”

 

“But they aren’t babies anymore,”

 

“They are close enough to babies,”

 

“You know you want more,”

 

“No. I know that Lily and Liam running around getting into everything is plenty enough,”

 

“Relax. I’m kidding,” she backed away from him, “I never want to have another baby again as long as I live. I swear if I ever have to push another kid out—“

 

“Okay, Sam. The twins are right there and they can hear you.”

 

Sam turned, “weren’t they across the room five seconds ago?”

 

“They’re babies, they move quick. Now come on. Help me get them ready, we’re going out.”

 

“What did you feed them today?”

 

“You fed them,”

 

“Oh yeah, that’s right,” she smiled a devilish smile, “that explains it then,”

 

“I worry about you,”

 

“Everyone does,”

 

X

 

Freddie had fallen asleep on the couch with Liam next to him. They’d been watching a movie, which Sam promptly turned off before walking into the nursery to check on Lily, who was still fast asleep. After they’d gone to lunch Sam and Freddie had taken the twins to the park to wear them out. It worked like a charm, but also wore Freddie out. Sam was hoping to have the twins in bed early so they could have adult conversation without the sound of baby babble or the small pitter patter of their footsteps.

 

Apparently the only adult she was going to be allowed to talk to tonight was herself. She would wake Freddie up, but he had to work the next morning and seeing him and Liam together made her smile. When she watched Freddie do anything with the twins it was like she was looking at a whole different person. He had a sort of light on his face when he was with them. It was the light that told Sam that he’d never let anything happen to either of them and when she watched him cuddle with either one it made it more obvious. The babies had become his life now and whatever rare moments she could just stop and stare at him with one or both of the twins she cherished. She loved to gather the mental pictures in her head. Sam had known he’d be a good father from day one, but never imagined being in the city that never sleeps a year later admiring just how great of a father he was.

 

It had taken her a while to get used to being in New York. There was always somebody in the hallway. Half the time there was some sort of drunk argument happening right in front of their door at 2:00 in the morning that woke her up and made her worry that someone would either break in or wake the twins up. After three weeks of it she’d gone out into the hallway and told them to shut up and get away from her door before they ended up in the hospital. The fights now moved down the hall, and although they were quieter it was still a pain in the ass to listen to. She was surprised that the life outside her window wasn’t nearly as loud as she had expected it to be. It was like background music in a movie, loud enough to hear but not to be affected by. The twins made more noise than the cars on the street below. The apartment they were in now was bigger than the one they had in Seattle and had much more room for the twins to run around. The nicest part was that people weren’t just stopping by whenever they wanted to; they had the privacy they had needed for years.

 

Sam kissed both of their foreheads, stopping for a minute to just look at them both, and headed into their bedroom. She picked her phone up off the table and noticed a new text message from Carly.

_Hey, how are the twins?_

 

She laughed. Carly was almost as bad as Freddie’s mom. She always wanted to know how life was in New York. Sam understood, though. Carly’s best friends had moved across the country and without them she didn’t have much to occupy her time.

 

_They’re good. Sleeping right now._

She set the phone to the side and changed into an over-sized t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. She walked into the bathroom, turned the sink on and splashed water on her face before looking in the mirror. She felt old, like she was 45 instead of 25, and imagined she looked just as old as she felt. Freddie had reassured her many times that she didn’t even look like she was 25. He’d laugh and say ‘if you didn’t wear a wedding ring people would think I was some sort of pedophile.’

 

She walked back into their room and picked her phone up again.

 

_I miss you guys. Call me tomorrow. I want to talk to the twins._

She smiled. Of course Carly wanted to talk to the twins. Everyone did. She pretended she didn’t see the people staring at her babies then they went out, but it made her proud. They were her babies and everyone loved them, even complete strangers.

 

_We miss you, too. I will call you. The twins want to talk to Aunt Carly too. Goodnight._

 

She turned the light off and climbed into bed. The last year had been full of dirty diapers, arguments, messy babies, hospital visits, doctor’s appointments, lots of love, kisses, hugs, drama and mistakes mixed with very little sleep but when she looked at her family it all meshed together into perfection. This was what she always wanted, even before she knew she wanted it, and she wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.


	2. Two Years Old

“No Lily, don’t touch that,”

For whatever reason, Sam thought it was a good idea to bring the twins to the studio to watch Freddie work. It sounded nice before they got there, but now that they had been there for half an hour she realized she had made a huge mistake.

“Don’t yell at her, Freddie, she’s only two. She doesn’t understand. Besides, she’s just curious,”

“Sam, that’s a $3,000 camera she’s playing around with.”

“She likes it,” Sam laughed, pulling Lily away from the expensive equipment in front of her, “right baby girl? Tell daddy ‘I’m gonna be a nub like you,’” Freddie rolled his eyes.

“Daddy’s a nub.” Lily giggled. Sam burst into a fit of laughter.

“That’s even better,”

“Can you take them to the daycare please? I’m trying to work,”

Sam’s smile became sarcastic as she looked at Lily, “daddy’s grumpy, Lily bug,”

“Daddy?”

“What Liam?” he looked at the blonde haired, blue eyed little boy staring up at him. It reminded him of the time he’d gotten ahold of one of the few baby pictures of Sam. Liam was still the spitting image of her to this day. Liam flashed a wide smile, yielding one from his father. It was the way Freddie always got the twins to stop throwing a fit.

“Okay little dude,” Freddie laughed, “go with mommy.”

“I wanna watch,”

“No, you go play with the other kids,”

Liam screamed as loud as he could manage and started running around, causing both Sam and Freddie to sigh and the rest of the studio to stare.

“This is why I didn’t want them here,”

“Oh lay off already. The only reason he’s acting like that is because he wants to hang out with you.”

“I have to work, Sam!”

“Watch yourself, Benson.”

Freddie huffed, “Liam! Stop it!”

“If you’d stop yelling and actually hug him he would,” Sam knew Freddie hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before because of Liam and she’d hoped that having the babies there would put him in a better mood, but it was just testing his patience.

In one swift motion Freddie got ahold of Liam and picked him up. The screaming subsided and Liam rested his head contently on his father’s shoulder.

“See? He just wants to hang out with you,”

“I don’t have time to hang out right now. Besides, it’s naptime.”

“I’m sorry baby, I thought this would help,”

“Just take them home,”

Sam sighed, “Say bye to daddy Liam baby,”

“I wanna stay,” Liam yawned.

“No, we’re going home. It’s nap time. And don’t start throwing a fit either. Daddy has work to do,”

“Freddie! Show starts in thirty minutes!” Alex hollered. Freddie sighed, rubbing Liam’s back at the sound of sniffling.

“I know, little man, but we can hang out later when I get home. Be a good boy and go with mommy.” He set Liam back on the ground and took Lily out of Sam’s arms.

“You gonna listen to mommy?”

Lily nodded, “uh huh.”

“Good girl,” Freddie smiled and set her down next to Liam. Sam took one hand of each twin and led them out the door.

“Crazy family, huh?” Alex asked. Freddie rolled his eyes and tried to ignore his boss. He’d thought he knew what he was getting into when he came here, but Alex was worse than Jack. She was always in his business and anytime the twin’s acted up or said something she didn’t agree with she had to comment on it. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Not really. They’re absolutely perfect to me.” Alex picked up on the irritation.

“Well enough of the chit chat. We have a show to do,” she walked away, clapping her hands together and yelling out commands at everyone on the set. Freddie shook his head.

“Cue, Kaitley!”

“Yes ma’am. In 5, 4, 3, 2,”

X

“You’re up, daddy.” Sam was standing in the doorway with her arms folded. Freddie looked at her and shut the T.V. off with a laugh.

“It can’t be that hard to bathe them,”

Sam scoffed, “Good. Then this should be a cakewalk for you.”

“Let’s go,” Freddie stood up and followed Sam into the bathroom where both twins were running around, laughing.

“Okay. Come here. It’s bath time,” Freddie announced.

“Mistake number one,” Sam smiled. Both twins ran to the corner, crying. Freddie looked at Sam who couldn’t contain her laughter.

“When did they start hating bathtime?”

“Three days ago,”

Freddie sighed, “Come on guys, you used to love this.”

“No bath,” Liam demanded. Sam snorted and Freddie turned his head to look at her again. She was covering her face with her hands but he could see her whole body shaking.

“Come on,” he turned back to the twins, “it’s not so bad.”

“No bath!” Lily screamed loudly. Sam turned towards the wall and Freddie thought at any second she might stop breathing and pass out. He didn’t understand what was so funny. The screaming and the laughing were starting to give him a headache.

“Yes. It’s bathtime,” he rubbed his forehead, “Lily! Stop screaming. It’s not going to get you anywhere,”

Sam took a deep breath, trying to calm herself, “She’s not going to stop,” she smiled smugly. Freddie sighed again and turned on the water. He now understood why the last three days had sounded like a horror movie at 7:00 at night.

He picked Lily up, laying her on the bathroom floor and trying to undress her while she kicked and screamed.

“Lily! Knock it off! This is ridiculous!”

“Less talking makes it go quicker, daddy.” Sam shook her head, taking another deep breath to keep the laughter in. She’d done this for the last three days and watching Freddie struggle with it was her entertainment for the night. She knew it wasn’t right to laugh at his lack of ability to bathe two babies, but it was just so funny to watch.

“How do you do this?” Freddie asked.

“That’s my little secret,”

Freddie picked Lily up and placed her in the bathtub before laying Liam on the floor. He no sooner got Liam’s shirt off when Lily climbed out of the tub.

“No,” Freddie picked her up, setting her back in the water, “stay in the bath, Lily.” He turned back to where Liam had been laying only to see an empty spot and the door wide open. He walked towards the bathroom door quickly.

“Mistake number 2, Benson! You can’t leave a two year old in the bath by themselves!”

“Well what am I supposed to do with her?”

“What do you think you should do with her?”

Freddie groaned and walked back to the bathtub to pick Lily up.

“Let’s go find your brother,” Freddie walked down the hall carrying Lily.

“Liam come on! I’m not playing around!” he walked into the twin’s room and saw Liam hiding under the bed. He put the baby gate up just in case Lily opened the door and then shut the door. He set Lily down and pulled Liam out from under the bed, laying him on his back.

“Daddy I hafta go potty,”

“Just wait, Lily.”

“But daddy!”

“Just give me two seconds baby girl,”

“But I hafta go now, daddy!”

“Lily I promise I will take you to the bathroom in two seconds. Just let me get your brother ready for bathtime.”

Lily frowned, “Daddy?”

“Liam sit still. Come on, you’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

“Daddy!”

“Lily, just wait!”

“I can’t!” he heard her start to cry again and sighed. He picked Liam up and set him on his feet then turned back to Lily. Sam had opened the door and was standing on the other side of the gate. Both were looking at the puddle of urine Lily was standing in.

“Lily—“

“Nope,” Sam interrupted, “you made her wait,”

“I’m sorry daddy.” Lily rubbed her eyes and Freddie took a deep breath before walking over to her.

“It’s okay, baby. You didn’t mean to. You don’t have to cry.” He picked her up and Sam grabbed Liam. Freddie set Lily in the bath and Sam followed with Liam. Freddie stood up, putting his hands on top of his head and closing his eyes.

“Can you watch them a second?” he asked.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll go clean it up,”

“You’re amazing,”

“I know,”

Sam left Freddie alone with the twins. They were both looking up at him. Lily was still sniffling.

“Can we just do this?”

“Yes daddy,” they said in unison. Freddie knelt beside the tub, picking up the shampoo.

X

“Once upon a time there were three little pigs and the time came for them to leave home and seek their fortunes. Before they left their mother told them ‘whatever you do, do it to the best that you can because that’s the way to get along in the world,’” Freddie was sitting between Lily and Liam on Lily’s bed. Lily was curled up against his side and Liam was sitting on his lap, “the first little pig built his house out of straw because it was the easiest thing to do. The second little pig built his house out of sticks. This was a little bit stronger than a straw house. The third little pig built his house out of bricks.”

Sam was standing in the doorway watching them. Freddie never skipped story time with the twins; it was his favorite part of the day. He loved feeding their imaginations the nonsense she had lived without.

“One night the big bad wolf, who dearly loved to eat little piggy’s, came along and saw the first little pig in his house of straw. He said ‘let me in, let me in little pig or I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in!’ ‘Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin,’ said the little pig.” Sam bit her tongue to keep from laughing at Freddie’s pig voice. She didn’t want him to know she was watching. The twins were so intrigued that they didn’t care what voices he made.

“But of course the wolf did blow the house in and ate the first little pig. The wolf then came to the house of sticks. ‘Let me in, let me in little pig or I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in!’ ‘Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin,’ said the second little pig. But the wolf did blow in the house of sticks and ate the second little pig. The wolf then came to the house of bricks. ‘Let me in, let me in or I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in!’ the wolf cried. ‘Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin,’ said the little pig. Well, the wolf huffed and he puffed but he could not blow that brick house down. But the wolf was a sly old wolf and he climbed up on the roof to look for a way into the brick house.” The twins mouths were hanging open, waiting to hear what happened next, “the little pig saw the wolf climb onto the roof and lit a roaring fire in the fireplace and placed on it a large kettle of water. When the wolf finally found the hole in the chimney he crawled down and,” he looked at the twins, “kersplash! Right into that kettle of water and that was the end of his troubles with the big, bad wolf. The next day the little pig invited his mother over. She said ‘you see, it is just as I told you. The way to get along in the world is to do things as well as you can.’ Fortunately for that little pig he learned that lesson. And he lived happily ever after.”

Freddie closed the book and set it on the bookshelf between the twin’s beds.

“Daddy?”

“What princess?”

“Where is the third little pig?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m a little pig and Liam’s a little pig. Where’s the third one?”

“She’s in heaven, baby.”

“Heaven?”

“Yeah. In the sky.”

“Why?”

“Because God needed her,”

“Why?”

“To watch over you and Liam.”

“Why?”

“To make sure you guys are safe and happy. Just like she always will. Now come on. Bedtime.” He stood up and carried Liam over to his bed. He tucked the blanket around him and kissed his forehead.

“I love you, Liam Andrew.”

“Love you daddy.”

Freddie walked over to Lily and tucked the blanket around her, kissed her forehead and smiled.

“Goodnight my curious little girl,”

“Night daddy.”

“I love you,”

“Love you too, daddy.”

Freddie walked out of the room and caught Sam just around the corner. She was leaning against the wall with her arms folded and her eyes on the floor. He stepped in front of her and pulled her closer to him.

“Don’t be sad, baby. She’s just curious.”

“I know she is. I just wish Cassie was here for them to actually see.”

“Me too,”

“Do you think they understand?”

“No, they’re too little to understand right now. But someday they will.”

Sam sighed, “yeah.”

“Hey,” he lifted her face, “don’t be upset. She’s safe and happy and the twins are safe and happy. You’re an amazing mother. There’s tons to look at when you’re missing her.”

“I know,”

“Let’s go to bed. I’m beat.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Sam started to walk away but Freddie stopped her. He pulled her to him again and kissed her deeply. He missed these moments. Now that the twins could talk and run he had no time alone with Sam; most nights if they tried to have sex it was interrupted by crying. One time Lily had actually walked in. Sam almost had a heart attack that night.

“I love you,” Freddie mumbled. Sam smiled.

“I love you too.”


	3. Three Years Old

Sam sat in the kitchen, looking through the twins’ baby books and waiting for them to wake up. These days she woke up when Freddie did and ended up like this; wide awake with nothing to do. The twins slept in later and later every day. She used to enjoy the silence, but now it was just boring.

“Mommy?” Sam looked over at the clock and was surprised when she noticed it was barely 6:00. Lily never woke up that early. She closed the baby book and walked to the twin’s room. Lily was sitting up and rubbing her eyes. Sam walked into the room and sat on Lily’s bed, pulling the little girl into her lap.

“What’s wrong baby girl?”

“I don’t feel good, mommy.”

“What doesn’t feel good?”

Lily pointed to her stomach, “Right here.”

“You’re tummy?”

“No.”

“Well what’s wrong?”

She pointed to her heart and Sam sighed.

“Does your chest hurt?”

“No.”

“Then what is it, Lily bug?”

“I don’t feel good!” Lily whined, tears falling from her eyes. Sam sighed again; knowing asking her any more questions was useless. A three year old wouldn’t be able to tell her anything.

“Okay baby, let’s go watch a movie huh?”

Lily nodded and Sam stood up, picking Lily up with her. She put a hand to Lily’s forehead and then her neck, noting the fever that seemed to be climbing. She thought back the past few days. Lily hadn’t been acting like herself; she’d been tired and coughing with no interest in playing or eating.

“Honey?”

“Huh?”

“Did you feel good yesterday?”

“No mommy.”

“How about the day before yesterday?”

“I don’t know.”

“How come you didn’t tell mommy or daddy you weren’t feeling good yesterday?”

“I don’t know.”

Sam set Lily on the couch and looked through the collection of children’s movies that had taken over the spot that used to be host to horror films and bad comedies. Lily and Liam had made their presence known since day one and although the adjustment had been strange at first; toys everywhere, laundry every single day, sometimes twice a day, and bottles or sippy cups that seemed to multiply, the chaos turned into a routine and became comfortable and the adjustments didn’t seem so big.

“What do you want to watch, sweetheart?”

Lily coughed and Sam’s heart stopped. Lily looked so small and with her Cystic Fibrosis she could get sick easily. Anytime she even made a wrong move Sam was there making sure she wasn’t hurt or sick. Both Freddie and his mom had told her she couldn’t bring Lily in for every little sniffle or sneeze, but it didn’t stop the worry. She’d been diligent and so far they’d been lucky – no serious instances, but somehow, this time felt different. Regardless, she popped _Bambi_ into the DVD player and went back to the couch to cuddle her daughter. She sat down and wrapped the blanket that always sat on the back of their couch around Lily before pulling her onto her lap. She’d probably watched _Bambi_ about 200 times since the twins were born, but it was still Lily’s favorite movie and whenever she was under the weather she threw it in for her.

Half an hour into the movie Sam could tell things weren’t getting better. It was getting worse. When Lily breathed it sounded like she was desperate for air and the dry coughing she’d been doing the last few days had turned into a disgusting mix of mucus and water. Sam tried to remain calm – doing all the things Lily’s pediatrician recommended to help her breath, but when it came down to it she was panicking.

She set Lily aside and went into the bathroom. Mrs. Benson had sent over a kit with a thermometer, stethoscope, nasal aspirator (which had come in handy several times) and a mess of other things Sam had never heard of. She grabbed the entire kit and hauled it back into the living room. She had no idea how Mrs. Benson had even managed to get it over here, it was the most ridiculous thing she’d ever seen. Now, though, it was her lifeline.

She sat next to Lily on the couch and opened the kit, taking out the stethoscope. The fever was already established, now she wanted to hear what was going on inside her baby girl. She lifted the back of Lily’s shirt up and pressed the stethoscope to her back.

“Remember what we always do for the doctor? The big breaths? Can you do that for mommy?”

Lily tried but just ended up crying. Sam’s worry grew and the panic she felt for her daughter was equal to the fear she had of scaring Lily by showing it. She threw the stethoscope aside and grabbed her phone. She quickly scrolled through her contacts, trying not to let the worry show on her face, and called Freddie.

“Mommy?”

“What baby?”

“It hurts.”

“I know honey.”

“Sam?” for a split second she almost regretted calling. What if it was nothing and she made Freddie leave work because she was constantly worried.

“Freddie. I think Lily needs to go to the hospital.”

“Wha—Sam, I thought we talked about this!”

“Okay, please don’t argue with me. I’m being serious. She’s really sick!”

“Mommy,” Lily continued to cry and Sam took a deep breath, trying to keep herself from crying as well. Watching her baby girl in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it was killing her.

“Please, Freddie.”

Freddie sighed. Hearing Lily’s cries in the background, he knew that Sam was right. “Okay. I’ll be there in ten minutes. Is Liam awake?”

“Not yet, but I’m going to wake him up.”

“Alright. Go get them ready. I’m leaving now.”

“Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me for doing what I’m supposed to do – taking care of you and the twins. The three of you are my top priority. Besides, Alex knows she can’t replace me. Now hurry up. Bye.”

Sam hung up the phone and picked Lily up from the couch.

“We’re going to go to the doctor, baby, and they’ll take care of you okay?”

“I don’t like the doctor.”

“I know but they’re going to give you all this good stuff so you aren’t sick anymore.” She set Lily back on her bed and walked across the room to Liam, who was still fast asleep. She picked him up and his eyes fluttered open.

“Good morning sunshine. Will you help mommy? We’re going to go to the doctor.”

“Why?”

“Because Lily doesn’t feel good. How do you feel?”

“Okay.”

“Nothing hurts?”

“Uh uh.”

“Okay, can you go change your clothes please?” she reached into the closet and pulled out an outfit for her son. She put Liam on the floor and handed him the clothes.

“Okay mommy.” he walked towards his bed and Sam grabbed Lily’s clothes from the closet. She turned back to her.

“Okay baby, let’s get you dressed okay?”

Lily nodded and Sam kneeled in front of her. Her whole body was warm and just seemed to get hotter by the minute. She got Lily dressed and looked at the clock. She only had five minutes until Freddie showed up and one look at Liam told her those five minutes would be precious.

“Come here little man.” Liam walked over to Sam and she took his shirt off, turning it right side out and pulling it back over his head, “you’re so silly,” she smiled. She reached under the shelf she’d put in their room to replace the changing tables and grabbed two pairs of shoes, “come on, sit down. Let’s go.” Liam plopped onto the floor and Sam quickly put his shoes on him, “go sit in the living room please.”

She slid Lily’s shoes on and picked her up again. Lily laid her head on her mother’s shoulder and although the crying had subsided she was still sniffling. She no sooner stepped out the door of the twin’s room when Freddie walked into the apartment. He immediately made his way to Sam and Lily and pushed Lily’s hair out of her face.

“What’s wrong baby girl? Not feeling good?” Lily, who had her thumb stuck in her mouth, shook her head.

“Is Alex mad?” Sam asked, knowing she needed Freddie with her but concerned at the impact it would have on his job.

“She’s not there today. And no, they aren’t mad.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Hey. Don’t apologize. I told you already the twins are more important.”

“Will you grab Liam?”

Freddie turned and smiled at his son. Liam smiled back, though still half asleep, and reached his arms up to Freddie. Freddie accepted the invitation and scooped him up into his arms.

“Alright, come on.”

X

“Hi there, I’m Dr. Hansen,” an older man with gray hair and a balding spot plopped right in the middle of his head walked into the room and held his hand out to Freddie. He spoke in a thick Boston accent. Freddie, being the man he was, instantly shook his hand. Sam was not so interested and, instead, continued to rock Lily back and forth. The doctor smiled and looked at the little girl wrapped up in Sam’s arms, “what have we got here today?”

“You’re the doctor, you’re supposed to tell us remember?”

“Sam,”

“I’m sorry. I’m just…”

“I know,” Freddie turned back to the doctor, “she’s got Cystic Fibrosis. She’s been coughing a lot today and complaining that she’s in pain.”

“Alright well why don’t you set the little lady on the table and we’ll take a look at her.”

Sam put Lily on the table, but remained by her side holding her small hand. This was the first time in three years they’d ever had to bring her into the hospital emergency room and she was a mess of nerves and fear waiting to find out just what was going on with her daughter.

“Alright, hi there. What’s your name sweetheart?” the doctor was at eye level with Lily and the small movement made Sam more comfortable with him handling her little girl.

“Lily,”

“Oh, Lily? That’s such a pretty name. Did you pick it out?”

“No. My mommy and daddy did.”

“Well I think that name fits you very well, Lily. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“I don’t feel good.”

“Do you have a tummy ache?”

“Nuh uh.”

“Okay, let me guess again. Do you have….a sore throat?”

“No.”

“Okay, okay. Do you have a cough? Have you been coughing a lot?”

“Uh huh.”

“Do you feel hot or cold?”

“Umm…sometimes I feel hot.”

“And does it hurt when you take a big breath?”

“Uh huh.”

“Okay, can I talk to your mommy and daddy a minute?”

“Yeah.”

Doctor Hansen stood up again and looked from Sam to Freddie.

“How long has she felt sick?”

“I don’t know, she’s three, it’s not like she can just come out and say she hasn’t been feeling good for a week or something. All I know is that she doesn’t feel good. She said she didn’t feel good yesterday either. She’s coughing; she’s got this mucus that she keeps coughing up. She can barely breathe, especially deep enough for me to hear what’s going on. She hasn’t been eating as much as she usually does. She sleeps all the time. She doesn’t want to play and she just looks miserable.” Sam folded her arms and Freddie put his arm around her.

“Okay, and has she been throwing up at all?”

“No. She just coughs up that mucus stuff.”

“When’s the last time she ate?”

Sam and Freddie looked at each other and shrugged.

“Do you mean a meal or in general?”

“Both.”

“Well she picked at her food at dinner last night but didn’t really eat anything. The last time she ate a meal was probably a few days ago. She’s just not been up to it and she’s usually pretty good about it. She ate half an orange when she woke up yesterday and some crackers before bed. She hasn’t really done much more than snacking really.”

“What about fluids?”

“She’s been drinking water like crazy but that’s about it.”

“Alright, well let’s find out what’s going on huh?” he turned back to Lily and lifted the back of her shirt up, just as Sam had done back at the apartment. He placed the stethoscope on her back.

“Can you take a big breath for me, Lily?”

Just like at the apartment she gave it a shot and gave up quickly, tears streaming down her face again. The doctor showed no concern and just moved the stethoscope out of the way.

“It sounds like there’s something in her lungs that’s making it difficult for her to breathe. It could be mucus or water or both. I’m thinking she has some sort of lung infection, but I’d like to take a blood sample to test.”

“What? You want to stick—“

“Sam!” Sam looked at Freddie’s face and then followed his gaze to Lily. She looked scared, “Sam, why don’t you take Liam out to the waiting area?” she looked back at Freddie and nodded.

“Okay.” She knew better than to try to stick around while they took blood from the innocent three year old. She took Liam’s hand and walked out of the room with him. The doctor followed her out and walked the opposite direction.

“Mommy?”

“What honey?”

“What’s a blood sample?”

“It’s when they have to take some of your blood to check for sickness.”

“Does it hurt?”

Sam hesitated then sighed. “No baby, it doesn’t hurt.”

“How come daddy wanted us to leave?”

“Because he wants to be with Lily by himself,”

“Why?”

“Just because, Liam. Please, honey, just stop asking questions.” She turned around once and saw Doctor Hansen with two nurses enter the room again. She wanted to go back and hold Lily, but she had Liam and an ever-growing fear and if she went back she’d break down before they even got the needle close to her daughter.

“Come on, Liam. Let’s go play in the waiting room.” They had just started to walk away again when she heard Lily start screaming. It was in that moment that she could feel every ounce of pain and hurt that Lily was feeling and it tore her apart. Nobody had warned her about this part of motherhood. Nobody had told her that watching her babies in pain would take its toll on her. She needed to talk to someone.

“Liam, go play over there please.” She let go of her son’s hand and watched him run off to the other little boy by the toys and puzzles in the room. She sat down and pulled her cell phone out, trying to forget the screaming her little girl was doing. She scrolled through her contacts until she hit the name ‘Crazy.’

“Samantha? What’s wrong?”

“I—I don’t know. Lily’s sick and they’re taking her blood and I’m about to go into panic mode. I can’t do this,”

“What do you mean? How sick is she?”

“I don’t know, she’s just sick. It’s like everything’s hurting her and I can’t take it away. And listening to her scream it’s just—“

“Where’s Freddie?”

“He’s in with her. What do I do? I don’t want to scare her or Liam,”

“Just stay calm, Samantha. That’s all you can do.”

“I can’t stay calm. That’s my baby,”

“I know. I had a baby once too. Then he grew up. But the fear you have for your babies will always be there. You just have to stay calm for them. Lily’s probably very scared and if she sees you’re scared she’ll be even more scared,”

“I know. I just,“ she looked up to see Freddie approaching the room, “look, Freddie’s coming in so I’m gonna go.”

“Call me and let me know what’s going on,”

“Okay, I will. Thanks Cra—Marissa.” She hung up the phone and stood up. Freddie walked into the room and hugged her.

“It’s okay babe, she’s fine. She was more scared of the needle than hurt by it. Just relax.” He kissed the top of her head.

“I can’t just relax when I can hear her screaming down the hall,”

“I know. Trust me, I know. I would have given anything to switch places with her, but she’s fine. She’s still a little shaken up, but she keeps asking for you,” he pulled away from her and looked her in the eye, “please just breathe. I know it’s hard, but I know you can manage it. Especially for Lily.” Sam nodded and swallowed hard. She thought they’d done everything right for Lily to keep her from this, but surprises snuck up on people and made them wonder where they went wrong. She stepped away from Freddie, holding has hand for a second before walking back down the hall to the room Lily was in. She took a deep breath, swallowing back the tears threatening to escape from behind her eyes, and entered the room. Lily was still crying and Sam instantly pulled her into her arms.

 “It’s okay, baby girl. It’s all done now.”

She stood in the middle of the room rocking Lily back and forth until the sobs subsided. She wanted to kiss away all the pain, but it wouldn’t be like magic this time. She’d still be hurting.

“So did you get a cool band-aid?”

“Yeah, look.” Lily held her arm out, flaunting a Dora the Explorer band-aid and a wide grin, recent tears making her brown eyes shine.

“Oh that’s so cool! I want one!”

“He said only big girls get them.”

“Oh, I’m not a big girl?”

Lily giggled, “Noooo, you’re a mommy.”

“Oh, I am? Since when?”

To see Lily smile was worth the foolishness and she’d do it anytime she had to in order to make her kids happy.

“Mommy!”

“Oh! I’m YOUR mommy?”

“Yeah!”

“Well then I must be the luckiest mommy in the world.”

X

A week had passed since the hospital scare and they had waited two days to find out what was wrong. Lily was diagnosed with a lung infection and giving antibiotics to kill it off. After the third day of taking them she was back to her chipper self, and just in time, too, because it was Christmas.

It was 11:00 at night on Christmas Eve and Sam and Freddie were up in their bedroom wrapping gifts. They’d spent the last two hours wrapping and writing and hoping the twins didn’t wake up. Not only were they tired from spending hours preparing for the next day, but Lily and Liam had insisted on baking more cookies than necessary for Santa. Sam contemplated just throwing them out and pretending Santa ate them all, but she’d done that last year and had been caught. Lily cried practically all day because Santa didn’t like her cookies.

“Why do we buy them so much stuff?” Freddie looked over at Sam and noticed the smile playing on her lips.

“Because they’re the cutest little babies in the world.”

“They aren’t really babies anymore, Sam. They’re 3 years old. They’ll be 4 in July.”

“Don’t remind me. What happened? I thought they were going to stay cute and little forever.”

“Time?”

“Time.”

“Oh my God, I swear I never want to look at another cookie again as long as I live.”

“That I will agree with you on. What is _with_ these kids?”

“Santa’s gonna be real hungry when he comes to our house ‘cause he’ll be flying all night,” Freddie imitated. Sam laughed.

“Leave it to Lily.”

“She’s your daughter.”

“Not when she says nubby stuff like that.”

“Whatever you say.”

“Oh well. At least we’re almost done.”

“And it will be worth it when they wake up and terrorize the apartment ripping all this paper off.”

“Yeah,” Sam laughed, “that will be the fun part.”

“No pancakes this year, Sam.”

“They loved them last year.”

“I didn’t love chasing them around everywhere while they were covered in syrup and on some sort of sugar high.”

“Oh don’t lie. You loved it,”

“I love THEM, I don’t love the amount of energy you insist on putting in them through anything containing sugar. It’s like the older they get the older I feel.”

“And you’re not even 30 yet.”

“Exactly!”

“Alright, well, are you done with that? Because then we can just go stick them under the tree and go to bed.”

“Bed at 11:00?”

“Hey, you’re not the only one getting old, Benson.”

“Yeah I think I see a gray hair coming in,” he laughed, reaching for Sam’s hair. She smacked his hand away.

“Ha ha, that’s hilarious.”

“ _I_ thought it was pretty funny.”

“Let’s just go before they wake up and decide they want to see if Santa came yet.”

“I’m following you.”


	4. Four Years Old

Sam woke up as soon as Freddie leaned over her. She opened her eyes and saw Freddie just inches from her face.

“Good morning, sunshine.” He smiled.

“Hi.”

“I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“You didn’t.”

“Alright, well I’m going to work.”

“Me too, sorta.” She stretched her arms above her head and sat up.

“Being a mom IS a job, Sam.”

“That’s what they say.”

“Alright,” Freddie kissed her, “try to have a good day.”

“Mmhmm, chasing four year olds around all day and trying to pack at the same time sounds like a ton of fun.”

“You love it.”

“Yeah,” she laughed, “I can’t argue with that.”

“Okay well I have to go before they start blowing up my phone.”

“Bye.”

“I love you, too, Sam.” He laughed, walking out of the room. Sam stood up, stretching one more time and yawning before walking over to the light switch next to the door. They were leaving for Seattle the next morning and she hadn’t gotten anything done. She had had no motivation to do anything. Seattle meant Cassie and when she was honest with herself she realized that New York had helped her not sit and wonder ‘what if’ every day. Going back to the city that held every memory of Cassie would be a challenge and she woke up often in the middle of the night because of the nightmares that had followed the decision to go. They had gone once for three days over Christmas when they twins were two, but had made a point not to go to the cemetery. They wanted to go as a family when the twins were old enough to understand. Not going to Cassie’s grave had made it easier to leave. Now, two years later, it had been decided by Freddie that it was time they did.

She took the suitcase out of the closet and started folding clothes from the closet, placing them carefully inside the suitcase. Freddie had already done his packing, but it was up to Sam to do her own and the twins. He had told her he would pack for the twins, but she insisted that if he did everything would be wrong. He’d probably let the twins pick out their own clothes.

The sun was just peaking over the clouds and Sam stopped for a second to admire it out the window. Sunrise was her favorite part of the day. It always seemed to be the quietest and most peaceful part of her routine. It didn’t feel like two years had passed since she’d been in Seattle. It felt like it had only been a week. She sat on the bed and put her face in her hands.

“I miss you, Cassie.” She whispered to herself. She was scared to go back; she had spent almost her entire life in Seattle and all the things she left behind to come here were still waiting there. She was scared to step back into the city that held some of her best memories and some of her worst. She was scared to drive past all of the places she had made those memories. She was scared to face the people she’d left behind for the second time two years ago. But mostly she was scared that once they got there and went to Cassie’s grave she’d never want to leave. She had been so insistent on moving to New York so Freddie could reach his full potential, but now that they had had their time away she was feeling kind of home sick, especially knowing that she’d, once again, have to say goodbye and leave Cassie behind.

It didn’t make any sense for her to feel that way. She’d been the one that insisted they weren’t really leaving her behind. She had insisted that Freddie get some closure with her and had reassured him that she had already gotten hers. It was too late to decide that moving here was a bad idea, especially since it wasn’t. She loved New York.

She stood up and made her way back to the closet, pulling a medium size box off the shelf. After they had moved to New York they’d talked about what to do with Cassie’s stuff. They didn’t need it and they didn’t really have anywhere to put it. Together they had decided to give it away to a charity that helped struggling single mother’s get the things they needed for their babies. They’d kept a few things, of course, like her first teddy bear, the letters of her name, the notebook Sam had written everything in, the blanket she’d been wrapped in when they said goodbye to her at the hospital. They were things Sam couldn’t part with and Freddie never would have let her get rid of. It hadn’t been easy to get rid of any of it, but it helped them and some other mom who needed it for their child.

She held the blanket up to her face and closed her eyes. Sometimes, if she concentrated hard enough, she could still smell Cassie on it. She remembered everything about her pregnancy with Cassie without having to look through the notebook she’d filled. She remembered how it felt hearing her heartbeat and seeing her on the monitor at the hospital. She remembered just how perfectly Cassie fit in her arms. Those were the things she didn’t push out of her mind. Sometimes they got stomped over by the memory of watching Cassie be lowered into the ground and buried. Those were the days she hated. Those were days she just wanted to scream and run off somewhere the memories wouldn’t haunt her. When she was around her family she had to keep it together, even when it hurt, but when she was by herself she could let go of everything. Sometimes she told Freddie she was going to take a shower and just stood under the water, allowing the tears to spill over. She knew that if he knew how much she missed Cassie he’d quit his job the next day and move them all back to Seattle and she didn’t want that. She always missed Cassie, some days were just worse than others. She folded the blanket up in her lap and sighed. She had to look at the plus side of the trip; the twins would be able to go to Cassie’s grave and talk to her for the first time, Freddie and his mom would have some sort of weird Benson reunion, Marissa would see the twins, she would finally get to hear her first baby girl’s voice again.

She set the box aside and stood up again. She only had an hour, if she was lucky, to get all her packing done and breakfast made before the twins woke up. It didn’t seem too difficult, but she always seemed to miss something. She went back to the closet and started skimming through the clothes hanging there. Packing had always been her least favorite thing to do. She grabbed a few shirts from the closet and tossed them on the bed before making her way over to her dresser. At one point she had cared about what she was going to pack for their week in Seattle. Now she just wanted to get it done. She threw a few pairs of jeans, sweats and shorts onto the bed by the shirts and shut the drawer quietly.

She absentmindedly folded the clothes, stuffing them into the suitcase. Her thoughts were already somewhere else. She had so much to do today and two four year olds with an endless amount of energy. It was like they ran on batteries that never died. She zipped the suitcase up and set it on the floor next to Freddie’s stuff. It seemed he had already packed everything else before she woke up, leaving her with little to do before the twins woke up.

She walked out of the bedroom and into the living room. It was too early to start cooking anything, and she didn’t feel like cooking anymore anyway. She started picking up the toys in the living room, tossing them into the toy chest Freddie had bought. The older the twins got, the more everything multiplied. At some point they’d have to make the twins choose which toys they wanted and which they didn’t. How the toys ended up back on the floor by morning was beyond her; she’d picked them all up before she went to bed last night.

She couldn’t believe the little babies she held at the hospital were already four years old. Time had flown by in front of her eyes; one day they were learning to walk, the next they were practically running out the door of the apartment. It was getting more difficult to keep up with them, especially when Liam, who loved to push his luck, would do something he wasn’t supposed to. They were both little trouble makers, but Liam always found a way to distract Sam while Lily was getting into something. The eyes on the back of the head thing would really come in handy when she was by herself. That and four arms.

Liam came walking down the hall, rubbing his eyes.

“Hey little man, you’re up early.”

“I’m bored.”

“You just woke up, how can you be bored?”

“’Cause.”

“Well, I’m your mom. How you doin’ bored?” Liam cracked a smile and Sam pulled him into a hug.

“Well, since you’re awake, you can help me pick up the toys you and Lily got into in the middle of the night.”

“I didn’t do it! It was Lily!”

“Shh! Your sister’s sleeping! And I’m so sure Lily did it by herself. I know you, Liam.”

“It was Lily’s idea.”

“Mmhmm, come on. It won’t take that long. You still have to get a bath and eat breakfast and brush teeth and get dressed. You really need a haircut, too, little man.”

“No I don’t.”

“Yes you do. That’s another thing we can do today. We’ll go together, me, you and Lily and we’ll all get our hair cut.”

“I don’t wanna.”

“Well, you have two choices. You can either get your hair cut like mommy says or you can listen to grandma fuss over you for the next week because it’s too long.”

Liam smiled, “I wanna listen to grandma.”

“Trust me, kid. You don’t want to listen to grandma. She’ll take a scissors to your hair herself and it won’t look nearly as nice as it would if you just get it done by a professional.”

“Mommy?”

“What?”

“Do you like grandma?”

“Sometimes. Now come down here and help me pick these up. I can’t believe you two. I’m going to start locking things when I go to bed from now on so I don’t wake up to a mess every day.”

“Okay mommy,” Sam looked over at Liam and laughed.

“You are so naughty, Liam Andrew,”

“I know,” he smiled. Sam and Liam threw the last remaining toys into the chest and shut the lid.

“Alright, go wait in the bathroom and DON’T touch the toothpaste OR the shampoo bottles. I don’t need any more messes to clean up today.” Liam ran to the bathroom and Sam stood up. Usually she wouldn’t wake Lily up, but since Liam was awake she was sure it was only a matter of minutes until Lily followed. She walked into the twin’s room and looked at her sleeping daughter.

“Lily bug. Time to wake up,” she pushed the hair out of Lily’s face and smiled.

“No, mommy.”

“Come on, we have a lot to do today before daddy comes home.”

“But I’m tired!” she whined. Sam shook her head.

“Good, then you’ll be all ready for your nap later. Come on, baby girl. The sun is shining, your brother is probably destroying the bathroom—“

Lily never missed a chance to raise hell, especially when it came to what Sam referred to as the twin team tag. One misbehaving four year old was enough, two was just insanity. Lily jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. Sam followed, not as excited, and was surprised that Liam had listened to her. He wasn’t a bad kid, but warning’s usually meant it was sure to happen.

“Alright kiddos, you know the deal. The quicker we get this done the quicker we can do things that aren’t so boring,” she turned the water on while the twins undressed themselves. She had wondered to herself for weeks when she should stop bathing them together, but they loved being able to play together at bath time. She’d considered asking Marissa, but didn’t feel like spending two hours listening to every bit of parenting advice she could spew out. The twins climbed into the water and started splashing water at each other.

“Okay, enough. Hold your hands out,” The twins followed the command and Sam put a small bit of shampoo into each set of hands before her. She gave the twins a stern look, “absolutely no trying to put soap in each other’s eyes. We have a lot to do, so just get it in your hair and behave,” She closed the bottle and grabbed two washcloths from the cupboard, putting a dot of soap on each before sticking them in the bath water and setting them aside. She picked up the cup from the edge of the tub, “head back, eyes closed.” It was a routine now and it was only disrupted when Freddie did it. The twins especially loved giving him a hard time whenever he tried to do anything because usually they got away with it. Sam knew their tricks and wasn’t easily fooled. She dipped the cup into the water and poured it over Lily’s head. Without hesitation Lily began to giggle. It happened every time and Sam had no idea why.

“You are such a silly little girl, Lily Grace Benson,” she smiled. Lily continued to giggle and Sam ran her hand over Lily’s hair, trying to avoid getting the soapy water on her face.

“Mommy?” Lily asked.

“What angel?”

“How old are you?”

Sam handed her a rag and tilted Liam’s head back, “I’m 29. Why?”

“Just ‘cause.”

“You’re a strange one, just like your daddy.” She laughed. She handed the second washcloth to Liam and stood up, walking to the closet in the bathroom.

“We’re going to get our hair cut today, so I want you to guys to hurry up and dry off so we can get you dressed and go. And Lily? Stop listening to your brother. I don’t want to wake up to toys lying around everywhere again. Okay?”

“Sorry mommy,” Lily stepped out of the tub and Sam wrapped her up in a towel.

“It’s fine. Go wait in your room.” Sam turned back to Liam, who was trying to hide a smile.

“I knew it was you. Come on little devil, we have a lot to do today,” Liam stepped out of the tub and Sam wrapped the towel around him before following him out the bathroom door.

X

“Mommy? Why do we have to get our hairs cut?” Sam laughed, sitting Lily in the chair in front of the stylist. The second they had walked through the doors it seemed everyone was staring. Sam wasn’t well known in New York and neither were the twins, but she preferred it that way. She liked just staying home and hanging out with her babies all day, though Freddie had informed her that once they go to school she’d need to get out and make some real friends. The second they went to school she was banned from sitting in the apartment, cleaning or watching movies all day.

“Because we’re going to grandma’s tomorrow for a week remember? And don’t you want to look pretty for grandma?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I’m glad to hear that. Now sit still and behave for…” she looked up at the stylist.

“Dannie.”

“Behave for Dannie. She’s going to make you really pretty for grandma.” Sam stood up and was about to walk away when Lily stopped her.

“Mommy?”

“What sweetheart?”

“Am I pretty now?”

“Of course you are, baby. You’re always pretty. We’re all getting our hair cut today remember? Mommy did it now it’s your turn so that grandma has something to talk about other than—“ she stopped herself, not wanting to cut Marissa down in front of her four year old daughter who had a tendency to repeat, “other than how big you guys are getting,” she smiled, stroking Lily’s hair and kissing her forehead, “I have to go check on your brother. Be a good girl.” She stood up again and walked across the salon to where Liam was squirming around. Anything he could do to give the poor stylist a hard time he was doing and it was starting to irritate Sam. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. She must have apologized for him seventeen times since they got there.

“I’m so sorry,” she sighed before getting down on his level and looking him right in the eye.

“Stop it. Look at me. Does mommy look happy?” Liam laughed and Sam took a deep breath. She didn’t want to yell. She didn’t like yelling at them at all, especially when people were watching her.

“It’s not funny, Liam. Sit still and let her finish cutting your hair. I’m not putting up with this. You’re going to do what I say.”

“No!”

“Yes. Why can’t you just be a good boy?”

“I don’t wanna.” he smiled.

“Liam! They’re busy today! Sit still or I’ll have her shave your head.”

“Where’s daddy?”

“Daddy’s at work. I’m not telling you again. If I have to come back over here you’re going to go in time out.” She stood up and watched Liam. Time out was her secret weapon. She could do it anywhere and the twins knew she would. As long as there was a corner there was the chance of time out. Sam walked back over to Lily, stopping before Lily could see her.

“So you’re going to see your grandma tomorrow?” the stylist was making conversation with the four year old. Sam stifled a laugh, knowing full well that starting a conversation with Lily meant you’d be there for hours. The girl sure could talk.

“Uh huh.”

“Where does she live?”

“Mommy says she lives far away in the bushes.” Sam shook her head with a smile.

“In the bushes huh?”

“Yeah.”

“So what are you going to do at your grandma’s?”

“Mommy says we’re gonna go see Cassie,” Lily was playing with the smock they put on her and picking up the hair that had been cut off, throwing it on the floor.

“Oh yeah? Who’s Cassie?”

“She’s my sister. That’s what daddy told me. He said that she doesn’t really live there, though.”

“So where does Cassie live?”

“Daddy says she lives in Heaven.”

“In Heaven, huh?” the stylist turned and looked at Sam and she nodded. She looked back down at Lily.

“Yeah. Daddy says I can talk to her, though.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. He says he does it all the time.”

“Do you talk to her?”

“Sometimes.”

“So are you excited to see your grandma?”

"Yeah. Last time she showed us pictures of daddy when he was little.”

“Oh yeah? I bet he looks a lot different now, huh?”

“Yeah he got bigger. Grandma says he used to be real little like us.”

“Do you talk to your grandma a lot?”

“Yeah. She calls a lot.”

“Well kiddo, I think you’re all done. Let’s ask your mommy what she thinks huh?” Lily turned around and looked at Sam with a smile.

“Am I still pretty mommy?”

“Gorgeous. As always. Say thank you to Dannie.”

“Thank you.”

“You are welcome, sweetie.” she took the smock off of Lily and Lily jumped out of the chair.

“Let’s go get your brother,” Sam said, taking Lily’s hand, “before he forever scars this poor woman.” She led Lily across the salon where Liam was looking straight into the mirror making faces at himself.

“I’m sorry. I had to cut more off than I expected.”

“I’m surprised you managed to keep it as long as it is. This is definitely the job for you if you can manage this little boy.” Sam messed up Liam’s hair earning a scowl for daring to touch it.

“Leave my hair alone, mommy.”

“Watch yourself little man. Let’s go.” Liam jumped out of the chair and took Sam’s hand. She could feel the eyes on her and it made her slightly uncomfortable. She’d done what she could to control the twins while they were there, but one mom and two kids out in public usually didn’t end well. She paid the girl behind the desk, leaving a generous tip for both stylists, and walked out of the salon with the twins.

X

Freddie walked through the door, surprised at how quiet the apartment was. He closed the door quietly as Sam rounded the corner. She smiled, folding her arms and leaning against the wall.

“Hi.” He hung his coat up and walked to her, pulling her into his arms.

“Hi,” she laughed. Freddie kissed her.

“I missed you.”

“Liar.”

“Where are the twins?”

“Sleeping. It’s baby Benson nap time in this place.”

“Nap time at 2:00 in the afternoon?”

“They refused to sleep while I was packing their stuff. They wanted to help. It only took two hours,” she rolled her eyes, “they’re weird kids.”

“That’s because they’re your kids,” Freddie laughed. Sam shook her head.

“You sure you want to bring the twins to Cassie’s grave?” Sam wasn’t planning on asking him, but it had been bugging her all day. She wasn’t feeling up to explaining where Cassie was and why she wasn’t with them to anybody, especially her twins.

“Yeah. Why? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“Sam?”

“I just don’t think they’re old enough to understand.” She moved away from him and sat on the couch. Freddie followed her and sat next to her before putting his arm around her shoulders and playing with her hair.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah.”

“I think they’ll get the general idea.” He wasn’t going to let her slide that easy. He knew all of her covers. Showers in the middle of the day weren’t something Sam ever did before moving to New York and using the twins as an excuse to avoid going to Cassie’s grave wasn’t going to work. She needed to understand that refusing to acknowledge the pain she was in wasn’t an option for her anymore.

“They’re only four, Freddie. Lily talks about Cassie and Heaven like it’s just a block away. Neither of them understands what death is. They’re too little.”

“Okay babe.”

“What?”

“How long have we been married?”

“I don’t know. Eight or nine years or something,” she laughed.

“So in what universe did you think I would believe you’re really only concerned about the twins being too young to understand?”

“They _are_ too young to understand.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“And what else is going on in your head? Please don’t play dumb, Sam. It doesn’t do anything for you. Just talk to me.”

Sam sighed and started playing with the hem of her shirt, “I don’t know. I’m just afraid we’re going to go and I’m not going to want to leave. And it has nothing to do with not liking New York or anything because it’s great here, but that’s my baby and every time I have to leave her even for five minutes I feel empty. Like everything just got sucked out of me. Just like how I felt the day she died.”

Freddie sighed and moved away from her so he could turn and look her in the eye. He lifted her face so she was looking at him, “I know, baby, but you aren’t really leaving her. I know her grave is where we feel closest to her, but that’s not where she is. She’s wherever we are because she lives in our hearts, and that’s the important thing.”

“Why do I still miss her so much?” Sam’s eyes dropped again and Freddie sighed, pulling her against him again.

“Because she’s Cassie. You carried her, you gave birth to her and you got attached to her. She’ll always be our baby and we’ll always miss her, even if 50 years go by until we see her again. There’s nothing wrong with you, Sam, and there’s nothing wrong with talking about her or missing her. You can’t spend the rest of your life holding it inside of you.”

“But when I’m around the twins—“

“You need to give yourself some ‘me’ time. You’re an amazing mother, but you’re going to lose it if you keep this up. And if you’re worried that I’m going to freak out and quit my job and make us move back to Seattle you need to stop. I’m not going to do that. I know where you’re coming from. I probably understand it better than you do. I have a lot of time to reflect on it. There are days I want to just drop everything and go back to Seattle and sleep on her grave, but I won’t. And you know you can always talk to me, baby. Don’t ever forget that. I will always be here for you. Always. I love you, Sam, and I know it’s going to be hard to come back here when we’ve gotten that close to her again, but it won’t be impossible and we’ll do it together. And if by some chance you completely fall apart I’ll be right there putting you back together. If I had any reason to think it was a bad idea I wouldn’t bother, but I know you miss her just as much as I do and the only thing that’s going to help at all is to go to her. It’s been a long time, Sam. I’m not going to force you to go, but I know that it will give you some peace, even if it’s just a little bit. You just have to trust me. Okay?”

Sam looked up at the wall where Cassie’s picture hung. She could hear Cassie’s heartbeat in her head; feel her baby girl in her arms. She loved these times. The times where Cassie made her presence known.

“Okay.”

X

“Mommy how many people live in America?” They were sitting on the airplane waiting to fly to Seattle and Lily had her mind going a mile a minute.

“A lot.”

“Like how many?”

“200 million.”

“Really?”

“Sure.”

Freddie was sitting behind Sam with Liam in the seat next to him. He laughed.

“Lily why don’t you just sit down and put your seat belt on. We’re going to take off soon.”

“I’m bored, daddy.”

“Well when we take off you can look out the window and count all the cows you see.”

“You can’t count cows from the sky, daddy.”

Freddie laughed. “You are too smart for your own good, Lily Grace. Now please sit down and put your seat belt on.”

“I wanna sit by you, daddy.”

“Just stay by mommy.”

“Lily, please just sit down.” Sam spoke up. She was digging around in her bag, trying to find the crayons and paper. Lily could entertain herself pretty well with crayons and paper.

“But I wanna sit by daddy, mommy.”

“Daddy’s right behind us. Do you want to draw?”

“Can I sit by daddy and draw?” Sam sighed and looked at Freddie. He shrugged.

“Fine. Hurry up. Liam, come up here by mommy.” Liam and Lily switched places and Sam handed a box of crayons and some paper back to Freddie. They hadn’t even taken off yet and the twins were already anxious.

“Mommy?”

“What Liam?”

“I’m hungry.”

“Well what do you want? Do you want some animal crackers?”

Liam smiled, “yeah!”

“Okay,” Sam dug around some more and produced a small bag of animal crackers that she handed to Liam, “don’t make a mess.”

“Thank you, mommy.”

“You’re welcome.”  

“Look daddy, look what I drawed.” Lily held up a picture and Freddie stared at it. He didn’t see anything except lines and scribbles. He smiled.

“That’s awesome!”

“Do you know what it is?”

“Of course I do! It’s a kitty.”

“No daddy,” Lily gave him a serious look, “it’s a tree.” Sam snorted.

“Oh, I’m sorry. That’s a very nice tree, Lily.”

“I wanna tell you a story daddy.” Lily continued to scribble on the piece of paper and Freddie chuckled. The story could easily last the entire flight.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we will be taking off in a few minutes. Please fasten your seatbelts and remain in your seats until the seatbelt light goes off.” Freddie looked over at Lily, who was staring curiously at the light that had just clicked on in front of her.

“In a minute, Lily. When we’re in the air you can tell your story. Put your seat belt on.”

“Are we going in the sky now, daddy?”

“Yup.”

“Are we gonna see Cassie?”

Freddie sighed and messed with her hair. “Probably not, sweetheart. But she’ll see us. Now sit still and put your seatbelt on. We’re going to grandma’s.”

X

“You got her?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. As long as we hurry up and your mom doesn’t wake her up.”

Sam was holding Lily, who had fallen asleep in the car, while Freddie pulled Liam out of the car. Marissa had offered to pick them up, but Sam insisted on renting a car. She wanted to have _some_ freedom while they were there. She needed to have a way to get out and do stuff without having to ask Marissa for permission.

“Alright, well let’s go. I’m sure she’s pacing around waiting for us.” Freddie set Liam on the sidewalk and took his hand, leading the way into Bushwell Plaza. Liam was full of energy and it was wearing Sam and Freddie out. He’d spent the entire car ride asking what things were, why they were there, who built them. He’d been quiet on the airplane, but now all the things the four year old didn’t say where coming out at once. They stepped onto the elevator and Freddie kneeled to look at Liam.

“Okay, listen little man. You need to settle down. We have to be quiet, okay?”

Liam nodded. “Okay.”

The elevator stopped and Freddie led his family down the hall to apartment 8-D. He mentally prepared himself for the string of questions he was sure would come from his mother. Why did you wait two years to come back? Why did you stop sending pictures of the twins? Why didn’t you let me pick you up from the airport? He opened the door and Liam ran in and nearly ran straight into his mother. She was surprised at first, but almost immediately smiled down at him.

“Well hello! Long time no see!” she picked him up and hugged him, “look at how big you’ve gotten!”

“Daddy says I grow a lot.”

“I used to say that about your daddy. Where’s Lily?”

“She’s sleeping,” Liam pointed to Sam and Marissa set him back on the floor. She smiled, walking over to Sam and pushing Lily’s hair back.

“She’s gotten so big,” she whispered. Sam sighed.

“You’re telling me. Got somewhere I can put her?”

“Yeah in the back room next to Freddie’s old room,” she pointed down the hall and Sam walked away. Marissa turned back to Freddie and Freddie braced himself. She sighed and both stood just staring at each other; Freddie with his hands in his pockets and Marissa with her hands on her hips.

“Well? Are you just going to stand there or give your mother a hug?” Freddie laughed, removing his hands from his pockets and wrapping his arms around his mom.

“Hey mom,” he laughed. He backed away from her and she put her hand on his face with a sad smile.

“I’ve missed you. You guys need to start coming more than once every two years.”

“Mom—“

“That’s all I’m going to say. I want this to be a nice visit with you and my grandchildren.”

“And your daughter-in-law.”

“Yeah her too.” She stepped away and picked Liam up again.

“Mom, try to get along with her. She’s already going to be—“

“I’m fine, Fredward. Hi Marissa.” Sam stood next to Freddie and folded her arms.

“Sam,” Marissa nodded. Freddie rolled his eyes, taking Liam from his mom.

“Alright, let’s go little man. It’s nap time.”

“But I’m not tired, daddy.”

“You haven’t slept all day, I know you’re tired.”

“I wanna stay by grandma.”

“Grandma will be here when you wake up,” Freddie walked past his mother, whispering, “be nice,” and headed down the hall Sam had just emerged from, leaving Sam and Marissa by themselves. Sam exhaled.

“So.”

“It’s nice to see you guys again.”

“Yeah. It’s nice to see you too, I guess,” Sam looked down at the floor and kicked her foot back and forth, “hey, thanks for everything…with…Lily. Sometimes I just—“

“You’re welcome,” they were quiet for a few minutes, listening to Liam argue with Freddie, “so are you guys going to see Cassie?”

Sam sighed. “Eventually. We’re going to bring the twins with us.”

“Freddie said that. I assumed you would say—“

“He’s right, though. I can’t keep them from her grave forever.”

“How are you feeling?”

Sam shrugged. “I’m fine.”

“Samantha, it’s okay to be upset.”

“You know, I don’t think that’s any of your business. Freddie and I handle it just fine. Just the two of us.”

“You’re my daughter-in-law, Samantha---“

“Just don’t start, Marissa,” Sam snapped.

“Samantha—“

“What’s going on?” Freddie came around the corner and looked between his mom and his wife. Sam shrugged.

“Nothing.”

“Freddie, don’t you think Samantha should be more open about her feelings?”

“Mom, don’t—“

“I have no reason to be open with you. Cassie wasn’t your baby! Why don’t you let Freddie and me worry about OUR children and how we handle them instead of trying to push your way in all the time?”

“Sam—“

“Cassie was my granddaughter---”

“And she was my daughter. I carried her and gave birth to her and how I deal with her death now or seven years from now isn’t your business so back off.”

“I still love her—“

“Not nearly as much as we do.”

“Sam,” Freddie stepped in front of her and blocked her view of his mother before putting his hands on her shoulders, “Stop. Let’s just have a nice visit with her.”

“Baby—“

“Please? It’s been two years. I think you can put your differences aside for a week.”

“Whatever.”

“Mom?” Freddie turned and looked at his mom.

“I’m just trying to help.”

“Well you’re not helping,” Sam scoffed. Freddie rolled his eyes, turning back to his wife.

“Sam—“

“You don’t let anybody help. You think you’re the only person who feels how you feel.”

“Mom!”

“That’s because I am the only person who feels how I feel!”

“Sam! Stop it!” Freddie felt like he was standing in between two armies who were ready to shoot at each other. He could feel the tension and it was giving him a headache. He turned Sam towards the door, “Mom. Keep an eye on the twins for a minute.”

“What are you doing?”

“Come into the hallway with me.” He took Sam’s hand and led her out the door before turning back to her.

“Sam, I know it’s hard for you to be back here and I know you and my mom don’t have the best relationship, but would it kill you to be nice? At least so the twins don’t have to put up with all the negativity?”

“I was trying to be nice, but she’s always so pushy. ‘oh, come talk to me about your dead daughter, Samantha, I know exactly how you feel.’”

“She does know how you feel. No, Cassie wasn’t her child, but that doesn’t mean she misses her any less than you do,” he kissed her, “I love you, Sam. I don’t know what’s going on with you lately and you don’t have to tell me how you’re feeling but at least be civil for me and for your kids.”

“I told you, I tried. She needs to back off. It’s none of her business.”

“Sam, she really does care about you. She wants the best for you, for me, for the twins. She’s a mom.”

“She’s not my mom.”

“No because your mom sucks.”

“Yeah, well—“

“But that’s not the point. The day we got married you became part of her family. You’re just as much family to her as I am. Me and you? We’re together. We’re a team. She loves you; you just have to give her a chance.”

“I don’t like her. I don’t like how she’s always trying to make me talk to her when I don’t want to.”

“Sam, I know you can get along with her.”

“Freddie, it’s probably not going to happen. She’s incapable of being civil.”

“Then why did you call her last year when Lily had to go to the emergency room? Why did you call her when Lily and Liam were running around and you didn’t know what to do? Why did you send her pictures of the twins when they were making their Christmas cards for her?”

“Because she—I don’t know why. It was all I could do.”

“Make an effort, Sam. I know you’re stressed out and being here, knowing that we’re going to see Cassie for the first time in four years, isn’t helping, but she’s only trying to help make it easier. Tell you what. Why don’t we leave the twins with her tonight and we’ll go out to eat or something, just the two of us?”

“We can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because we can’t.”

“Sam, Lily and Liam will be fine without us for a few hours and you’ll be just fine without them for a few hours. We haven’t had a real date night in years.”

“Because we’re parents.”

“Parents have to take care of themselves, too. They’ll be fine with my mom.”

Sam sighed and rolled her eyes. She folded her arms and stared at Freddie. “You know I don’t like leaving them with crazy people.”

“Sam—“

“Fine.”

Freddie kissed her again, pulling her to him. “Good. Because I love you and I want you all to myself for a little while,” he smirked. Sam laughed.

“Oh yeah?”

“Of course.”

“Well then we better make the most of those few hours.”

X

They hadn’t planned on staying out as late as they had, but time had flown by and before they knew it they were rushing back to Bushwell Plaza, not wanting to leave the twins with Marissa when they started getting really riled up before they went to bed.

They opened the door to Marissa’s apartment and saw her sitting on the couch, looking through a book. She closed it quickly, hiding it behind a pillow on the couch before standing up and walking to them.

“Where are the twins?” Freddie asked. Marissa smiled.

“They’re in bed. You guys didn’t need to rush home. I can handle a couple children.”

“I’m going to go check on them,” Freddie looked between Sam and his mom, “behave.” He walked down the hall towards the room the twins were sleeping in. Sam folded her arms and sighed.

“So how was your night?” Marissa asked. Sam nodded.

“It was good. I didn’t realize how much I missed just having Freddie and me time. We’re always on twin duty.”

“They’re not so bad.”

“Yeah. They’re good kids,” she looked around the apartment, her eyes landing on the couch again, remembering that only a few minutes ago Marissa had been looking through something that was now hidden. She looked back at Marissa, noticing that her eyes were red and puffy and her hands were a bit shaky, “what were you looking at?”

“Oh,” Marissa smiled sadly, “nothing really.”

“It didn’t look like nothing,” Sam walked over to the couch closely followed by Marissa. She moved the pillow away and picked up the book. Cassie’s name was written on the front in big, bold letters. A picture of her was plastered in the center of the cover. Sam turned around and looked at Marissa.

“It’s just a little book I put together of Cassie’s pictures. Just because—“

Sam started to flip through the book in awe. “Marissa, this is amazing. When did you do this?”

“After she was born. You may think you love her more than anybody in the world, and you probably do, but she was still very important to me as well.”

“Yeah, well. That was my baby girl,” Sam sighed and sat on the couch, continuing to flip through the book. She slid her fingers across the pictures of her tiny angel. She couldn’t believe how much time had passed. It felt like just yesterday they were burying her. Marissa sat next to Sam and put her hand cautiously over hers.

“Listen Samantha—“

“This is great, Marissa,” Sam looked her mother-in-law in the eye, “I mean it. This is just amazing.”

“I made one for Lily and one for Liam as well when I found out you were pregnant with them. I wanted to wait until they were old enough to appreciate them.”

Sam looked back at the book. “They’d love them. They’re always asking about Cassie.”

“I guessed that. They asked me a million questions about her when I was putting them to bed.”

“Yeah, Lily asks about her every night. Freddie usually tells them about her. He loves talking about her.” Sam closed the book and set it on the coffee table.

“I always knew he’d be a great father when his time came.”

“He really is. I don’t know what you did to him growing up but I don’t think there’s a man alive who loves his kids as much as Freddie loves Cassie and Lily and Liam.”

“He turned out just how I hoped he would.”

“He’s a good man.”

“I’m glad you think so, even if you thought how he was raised was crazy.”

“It was crazy,” Sam laughed, “but I think I understand it a little more now. It’s like, I’d give my entire life for Lily and Liam and even Cassie if I could bring her back.”

“You know, you don’t always have to pretend your fine, Samantha.”

“I have kids.”

“But you have Freddie and me, too. I know you don’t think I understand and in terms of losing a child I don’t, but as much as Cassie was your daughter she was my granddaughter and I do know what missing her feels like.”

“Look, Marissa. I appreciate the effort but for me it’s different. I mean through all the drama and everything she was the one stable thing I had to hold on to, she was the one thing I knew would never change and then it did. To go from feeling her moving around and kicking to not feeling her at all was horrible,” she picked up the book again, “and having pictures of her is great and everything, but it’s not like what I want and nobody will understand just how I feel about it because nobody else carried her or had to give birth to her after she was gone. I think this book is really fantastic and I think it’s great that you put some together for the twins; they’ll really love them. I don’t really know how to explain it I guess. I have a hard time seeing that other people are feeling the impact of her death as much as I am because Cassie and I were a team. I was responsible for her. I was the only person that provided for her when she was in my stomach and it’s like I failed with her because she’s not here. And the arguing and bickering that always happens when we’re in the same room with each other doesn’t help. It’s like you don’t think I’m capable of doing anything right. The way you talk to me, it’s like you don’t think I’m good enough for anything.”

“Well, I still don’t think you’ve been a very good influence on my son, and the way Liam behaves—“

“That’s what I mean. Look, I really care about Freddie, and no I haven’t been the best person to be around, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s still the best thing to happen to me. And with the twins, I try. Liam is just hardwired that way. It doesn’t matter what I do, he’s got something in his brain that makes him think misbehaving is funny. And Lily is so curious about everything. She asks a million questions a day. She wants to know everything and most of the time I don’t have an answer for her, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. I’m doing the best that I can. I’m not perfect, Marissa, nobody is. Not even you.”

“I never said I was perfect.”

“But you act like it. You act like everything is so simple and obvious and being a parent or a wife is the easiest thing in the world. You act like talking about everything makes it better and most of the time it doesn’t. I have my way of dealing with things whether I’m dealing with Cassie or the twins or my marriage or whatever. I have to do it my way. When I call you to ask you what I should do it feels like all you’re doing is lecturing me and calling me a bad parent or a bad wife. I hate that. I really do. I can handle my life for the most part, but I’m still learning how to do all this. Things get thrown at us all the time that we don’t know how to handle, and your ‘advice’ isn’t as helpful as you think it is. Talking down to me isn’t going to make me like you.”

“I don’t try to talk down to you; I just try to teach you. You’re mother isn’t around for you, and the way you behaved as a teenager makes me think that even when she was around she wasn’t showing anything but hatred towards you. I just want to be sure that my grandchildren are being taken care of and that you’re not neglecting them—“

“Seriously, Marissa? I’m nothing like my mother.”

“I don’t think you are, Samantha, but that’s just the kind of person that I am. I want to be sure that everything is okay and nothing is going wrong. I want to be sure that the twins aren’t running around New York by themselves, that they’re eating right, that they’re behaving and not acting out and I can’t be sure of that because you guys live across the country. I worry about you guys. All of you. As long as you and Freddie are together you are in my family. You may think it’s crazy—“

“It is crazy, Marissa.”

“Well that’s something we’ll just have to agree to disagree on. I’m just looking out for you guys.”

“Well,” Sam sighed, “you can look out for us without always breathing down my neck.”

“It’s a natural instinct.”

“Well natural instinct or not, I know what I’m doing most of the time. I may not get it right all the time, but I’m doing what I can for my family.”

“I’d like to fix this, Samantha.”

“I don’t know, Marissa. There’s so much that’s been said and done—“

“By both of us.”

Sam rolled her eyes. “By both of us. I just don’t see things going from bad to good in one day.”

“Nobody said it would be like that, Samantha. It probably won’t happen overnight. We’ve both been very negative and hurtful to each other, but there are a few things we could agree on. For example, we could agree to let the past be the past and focus on the future.”

“This isn’t a forgive and forget situation, Marissa. Some of the things that happened between us in the past aren’t things that can just disappear into thin air. There are things you’ve said or done that make me not want anything to do with you. Things that make me dread coming here.”

“There were times I didn’t want anything to do you either. But the fact is that we are family. We have been family for quite some time. And there are three people we both love more than anything in the world that deserve something better than a simple civil relationship between the two of us.”

Sam sighed. As much as she hated to admit it, Marissa was right. Freddie, Lily and Liam deserved a lot more than a negative environment and a ‘speak when spoken to’ relationship between Sam and Marissa, but it didn’t stop her from feeling like it would never work. They’d tried to fix their relationship before and it had always gone back to where they were now. There were things that they’d never agree on that would affect everything. There were arguments that popped up for no reason just because they were both stubborn and felt strongly about different things. She had a choice to make and she had to make it fast. She could either choose to not bother or she could do what she knew was right for her family and let go of every grudge she held against Marissa.

“Look,” Sam turned towards Marissa, “The past is the past. I know you’re right. Freddie and the twins deserve more than that. Maybe this will be good, who knows. Maybe we’ll end up being super close or whatever or maybe we won’t. Only time will tell. But for now let’s just agree that we’ll do the best that we can for them.”

“Okay,” Marissa patted Sam’s hand, “well, this was nice.”

“It wasn’t horrible.”

“Well,” Marissa stood up, “I’m going to bed. Goodnight Samantha.”

“Night.”

X

_“Sam. Freddie. There’s no easy way to say this. Cassie’s heart isn’t beating anymore. She may be a stillborn. You’ll have to give birth to her before we can officially say but the chances of her being alive are very slim.”_

_My whole world stopped. The room was spinning and the pain she should have felt from being ‘in labor’ was lodged right into her chest. Two hours ago Cassie had been fine, and now they were telling her that everything she had ever dreaded hearing was coming true. Every horrible nightmare, every fear she had was now in that room and she had to face it head on and alone._

_“No…”_

_“I’m going to get Janet quick. We need to get Cassie out right away.” It was as if the doctor were talking more to himself than to Sam and as soon as he stepped out the door she felt Freddie’s arms around her._

_“Sam---“_

_“Freddie, please tell me this is a dream.” She could hardly breathe and she refused to hold in the tears that fell down her face._

_“I’m so sorry, baby, I’m so sorry.” She shook her head, wishing she could go back in time and never hear those words. How was it possible that Cassie’s heart wasn’t beating anymore?_

_“Come on, Sam. You can do this. Let’s have a baby.” Freddie seemed so confident in her, in himself, in the doctor’s abilities to fix her broken baby girl._

_“No, no, no. Freddie. No. I can’t.” she placed her hands over her face and just cried. Everyone told her labor would be the worst part, but she couldn’t imagine it feeling anything like the hole she felt in her heart. A hole that only Cassie’s cries could fix, the cries she’d never hear._

_“Sam, you have to. Please. Just concentrate. Block out everything and everyone else and just do what you have to do.” His voice was barely above a whisper, but it sounded so much louder to her. The urgency in it, the panic, the false strength he had for her. It made everything sound like he was screaming._

_“Okay, Sam. You gotta push her out. Come on.” Freddie wasn’t the only one in a hurry. Everyone around her seemed to be running around doing something._

_“No!” she wasn’t about to let her baby girl go. As long as Cassie was inside of her, she was safe. Nobody could take her away._

_“Sam!”_

_“No! Freddie, please don’t make me!” in a second she was staring right into his eyes and she could see all the pain she was feeling. It made the pain in her chest grow, knowing that he was right beside her feeling exactly how she was. He was keeping it together while she was falling apart._

_“Please, Sam. You have to do this. For Cassie. I promise I will be here for you, baby. I promise. Don’t be scared.” But fear was all she could feel because as soon as the nurses and doctors had her she’d be gone and Sam would never see her again. The desperate hope she clung on to that Cassie was fine and she was just having a nightmare would come shattering down when she looked at her child, forever asleep in the doctor’s arms._

_“No, no, no, no, no. I can’t, Freddie. I can’t.”_

_“You can. You have to,” at this point she could see the tears start to slip from his eyes, “Please. Do it for her, Sam. Do it for our baby.” He rested his forehead on hers._

_“I can’t,” she continued to cry, hoping he would take a step back and agree._

_“Baby, you CAN do it. I promise. You have to do this. This is the only way you’re going to have any peace, Sam. You’re going to be so proud of yourself if you just do this. You’re going to be so happy that you gave her peace and yourself closure.”_

_“Freddie they’re going to take her away from me.”_

_“They have to, baby, they have to. They have to see if they can help her. The longer you keep fighting this the less chance she has of being helped.”_

_“Sam, I need you to push.” Sam looked straight at Freddie again, trying to gather some strength from him to do exactly what she had to for her baby. But strength wasn’t like a cold, it couldn’t just be passed around through the air._

_“Just don’t think about it, sweetheart. Come on. For Cassie.”_

_The walls around her faded away as she closed her eyes. The only person that could help her through this was Cassie, and the only connection she had with her anymore were the memories she kept locked in her heart. She imagined her heartbeat, saw her on the screen at her last ultrasound, felt her kicking inside of her. Time stood still in her mind, while it raced on around her. When she finally opened her eyes again, she saw the heaven-sent child she’d carried for 38 weeks. Everything was silent except for the bustle of the nurses and she had only a few seconds to take in the sight of her daughter’s face before it was gone forever. In a matter of seconds, the very thing she had devoted the last nine months of her life to was gone._

Sam shot up in bed and looked around. The room was bright, but empty, and she could hear noise outside the door. She wondered how she had slept through it, especially since she woke up as soon as Freddie moved every morning. She took a deep breath, trying to shake the dream from her head. It wasn’t the first time she’d had it, but it never got easier to handle and every time she woke up with the same pain in her chest that she had that day.

She ran her fingers through her hair and exhaled slowly. This wasn’t how she wanted to start her day, and she wished the pain would ease up, but she knew it wouldn’t, not for a while at least. Not as long as the memory of that day lingered in her mind.

Freddie knocked on the door as he opened it and half smiled at her.

“You okay?”

“I’ll live.”

Freddie walked into the room and shut the door. He had expected a lot worse from her today. It wasn’t like it was her favorite thing to think about, but she’d never turn away from Cassie, even if it killed her. He sat next to her on the bed and put his arms around her.

“Talk to me, baby.”

“Just a dream,” she mumbled, trying to calm herself down.

“About what?”

“Cassie.”

Freddie sighed, “I’m sorry, Sam.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“That it still hurts you this bad. I wish I could take it all away.”

“It’s not always like this, Freddie.”

“I know.”

“Sometimes I just really want to hold her and see her smile and hear her laugh. Is that weird? Like, am I crazy for holding on to the hope that one day I’ll wake up and realize it really was just a horrible dream and I’ll walk into the other room and see her sleeping?”

“No, that doesn’t make you crazy. Sometimes I hold on to that hope too.”

“It just doesn’t feel real. I mean, I know it’s been five years and everything, but it still doesn’t feel like she was within reach and we couldn’t have her.”

“I know,” Freddie kissed her cheek, “listen, if you don’t want to go—“

“No. We’re going. What time is it?”

“It’s 9:00.”

“Are the twins awake?”

“Yes.”

“Are they fed?”

Freddie chuckled, “yes, they’ve eaten.”

“Are they dressed?”

“Not yet, but I can go do that right now.”

“Put them in something nice, but not too nice. I don’t want their nice clothes getting stained.”

“Okay, Sam.”

“And then you need to change.”

“Why?”

“Because you look like a nerd.”

“And she’s back.”

“Don’t mock me.”

“I’m not mocking you,” Freddie smirked. Sam shook her head.

“You—“

“I.”

“What?”

“You said ‘you’ so I said—“

“I know what you said,” Sam laughed.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. Now go get the twins ready.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“That’s right. Remember who’s boss,” she smiled. Freddie kissed her and smiled into her mouth.

“Freddie—“ she laughed.

“Shhh. My mom’s got the twins.”

“Go get them ready to go,” she laughed again.

“Fine,” he pouted before cracking a smile, “I love you more than life, Samantha Benson.”

“Diddo.”

X

They were sitting in front of Cassie’s headstone; Lily in Sam’s lap and Liam next to Freddie, and they were just staring at it. They had planned for so long how they were going to get there, how they were going to handle being there, how they were going to go as a family that they forgot the most important detail: what to do when they were actually there.

They’d only been there for a few minutes, but Lily kept looking up at Sam, waiting for her to say or do something. Sam was empty. She was a mix of everything and nothing all at once, and she couldn’t figure out just what to do to make her son and daughter understand what was going on.

Freddie sighed and Sam, Lily and Liam all looked at him.

“Okay, I’m going to tell you guys a story okay? And I want you to really listen because it’s a very important story,” he looked between Liam and Lily, who both nodded and stared back at him, “Once upon a time, in a kingdom much like Seattle, there lived a beautiful, blonde queen and her husband, the king,” Freddie smiled at Sam, who rolled her eyes and tried to hide her laughter, “they had spent a long time writing letters to the baby fairy—“

“The baby fairy?” Lily’s brown eyes were wide, like she’d never heard of something so great.

“Yes, the baby fairy. When a mommy and a daddy really love each other and they get married they write a letter to the baby fairy and, just like Santa, if they’re really good the baby fairy will bring them special seeds to grow a baby.”

“Where do you plant the seeds?”

“Well the daddy plants the seeds in the mommy’s belly.”

“How?”

“We’ll talk about that later, Lily, right now daddy’s telling a story.” Sam kissed the top of Lily’s head, giving Freddie five seconds to start his story back up before Lily went back to babbling.

“Anyway, they wanted to make sure the baby fairy got their letters, so they wrote a lot of them and mailed them off. After a long time waiting, the baby fairy came to their house and gave them some seeds. The queen and king were very happy because they really wanted to grow a baby, so the king planted the seeds in the queen’s belly and waited for them to grow. The queen was so excited when the seeds started growing that she made sure the king was the first to know,” Sam closed her eyes, wishing that the exaggerated story Freddie was telling the twins was less fairy tale and more reality, “and when the king found out, he was so happy he ran into the village to tell everyone that a miracle had happened. The king and queen spent a long time taking care of the little baby that was growing from the seeds, and they would go into the village every day to show off the queen’s belly.”

“Did the queen have a really big belly?” Lily asked.

“No. It wasn’t really big, but the baby in her belly was really big and had to push her belly out to make room. Anyway, there was a man in the village who was very sad because he had no mommy to plant his baby seeds in. He came up to the king and the queen and asked them if he could adopt their baby—“

“What does adopt mean?”

“It means somebody who isn’t the baby’s first mommy or daddy takes care of the baby because the real mommy and daddy let them.”

“Like a babysitter?”

“Sort of, but a little different.”

“Did the man adopt the queen’s baby?”

“Hang on, Lily, daddy’s telling the story,” Sam stopped her again.

“So the king and the queen went back to their castle and thought about it for a long time. They were really excited about the baby, but felt very bad for the man. He seemed so lonely and sad. So they decided that they would give the baby to the lonely man in the village. Not long after, a beautiful baby girl was born. The king and queen were very sad to see her go, but they handed her to the man in the village. The man promised that any time they wanted to talk to the baby girl they could. All they had to do was say her name and talk to her and she would hear them.”

“Like a magic trick?”

“Yeah, like a magic trick.”

“Daddy?”

“What Lily?”

“Did the king and queen ever get to see the baby again?”

“Not yet, sweetie, but they can always talk to her. Just like you can always talk to Cassie.”

“Do they miss her?”

“Yeah, but the queen and king got more seeds and had more babies.”

“The point of the story is that they’re never too far away from their baby and she’s safe, protected and taken care of by a very nice man,” Sam said.

“Mommy?”

“Yes angel?”

“Is Cassie with a nice man?”

“Of course she is,”

“How do you know?”

“Because Heaven is a really nice place. But if you don’t believe me you can ask her.”

“But she can’t talk.”

“Sure she can. Here,” Sam put Lily’s hand on the headstone, “just like that. Liam, you want to do this too?”

“Yeah!”

“Come over here, little man. Mommy and daddy will do it too. We’ll all talk to Cassie and you guys can ask her anything you want to.”

Liam sat closer to Sam and she put his hand on the headstone. Freddie put his hand beside Liam’s and Sam put hers next to Lily.

“Go ahead and ask her Lily.”

“I’m scared.”

“It’s okay, baby, nothing’s going to hurt you.”

“What do I ask her though?”

“How about, ‘is Heaven nice?’”

“Is Heaven nice, Cassie?”

The sun shifted so it was shining directly on the four of them and Sam smiled.

“See? That’s her way of saying yes. Whenever she really likes something, she moves the sun so it shines on you.”

“What if she’s mad?”

“Well, then I guess she moves the clouds to cover the sun.”

“Mommy?”

“What baby?”

“Do you think she likes us?”

“I think she loves you guys.”

“Do you ever get really sad, mommy?” Liam asked. Sam shrugged.

“Sometimes. Mommy and daddy miss Cassie a lot just like the king and queen miss their little baby.”

“Can we miss her even though we don’t know her?”

“Yeah. She was your sister, silly. You may not have met her, but she’ll never stop being your sister.”

“And never forget that you can always talk to her. Cassie’s a really good listener.” Freddie added. Sam smiled.

“She is, and she loves when you guys talk to her and ask about her because even though she’s far away she’s still part of our family.”

“Mommy?”

“What Lily?”

“Does Cassie ever talk?”

“Yes. If you put your hand on her headstone like this and you close your eyes and you ask her something she’ll answer you. But it has to be really quiet so you can hear.”

“Can I try it?”

“Sure you can, go for it.” It was like the world stopped moving, there was no sound for miles as Sam watched Lily close her eyes, concentrating really hard on whatever she wanted to hear. In just seconds, her eyes flashed open again and she smiled.

“I heard her momma!”

“Did you? What did she say?”

“I asked her if she missed you guys too and she said yes!”

“Oh really? That’s really cool, Lily bug! See? I told you she was always there,” Sam hugged Lily and kissed her forehead, “and no matter how old you get she always will be. Whether we’re in New York or Seattle or anywhere else. Now let’s be quiet so your brother and your daddy can talk to her.”

“Don’t you want to talk to her?”

“I talk to her every day, baby girl.”

“Does daddy talk to her every day?”

“Of course he does, but daddy really likes talking to her here so let’s be quiet, okay?”

“Okay,” Lily whispered. Sam watched as Liam focused on what was going on in his head. He smiled, but never opened his eyes or moved his hand. He was smart, even when he was misbehaving, and Sam was glad he’d gotten that part from Freddie. Liam could probably sit there all day and talk to Cassie in his head, but he’d get tired soon and want to go home and take a nap.

“Mommy,” Liam turned his head and looked at her, “Cassie says come here.”

“Alright little man.” Sam took his hand and put her free hand on the headstone. It was strange to hear Cassie talk, especially since it had been so long since she’d heard it.

_I love you, mommy._

Sam bit her lip, wondering if she was imagining it all. It didn’t matter to her, though, because as long as she could be that close to Cassie again she was happy.

“I love you, too, Cassie Julianne Benson, with everything I have left of my heart,” she thought, moving her hand down the headstone to trace the letters of Cassie’s name. It wasn’t until Liam coughed that she remembered she wasn’t alone with Cassie. She had her entire family beside her.

“You guys ready to go?” she asked. Lily and Liam nodded, both rubbing their eyes, and Sam turned back to the headstone one more time, pressing her lips to the cold stone. She put her forehead on the headstone for a second, closing her eyes again before standing up and taking Lily’s hand.

“Let’s go home.”

X

“I wish you guys could stay longer,” Marissa said for the tenth time, “it feels like you guys just got here and now you’re leaving again.”

“I promise we’ll come again next year, mom, okay?” Freddie sighed.

“Well alright, but call me when you get back to the apartment, and make sure you sanitize the tables on the plane before they touch them and—“

“Marissa! Remember you were going to relax on the parenting tips?”

“I know, I know. It’s just out of habit. I don’t want them getting sick and—“

“Just relax. We’ve gotten this far without any really serious problems. We’ll be fine.” Sam smiled. Marissa smiled back, placing her hand on Sam’s cheek like she always did to Freddie.

“I know. Take care of yourself, Sam, and remember my phone is always on.”

“Yeah,” Sam moved her hand away, “maybe we’re not to that point yet. The whole touching thing. But I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Alright, well, you guys better get going,” she turned to Freddie and hugged him, “I miss you already and you aren’t even gone yet.”

“We’ll be okay mom, and I’ll call you when we’re back in New York.”

“Don’t forget, Fredward.”

“I won’t,” Freddie backed away and looked down at Lily and Liam, “say goodbye to grandma, guys.”

“Bye grandma,” they laughed.

“I know you’re not going to leave again without giving grandma a hug, you guys,” Marissa smiled. The twins continued to laugh and Marissa bent down to hug the four year olds.

“Behave for your mom and dad. I love you both.”

“Love you too grandma,” they said together.

“Okay,” Marissa stood up again, “be safe.”

“I love you, mom.”

“I love you, too, Freddie.”

Freddie picked Liam up and Sam picked Lily up, shooting one last look back to Marissa before they walked away towards their airplane.


	5. Five Years Old Part 1

Sam was sitting on the couch, staring at the clock on the wall. Besides the noise outside the window that never seemed to stop, all she could hear was the clock ticking. It had only been a month since the twins started school, but she was sick of just sitting around the house all day. She was sick of getting them both up in the morning, getting them dressed, making sure they brushed their teeth, packing their lunch boxes because she didn’t trust the school food, especially for Lily, and sitting around all day cleaning or staring at the clock, like she was doing now. She used to love having them home; she’d be able to play with them all day, put them down for a nap and have just enough ‘me’ time to keep herself sane. Now that they went to school all she had was ‘me’ time and when they got home it was 5 ½ hours of constant twin time; homework, dinner, baths, bedtime. She felt like a single mom.

Freddie had thrown out suggestions to get her out of the house, but she didn’t feel like going out somewhere to make friends. She didn’t belong in any sort of clubs, and most of the people she’d encountered in the last five years had been rude and stuck up anyway.

She continued staring at the clock. Freddie would be home in five minutes, the twins would be done with school in two hours and then the adventure would begin. She’d been sitting at home all day with enough time to just think. She needed something to do during the day. Something productive that would keep her busy while the twins were at school. She needed a job.

She heard the door open and looked towards the entry way. Freddie came in slowly, hanging his coat up and tossing his keys on the table. He watched her, waiting for something to happen.

“Hey babe. Why are you just sitting here?” he asked, sitting next to her. She shrugged.

“What else am I going to do?”

“Why don’t you go out to that new coffee place during the day? You could probably meet some people over there.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Well, if you’re bored when the twins are at school you don’t have that many options, Sam.”

“I have plenty of options.”

“Like what?” he noticed her gaze drop down to her hands sitting in her lap and knew that whatever words came out of her mouth next would not make him happy.

“I want to get a job.”

“Sam,” Freddie groaned. Sam rolled her eyes.

“What?”

“I thought we talked about this. You were going to stay home and take care of the twins and—“

“Take a look around, Freddie. The twins aren’t here. They’re at school. The only person here from 7:00 in the morning until 1:00 in the afternoon is me. There’s nobody to take care of.”

“Stop it.”

“Look, I just want to get a part time job so I’m not sitting at home by myself all day.”

“You don’t need to get a job,” Freddie said as he stood up. He walked across the room and into the kitchen.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t, Fredward.” Sam had her arms folded across her chest and her mouth was set straight. Her eyebrows were furrowed, as if she were concentrating really hard on the wall in front of her. Freddie sighed.

“You don’t need a job, Sam. We’re doing just fine without you working.”

“Freddie, I know I don’t NEED to work. I WANT to work.”

“No you don’t. You’ve never wanted to work. If you want something to do during the day I’ll find something outside the house for you to do but you don’t need a job.”

“What is your problem?” she stood up from the couch and stared him in the eye. She didn’t know what it was, but her anger had been boiling up every day for the last week.

“What are you talking about? You’re just throwing this all on me like it’s no big deal, Sam!”

“It isn’t a big deal! Me getting a job is a small deal! God, why can’t you get that I’m so bored around here?”

“I _told_ you to go out and do something but you told me no! You always say you don’t _want_ to go out and do something so why would you suddenly want a job?”

“Because I want to contribute something around here! I want to feel like I’m doing something other than sitting here like a bum all day while you work and Lily and Liam go to school!”

“Sam! You do contribute around here! You’re the one who gets the twins up, gets them ready for school, makes their lunch, helps them with homework—“

“Because that’s my _dream_ Freddie,” she scoffed, “It’s my dream to be a stay at home mom! It’s my dream to be on kid duty all the time! Oh you’re _so_ right, Freddie. Yeah. That’s exactly where I wanted to be at 30!”

“What the hell, Sam?”

“You know, you get up in the morning and you go to work and you get out of this apartment. You get away from me, you get away from the twins, you get away from _here_! I get up in the morning, I take a shower, I barely get myself ready and then I have to go and wake up two five year olds who don’t want to get up, make two five years old brush their teeth, make two five year olds get dressed, make two lunches, get two kids to put their shoes on, make sure two kids have everything they need for school and then I walk two kids to school five days a week _by myself_! And then when they’re done with school I help two kids do their homework, listen to two kids read a book that shouldn’t even _be_ a book, make sure they both eat their dinner, brush their teeth, give them two different baths now that they’re too old to bathe together and then make sure they’re all tucked in and ready to sleep by 8:30 at night!”

“Sam—“

“And it’s twice as hard because there’s so much I have to look out for with Lily. I have to make sure she gets all her enzymes and her breathing treatment and eats right and enough and I constantly have to check her weight and watch everything she’s doing! I might as well be a single mother!”

Sam saw the anger flash in Freddie’s eyes and knew a blow-out was about to happen, but couldn’t make herself apologize.

“Really Sam?” he spoke low, using every ounce of power he had not to yell, “a single mother? So, you’re not married? Cassie, Lily and Liam don’t have a dad? Or I’m just not good enough of a father for them?”

“You know that’s not what I’m saying, Freddie.”

“You’re not getting a job, Sam.”

“Why not?”

“It’s my job to provide for you and the kids and it’s your job to take care of them.”

“Excuse me? It’s my _job_ to take care of them? It’s not the 1950’s, Freddie.”

“Yes, it’s your _job_ to take care of them. It’s what we agreed to. I was going to work and you were going to stay home. It’s been working just fine for the last ten years, so it doesn’t need to change now.”

“If I want a job—“

“If you want a job, Sam, you’re going to do it without me or my support.” He walked passed her again and went into their bedroom. Sam followed him and watched him dig around the closet.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You have no idea what it’s like to be a single mother, Sam, but if you turn around and get a job even though I told you not to you’re going to find out.”

“Why do you always threaten to leave when you don’t get your way?”

“Because you always think you can do whatever you want without a second thought. What about me and Lily and Liam?”

“What about you guys? It’s not like I’d be blowing off being a wife or a mom for a job, Fredward. I just want something to do while the three of you are gone.”

“Then go out somewhere. You aren’t getting a job. That’s the deal we had. I work, you stay at home. If you don’t like it then find someone else to be married to.”

Sam bit her lip and looked down at the carpet. It had been years since he’d said something like that to her, and she knew he only said it when she said something that hit his heart, something that made him feel like he’d been punched in the stomach. When she hit his ego, he became irrational and stopped thinking about what he was saying.

“Freddie,” he reached her hand out and touched his arm, “will you just listen to me?”

“No.”

“Come on! You’re being irrational!”

“Sorry you feel that way but it doesn’t change anything,” he mumbled, only half paying attention to her.

“This is the stupidest thing to argue about, Freddie.”

“Yeah it is, so stop arguing.”

“God, what is up with you? You never acted this way before!”

“You never wanted a job before,” he said simply.

“Whatever Freddie,” she sighed, “I can’t believe you’re being so old school.”

“I’m not being old school, Sam, I’m trying to keep balance in our lives. Sure, maybe you’d like having a job for a week or two, but you’d get sick of it, so we adjusted everything for nothing.”

“First of all, things change and so do people. Everything doesn’t always have to stay the same. And second, if you’re gone and the twins are gone what is going to be thrown out of balance? I’d only be gone when nobody else is here. I’d be home in time to pick up the twins, I’d be home to get them ready and get them to school. It’s not like I’d be gone all day and night, Freddie.”

“No, Sam. I said it once and I’ll continue to say it as long as you keep talking about it. You don’t need a job and you aren’t getting a job. That’s the bottom line whether you like it or not.”

“I’m not a child, Freddie, I’m 30 years old.”

“No.”

“Fredward---“

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I’m going to say,” Sam snapped. Freddie chuckled.

“Yes I do and the answer is still no, now come on. We have two hours until we have to go get the twins from school. Can we just enjoy it without arguing?”

“It wasn’t a question, Freddie. It never was.”

“Sam,” he warned.

“Fine. Whatever.”

Freddie pulled her closer to him and kissed her forehead, “I know you think I’m being unfair, Sam, but I still love you. You’ll understand someday why I don’t want you to get a job.”

“Just drop it.”

“Okay,” he sighed, “hey, let’s go get some coffee or something.”

X

“Okay, come on. You had your snacks now go get your backpacks,” Sam took the twin’s plates away and watched them run off to the entry way. Her life had become routine and although it was nice most of the time, sometimes she wondered where she was going. Was she destined to be a stay-at-home mom forever? What would happen when the twins grew up and were out of school and out of the house? What would she do then?

“Mom, why do we have to do homework right now?” Lily asked. Sam messed up her hair.

“Because if we don’t do it right now it won’t get done. Remember?”

“I don’t like doing this stuff,” Liam whined. Sam sighed.

“Me either, kid, but you have to. Now sit down. The sooner we start the sooner we finish,” she sat down across the table from Lily and Liam and watched them pull their folders out of their backpacks. When she first bought the backpacks she couldn’t imagine them using them. They seemed so big for her babies. Now she was used to seeing them every day.

“So what do you guys have to do tonight?” she asked them.

“Well Miss Butler said we have to do this thing,” Lily held a piece of paper up and Sam grabbed it from her, “and then we have to do this thing,” Lily held up another paper for Sam, “and then we have to read this book and then you have to sign our reading slips.”

Sam sighed, “alright, well put your names on the top of your papers,” Sam had lucked out when the twins were put in the same class. It made homework and meetings easier than trying to figure out two teachers. Lily wrote slowly, her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth and her eyebrows furrowed together. Liam stared at his paper, pencil still sitting on the table, and played with the corner of the page.

“Liam, write your name on the top of the paper.”

“I don’t wanna do this, mommy.”

“Come on, don’t make a big deal out of doing homework. We don’t have time for this tonight.”

Freddie stood in the doorway and watched Sam with the twins. She was an amazing mother, even when she was frustrated with the situation. He had yet to hear her raise her voice to Lily or Liam and he loved that.

“I don’t wanna do it!”

“Liam, stop it. You can’t finish it if you don’t start now come on. Just write your name down.”

“No!”

“Liam, put your name on the paper,” Freddie spoke up. Liam turned and looked at him.

“But I don’t like homework.”

“You still have to do it. Now stop arguing with your mother and do as you’re told.”

“Freddie—“

He watched Liam turn back around and slowly write his name on the paper. Sam sighed again, putting her face in her hands.

“Mommy?”

“What Lily?”

“Are you sad, mommy?”

“No, honey. I’m fine. What do you have to do next? What does the paper say?”

“We have to write these words,” Lily said, handing a piece of paper to Sam.

“So I read them to you and you write them?”

“Yes, mommy.”

“Okay, so are you both ready to go?”

“Yes,” the answered together, giggling.

“Alright, first word is cat.”

Sam watched Lily and Liam write slowly and scanned the list. She didn’t remember doing this in kindergarten and it made her laugh on the inside. It seemed so simple, but she knew for her five year olds it could be difficult. They were just learning to read and write, so basic words were like a foreign language to them.

“Tell me when you’re ready for the next word,” she said. Lily nodded, setting her pencil on the table and looking at Liam. He looked at Sam and smiled, “you ready little man?”

“Uh huh,” he nodded. Sam looked back at the list.

“Dog.”

The routine continued through the other four words: pig, hen, cow, owl. She’d read the word, the twins would write and she’d wait. After spending half an hour on the six simple words, she took the papers from them, scanned the words that she could barely read, and handed them back for the twins to put away in their folders.

“So now you have to match the picture with the word on this paper?” she asked, looking down at a list of words on one side and pictures on the other. She couldn’t figure out why she was so irritated about homework tonight. She looked around the room, her eyes landing on Freddie. Oh right. That’s why.

“Yeah,” Lily said, “it’s stupid though.”

“Don’t use that word,” Sam warned, “it’s not nice.”

“Sorry mommy.”

“It’s okay, just don’t use it again. Go on and write your name on top of the paper.”

“Mommy, I can do it,” Lily giggled. Sam smiled and shook her head.

“Okay, sorry.” Another thing Sam had lucked out on was the fact that Lily and Liam both got Freddie’s intelligence. They learned quickly and whatever they learned stuck with them. The downfall was that Liam had Sam’s attitude which caused problems when it came down to him deciding what he wanted to do and when he wanted to do it. As his mother, Sam knew that she was the one who made the decision, but she hated to see them upset and she would never talk down to either of the twins to get what she wanted. She wasn’t a dictator. She was a mom.

“Mommy? What does this say?” Lily was pointing to something on the paper and Sam smiled.

“Sound it out. Remember what Mrs. Butler always says?” She watched as Lily mouthed the word to herself and laughed when she heard her yell, “Oh!” and draw a line across the paper.

Sam looked over at Liam, who was drawing on his paper.

“Liam, come on. Why do you have to make this so difficult?”

“I hate this stuff,” he pouted. Sam sighed.

“You still have to do it. Come on, it’s really not that bad. Do you want me to help you?”

“No,” he snapped.

“Are you sure? I’ll help you if you need help, honey.”

“I don’t need help!”

“Stop it. You don’t need to yell, okay? It’s just homework.”

“Shut up,” he mumbled.

“Watch how you talk, Liam, you know better than that.”

“I don’t like you anymore, mommy,” he said, throwing his pencil down on the table and all but slamming his head down with it. Sam sighed.

“Well that makes me very sad that you don’t like me anymore, Liam Andrew, but you still need to do your homework. Look, your sister’s almost done and you haven’t even started.”

“I can’t do it,” he mumbled. Sam sighed again and stood up, walking to the other side of the table.

“Come on, baby, you can do it. You’re a really smart little boy. Please? Mommy will help you if you get stuck,” she whispered, pushing his hair back, “come on, let me see the paper.” She brushed his hair back one more time and he sat up. Sam looked down at the paper and pointed to the first word.

“Okay, what does that say?” she asked. She looked at Liam, who was staring down at the paper.

“I don’t know,” he mumbled. Sam smiled.

“Yes you do, sweetheart, we read it yesterday remember? Come on, I know you know this.”

Liam stared at the paper a little longer before picking his pencil up again and drawing a line from the word to the picture. Sam smiled and kissed the top of his head.

“See? I told you, baby. Now what’s the next word?”

“Kite?” he looked at her and she smiled again.

“There you go. Now where’s the kite?” she watched him draw a line and yawned, “now go on and finish this up. I’m going to listen to your sister read, okay?” he nodded and she stood up and sat across from them again, “Where’s your book, Lily?”

“Right here, mommy.”

“Alright, and where’s your slip?”

“It’s in my book.”

“Well hand it over, miss Lily Grace,” Lily opened the book and handed Sam the slip. She looked at it and back at Lily, “go ahead, baby girl.”

““See me,” said Dee,” she spoke slowly, stopping every few seconds to concentrate on the page, her tongue sticking out. It was a habit for her, if her tongue wasn’t out of her mouth she wasn’t focusing hard enough, “”I am Dee,” said Dee,” Sam bit her lip to keep from laughing at the face Lily was making as she turned the page, “”Dee, I am,” said Dee. “I am mad,” said Dee,” Lily turned another page, “”Mad I am,” said Dee. “See me,” Lily put her finger on the page and slid it across the words as she spoke, “”I am mad,” said Dee.” She looked up at Sam and smiled.

“That’s it?” Sam asked. Lily nodded.

“Yeah,” Lily giggled.

“What’s it called?”

Lily stared at the cover again, her eyebrows pushed together, “Dee,” she finally answered. Sam wrote it on the paper and then signed her name. She handed the slip back to Lily and smiled.

“My smart little lady,” she said, “go put your backpack away.”

Lily jumped up and ran off to the other room with her backpack in one hand and folder in the other. Sam looked over at Liam, who was pouting down at the paper.

“You done little man?” she asked. He nodded, “You ready to read?” Liam shook his head, “What’s wrong, honey?”

“Lily’s more smarter than me!” he cried. Sam shook her head and looked at Freddie. He always stood in the doorway when the twins were doing homework, waiting for Sam to ask him to help. She never did. She always wanted to help them herself. This, though, wasn’t a homework situation. He stepped into the dining room and sat next to Liam, pulling him into his lap and stroking his hair.

“Liam, she isn’t smarter than you, sweetheart,” Sam said softly.

“Yes she is,” he sniffled, “she’s always done first and when miss Butler asks her a question she always knows the answer.”

“That doesn’t mean she’s smarter than you, baby. She just likes to do things faster,” Sam reached out and touched his hand.

“You’re a very smart little boy, Liam,” Freddie chimed in. Liam rubbed his hand against his nose and Sam cringed.

“Liam, no. That’s gross.” She grabbed a box of tissues from the counter, “use a tissue.”

Liam took one from the box and wiped his hand with it before using it to wipe his nose and handing it to Freddie.

“Do you want to read your book to daddy tonight?” Sam asked him. Liam nodded and pulled it out of his backpack.

“”I am Dee,” Said Dee,” Liam started. Sam tuned him out, thinking about Lily and Liam together. She’d never compare her kids, but she couldn’t help but wonder if she had somehow done it without noticing. They were both smart; Lily was better at writing and Liam was better at reading, but she never thought they weren’t equal in intelligence.

“Sam?” she looked over at Freddie, who was now sitting by himself.

“That was fast,” she mumbled. Freddie chuckled.

“He’s a quick reader.”

“Yeah. Smart kid,” she said, standing up.

“Hey, can you sit down for a second? I want to talk to you.”

“Okay?” she sat down again and looked at him, a puzzled look planted on her face. They never sat at the table to talk, “what’s up baby?”

“I’ve been thinking,” he started. Sam bit her tongue to stop herself from telling him to hurry up, “and I want to apologize. You’re right, all you get to do is take care of the twins and now that they’re in school there’s not much to do around here. And although I’d rather you go out and meet some people and not get a job it’s your decision to make. I shouldn’t have said what I said to you. You’re my wife, not my child, and it’s not my place to tell you what you can and can’t do.”

“Really?” she sat straighter in the chair and folded her hands on the table.

“Yes, but I want you to hear me out, Sam. I really like taking care of you and Lily and Liam. I like working and bringing in money so I can all the bills and spoil the hell out of the three of you. It’s my thing. And I know it’s not the 50’s and I probably sound like a dick or whatever you want to say but I prefer you don’t work so I can provide for you guys. I can’t have kids, Sam, and I can’t be here with my job and get the twins up for school or anything. Working is what I _can_ do for you guys. To me, it’s like if you go out and get a job you think we’re struggling and that you need to help pay for things and I promise you we’re doing just fine. To me it feels like I’m not taking care of you, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.”

“You know that’s not why I wanted to get a job,” Sam mumbled. Freddie sighed.

“Sam, baby, you said you wanted to do something to contribute, but you already do. That’s what you don’t understand. We’re doing just fine financially, baby. There’s really nothing you need to contribute. Besides, it’s not like you’re just sitting around mooching off some stranger or something. We’re married and as far as I’m concerned it’s my job to take care of you and the kids. What you do, being a mom, it’s your thing. And you’re great at it. That’s your contribution.”

“But I’m sick of sitting here all day with nothing to do. I just want something to do.”

“Sam,” Freddie sighed again, “I want you to be happy and if getting a job is going to make you happy then I want you to do it. Okay?”

Sam stood up and walked around the table. She sat in the chair next to him and took his hand.

“Well, since you’re in a giving mood I have something else to bring up,” she smiled. Freddie shook his head.

“No, Sam. I’m definitely not having _that_ conversation again.”

“Freddie—“

“No, Sam.”

“Whatever,” she mumbled, dropping his hand, “I’m going to check on Liam and Lily.”

“Sam, don’t be angry.”

“I’m not angry.”

“You are and I can tell so please stop, baby,” he was practically begging. Sam wrapped her hand around his neck and kissed him roughly.

“I’m not angry,” she said as she stood up and walked away.

And only she knew it was a lie.

X

She felt free.

It was as if when she had been stuck at home with nothing to do she was tied down with chains and had no way of escaping. Now that she was working it was like the chains were gone and she could come and go as she pleased.

She considered it to be a combination of luck and Cassie that she’d found a job within a week. She got to sit for four hours a day, Monday through Friday from 8:00 to noon, and just answer phones. She still got the twins up, got them to school and got home before Freddie to clean up the apartment and hang out with him. She felt like the entire world was in her hands.

At least she did until 3:00 that morning when she woke up, ran to the bathroom and threw up for ten minutes. Freddie had followed her, trying to convince her to call into work, but she knew she wasn’t sick. She’d expected this, hoped for it really, but now the guilt was settled on her shoulder, whispering into her ear, and she couldn’t shake it.

She was sitting in the middle of a line of people, some talking to a customer on the phone, some just playing on the computers. One girl was trying to secretly text under the desk. Sam was picking at her fingernails; a habit she had whenever she got nervous.

She had an hour between the time she got done and the time Freddie got home. It would take her thirteen minutes to walk to the store, ten to get what she needed and check out and twenty minutes to walk back to the apartment. That left her with roughly fifteen minutes to dispose of the evidence. She’d be cutting it close, but she could manage it.

She looked at the clock. She had ten minutes until she was done. They probably already transferred her calls to another phone. They wanted people out on time, which meant the last ten minutes of your shift you just sat there, staring into space or messing around on your computer.

The time ticked by slowly; one minute, two, until finally the minute hand hit the 12. Sam logged herself off the computer quickly and all but ran out of the building. She almost knocked five people over between the doors of the faded old brown building she worked in and the clean, white front of the store. She nearly filled an entire basket with the plain white sticks that would tell her whether she’d ever be forgiven again and she rushed the poor cashier, who kept looking at her like she was losing her mind. She quickly grabbed the bags and ran back to the apartment. 12:40. She had twenty short minutes.

She didn’t know how she was going to manage it, but she ripped open the first two boxes of tests and didn’t stop ripping open the tests until she had nothing left in her.

She paced around the bathroom, nervously picking at her nails and shooting looks over to the seven tests sitting on the sink. Seven was her unlucky number. She’d taken seven tests with Cassie, seven tests with the twins, seven tests now. She pulled her phone out of her pocket for the tenth time. She was down to 13 minutes until Freddie walked through the door.

She picked up the first test and looked at it carefully, her heart beating so fast she thought it might run off. This was what she’d wanted for the last four years, right? She threw the first test into a plastic bag before picking up the next, staring at it, and discarding it the same way. She continued this process, the knots in her stomach getting tighter with every positive result. She threw the rest of the tests in the bag and threw the bag in the garbage. She had four minutes to figure out how to tell Freddie. She knew she was probably screwed either way, but maybe if she—

“Hey babe, what are you doing?”

Sam turned around at the sound of Freddie’s voice. The panic she felt was clear on her face and Freddie picked up on it quickly.

“Sam? Are you okay?

“I’m…fine,” she whispered. Freddie wasn’t buying it, though, and he took a step closer to her. She took a step back.

“What’s going on?” he asked carefully, worry and frustration flooding his features.

“You--” she started, taking another step back, “baby, I love you.”

“And?”

“Can you please just say it?” she swallowed hard, taking one more step back.

“I love you, Sam, now tell me what’s going on,” his jaw was hard as the possibilities ran through his mind. He couldn’t have a repeat of six years ago.

“And you’ll love me no matter what?”

“Of course,” he answered.

“And—“

“Sam! Just tell me what the hell is going on!”

“Stop yelling!”

“Well what should I do, Sam? You’re hiding something from me and I want to know what it is!”

“Please, baby, just stop yelling at me,” she whispered. Freddie sighed.

“What’s going on Sam?”

Sam took another step back until she could feel the counter against her back. She curled her fingers around the edge and breathed deep.

“Sam?”

“Promise me you aren’t going to run out the door,” she said.

“No. What the hell is this about?”

“Please baby,” she begged. Freddie took a few steps towards her and she flinched away. She’d never said baby this much during a conversation before, and she’d never acted as if she’d killed someone and was about to be murdered in return.

“I’m not going to stand here all day while you ignore my question and act like I’m going to beat you, Sam—“

“You might.”

“What? You know I would never hit you,” he was standing right in front of her now, resting his weight on his hands on the counter and staring her in the eye. His face was inches from hers, “you’re really freaking me out, baby. Please just tell me what’s going on.”

“I don’t want you to leave,” she mumbled, her breath shaky.

“I’m not going to leave, baby, just please tell me,” he whispered, bringing his hand up to her face.

“Promise me.”

“I promise, Sam.”

“Okay,” she sighed, averting her eyes away from his, “I’m pregnant.”

Freddie laughed, “that’s not possible, Sam. You’re on birth control.”

“Yeah,” she bit her lip, her fingers digging into the edge of the counter, “about that.” Freddie’s smile dropped and he took a step backwards.

“What about it, Sam?”

“Well,” she wished the counter were gone so she could back away even more, “remember when I said I went to the doctor to get a prescription because I didn’t like the shots?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I didn’t get a prescription,” she mumbled. Freddie ground his teeth, something Sam knew he only did when he was really mad.

“What?” his teeth never parted and Sam kept her eyes on the floor.

“I really wanted a baby and you kept saying no so I just stopped using birth control,” she rambled. Freddie took another step away from her.

“Baby—“

“Don’t even start with that shit, Sam,” he growled. Sam closed her eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“You lied to me.”

“Freddie, please—“

“Damn it, Sam! Do you _ever_ think of anything but what you want?”

“Freddie—“

“I _told_ you I didn’t want any more kids, Sam! Fuck! We lost Cassie, Lily’s sick, Liam is like five kids wrapped in one. Why the hell would you lie to me? What is wrong with you?”

“I’m sorry!”

“You’re _not_ sorry, Sam! You never are!”

“I am, baby, please,” she whispered, “I am. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“I can’t even—“ he turned around and walked towards the door.

“You promised you weren’t going to leave!” Sam cried. Freddie turned back around.

“You want to bring up promises, Sam? You _promised_ me you weren’t going to lie to me anymore. You _promised_ me you were perfectly happy just having Cassie, Lily and Liam. You _promised_ me you were on birth control, Sam, so I don’t want to hear about how I _promised_ you I wasn’t going to leave,” she could see the tears in his eyes, “and I like to stick by the promises I make you, Sam, but I can’t do it this time. You’re so inconsiderate and I don’t understand that. I give you _everything_. Where were you an hour ago? Work? Yeah, you were at your job, Sam. Despite the fact that I hated the idea. Because I wanted you to be happy. I make sacrifices and I negotiate and I think about you and how it makes you feel, Sam. But you don’t do that. We’ve been married ten years and you still don’t do it.”

“Look, you can be mad at me and never talk to me again and whatever but please don’t leave,” Sam begged.

“Nothing good will come if I stay here, Sam! I’ve been mad at you before but I’ve _never_ been this mad at you! I don’t even know what to say to you! I don’t understand, Sam! How could you be so selfish? Why does everything always have to be _your_ way? It’s not just you, Sam! This affects all of us! It affects me, it affects Lily, it affects Liam. What would possibly make you want to do something so stupid?”

“Babe—“

“Stop it.”

“Fine! Leave!” Sam snapped. When things got tough she shut down, and Freddie knew it. When she didn’t know what else to say, when she was hurting so bad she couldn’t stand to think about it, she shut down and threw up her front. It didn’t matter if she was 17, 30 or 80. She’d always do it. She folded her arms across her chest and started at the floor, “but remember that I will still be here and your kids will still be here and this baby will still be here if you come back.”

“If?”

“Yeah, if! You’ve made it painfully obvious I’m not the wife you wanted!”

“Why does it always have to be about you? You always turn around and act like you’re a victim and you’re not! Grow up, Sam!”

“It is about me! It’s about me, it’s about you, it’s about Cassie and Lily and Liam and this fucking baby that’s not going to disappear just because you’re mad!”

“We wouldn’t even be having a fucking baby if you hadn’t lied to me!”

“Well guess what, Fredward, the baby’s here and it’s not going away so you might as well get used to it!”

“You know what?” he shook his head and looked at the floor, “you’re right. I hope you’re satisfied. Just know that this week I’m going to the doctor and I’m getting a vasectomy since I obviously can’t trust you. So I hope you enjoy this pregnancy because I promise you this is the last baby you’ll have by me.”

Freddie turned again and went straight into their bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

X

The twins were sleeping and Sam was standing outside her bedroom door. Freddie hadn’t come out since the fight and she didn’t want to risk fighting with him again. She had one hand on the doorknob, the other straight by her side.

She carefully opened the door and looked at him. He was lying on the bed, arms folded and his attention on the wall in front of him.

“Freddie?”

Silence.

Sam stepped into the room and shut the door. She sighed and watched him for a minute, hoping he would say something.

“Still mad?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Come on, baby. I really am sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, I do know, I really wanted another baby, but I wasn’t thinking about how stupid and selfish and wrong it was to lie to you and trick you into having another baby. And I know I can’t take it back, Freddie, and sorry probably doesn’t even begin to cover it but I can’t stand when you don’t talk to me. And if you think for a second I don’t feel horrible about this whole thing you’re wrong.”

“Oh well,” Freddie sighed.

“Oh well?”

“Oh well. The baby’s here. Nothing we can do about it now.”

“Freddie—“

“Don’t. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Come lay with me. I want to watch a movie with you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. You may be the most selfish and thoughtless person I know and I may be incredibly pissed off at you but I love you more than life and that never stops. So please, just come lay down with me.”

Sam walked around the bed and lied next to him. His arm went around her and he looked at her.

“And I never want you to forget you are everything to me, even when you do stupid shit.”

“I’m—“

“Don’t say it, Sam.”

Sam sighed, “I love you, baby.”

“Me too.”


	6. Five Years Old Part 2

Sam was passed out, one hand tucked under her head, the other lying on her stomach. Freddie watched it move up and down with her steady breathing for a minute, the thought of another baby growing inside there still processing in his head. She didn’t understand. She thought everything was going to be just fine; that he’d just smile and say he was excited, but after losing Cassie and having Lily get diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis there was nothing to be excited about. He’d made it very clear he didn’t want any more kids. The things he’d already dealt with were enough, and having Lily and Liam made him feel like the most blessed man on earth. He didn’t need or want any more.

He thought he could trust her. Even though he never saw any pills and she never said anything about taking the pills he assumed she would be honest and not play games like she was. He was beyond it. They weren’t teenagers anymore; hell, they weren’t even young adults anymore. Thirty had hit and it made him feel old; not in a walker and white hair sort of way, but in the sense that there was no time for stupid stuff anymore. He was a husband, a father, an employee and a 30 year old man. Apparently he had judged her wrong, thinking she had grown up too. Now he was thrown into another situation there was no escape from. Ready or not, here I am.

He loved Sam to death and that was something he never would or could deny, but he couldn’t help but wonder if loving her could still be enough, especially when he could barely stand to be around her anymore. She always wanted something no matter how much he gave. She kept pushing and pushing and the more she pushed for something the further he wanted to be from her. He knew there would be difficult times to go with the great ones when he married her, but he never imagined not being able to look at her and see the same girl he fell in love with. She wasn’t the same Sam. She was someone totally different. She just assumed if she apologized when she did something she knew she shouldn’t that everything would be fine, but it didn’t work like that now. Now, he could barely think her name without feeling the anger rising again.

He thought it might go away if he ignored her for a few hours, but it only faded a little, settling to a dull feeling in his stomach. When she came back in the room 7 hours later it boiled back up and made his eyes burn. There were a million things he wanted to say to her, but he’d had enough of the fighting and he just didn’t feel like thinking about it anymore, so he settled like he always did and tried to put it behind him.

Watching her sleep, with her hand on her stomach, just made the anger return if it had even left in the first place, and he couldn’t shake it. No matter how badly he wanted to just forget it, how badly he wanted to forgive her and move on, his heart wasn’t ready to let it go. Maybe it knew that she wasn’t on the same page as him, that she’d never be the same girl he fell in love with, that he was ready to pack up his stuff and leave. There was so much uncertainty, but one thing he did know; he felt like he’d been stabbed in the back. The thousands of promises she’d made, and broken, lingered in his head, making him feel nauseous.

He stood up carefully. He didn’t want Sam to wake up and start another argument with him. If he slipped out, he could get out without being confronted. He grabbed his bag from the closet, threw some clothes inside, and walked out of their bedroom, stopping to look at Sam for a second. He threw his bag on the couch and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen from the kitchen.

_Sam,_

_I don’t know how you expected me to react to this, and I don’t know what you expected me to do, but I can’t be around you right now. I can’t look at you, I can’t think about you, I can’t even write this note without being mad. It’s not going to go away, Sam, just like the baby isn’t going to go away._

_I’m sorry I have to break my promise to you, I really am, because I hate to be that kind of person, but maybe this will just be better for both of us. Please remember I didn’t lie, you still mean the world to me, but I don’t think that’s enough anymore. I don’t think loving you is enough anymore, Sam, and I don’t know if it ever was. I don’t know if loving you was ever worth all the shit I’ve let go in the past. I don’t know if you even know what being in love is really like, because I’m in love with you and I could never turn around and do something I knew you didn’t want just because I felt like it._

_Anyway, I’m going to do everything I can to keep Liam and Lily out of all of this, and I hope you do too, because they don’t deserve to be dragged into this whole thing. Make sure they know that daddy loves them and that none of this is on them. None of it. Hell, it’s not even on the baby. It’s us, Sam. It’s just how we ended up. Maybe we weren’t meant to be forever. I’m not going to tell you where I am, so please don’t bother asking. You’ll only drive yourself crazy._

_Freddie_

He left the note sitting on the counter and grabbed his bag from the couch. Ten years ago he’d never believe he would walk out on his wife and leave everything. His whole view on his marriage had changed in one day. He grabbed his keys, opened the door and took one last look around the apartment before letting the door close behind him and leaving it all behind.

X

He was lying in the bed in the hotel room, flipping through the channels on the television and cursing himself for leaving. He never imagined being this person. He’d always prided himself in the fact that he never broke a promise and whenever he was mad he remembered his wedding vows. He felt dirty and selfish.

His phone vibrated next to him and he sighed. It was 4:30 in the morning and he knew that Sam was awake now. She always woke up when he did. He picked up his phone and stared at the screen for a long time.

_Where are you?_

The one thing he didn’t want to be asked, that he had begged her not to ask, was staring him in the face. He didn’t want to talk to her, but he needed to talk to her, and the pain that was tearing him apart inside from watching her sleep and knowing he had just left her blinded was making it nearly impossible to ignore her.

He dropped his phone back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. How had they gotten to this point? How did it get so bad that he couldn’t stand to look at her anymore? He’d been able to let things far worse than this go in the past, yet this was something that kept him angry, kept him hurt, kept him from being the husband he had always been and always dreamed of being. He wondered to himself whether he had really loved Sam at all, really been in love with her, or if he had fooled himself into thinking he was because the thought of anyone else having her drove him crazy. Was there a point in time where everything you thought you had, came crashing down and you realized it had never been real? The slew of questions passing through his mind with no answers drove him almost as crazy as not having any answers for Cassie. He felt helpless, like every girl in his life was destined for some kind of fate they didn’t deserve, and it was all his fault.

_I love you. Please. Come home, baby. I can’t stand this._

In the last six years she’d learned to be more open with him, not always honest, but open enough to be vulnerable. She had learned to trust him enough to talk about things she wanted, dreams she had, things she was struggling with, and he had been so thankful for that. Right now she was vulnerable, she was hurting, and he was the reason.

_How do you know when you love someone, Sam?_

He closed his eyes; totally lost in himself, confused and broken. There wasn’t a single person who would understand just what he felt like. Not even his mom, who was probably awake right now. His phone went off again and he looked over at it. Sam was calling him, and he didn’t know whether he wanted to answer or not. He sighed again and, against his better judgment, picked up the phone.

“What do you want, Sam?”

“When you wake up and smile because they’re right next to you and you feel safe because they’re there to protect you from anything you’re afraid of. And when you go to bed you fall asleep thinking about them and knowing there’s no better feeling than when you’re with them. When you miss them, even though they’ve been gone less than a day and you know it’s only a few short hours until you can see them again. But mostly, when you put their needs before your own. When their happiness is more important than your pain. When you really love someone, baby, like I love you, you’re willing to give away your heart and never look back.”

“Sam—“

“And I know that I am probably the last person you want to hear from right now, Freddie, but I didn’t lie when we got married. I meant every word of it. And I’ve lied to you a lot more than I should have and I can’t say sorry enough for it but you have to believe me when I say you’re all I want and need for the rest of my life. I can’t imagine a life without you. I know it was selfish and stupid and wrong to do what I did to you and it kills me that I hurt you. I should have told you about the pill. I should have told you how I was feeling. Freddie, I swear I was going to go back on it, I really was, but it was like a constant battle in me because I wanted you to be happy but I wanted to be happy too. And being a mother, that’s what makes me happy. You say we have Lily and Liam but I look at them every day and I say to myself ‘my babies aren’t babies anymore’, and it scares me Freddie. I know that you think I’m the most selfish person in the entire world and you’re probably right. I should have put you first.” he could hear her voice cracking, “I should have just listened to you and respected your opinion. You pushed aside your own feelings about things I wanted so I could be happy and I didn’t do that for you,” she coughed and took a shaky breath, “I realize I haven’t been the best wife; I haven’t been the wife you deserve. I’m not perfect. I’m flawed and scarred and a mess. You’re so amazing, Freddie, and I don’t deserve you. I never did. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting you and needing you. You and the kids, you’re the best part of me; the only good part of me. Please don’t take that away.”

“Sam, I can’t do this right now,” he sighed. He could almost hear the tears hitting the phone on the other end and knowing she was crying was tearing him apart.

“I know,” she cleared her throat, “I know that. And I can respect that because I want you to be happy. I don’t blame us, Freddie, because it wasn’t us that caused this problem. It was me; that’s all there is to it. I know that I messed up really bad so if it takes you leaving, if it takes you,” she drew in a ragged breath, “divorcing me, then I’ll learn to live with it. Because I meant what I said. When you love someone their happiness has to be more important than your pain. But please, please don’t forget that I really do love you and I always will.” She was silent, waiting for his response. “I’ll let you go so you can get ready for work—“

“I’m not going to work.”

“Oh.”

“Look, Sam. I don’t think there’s anything left to say. Just, make an appointment, go to the doctor, find out where you are with the baby.”

“Are you going to come home?”

“I don’t know.”

“Freddie, please—“

“Don’t, Sam. Just for once, listen to what I’m saying.”

“Okay,” he heard her voice crack again, “I love you.”

“Yeah. Me too. Bye.”

X

_The appointment is at 3:00. I need you to pick the twins up from school._

 Freddie was staring down at his phone, Sam’s name still blinking on the screen. He’d only moved from the hotel bed once, and just to tell the housekeeper he was fine and didn’t need anything. Otherwise he’d just sat there, looking at the television screen. He wasn’t really watching it, just staring at it. His mind was still on Sam and the baby, Sam and the separation, Sam and all the drama that came with his relationship with her. Sam.

He had expected her to ask him at least three times to come with her to the appointment, but luck was on his side today and she couldn’t get one any sooner than the time the twins got out of school, so he had an out other than ‘I don’t feel like being around you and the baby.’ The baby. It didn’t feel like his baby, just a baby, like the ones you’d watch on T.V. or look at in a hospital.

 It was 1:00 in the afternoon now, and he was half considering going back to the apartment to talk to Sam, but they’d already talked and it hadn’t made him feel better. He didn’t have any more answers now than he did before. He couldn’t figure out what his heart or his brain were telling him, so he decided to give up trying, and call the only person who might have something helpful to say.

 “Well it’s about time you call me, Fredward Benson, I was—“

 “Mom,” he breathed, “don’t.”

 “What’s wrong? Is Lily okay? Are you okay? What’s going on?”

 “Lily’s fine and so is Liam and,” he looked at the ceiling, trying to form the words he hated, the words that tasted like hot sauce and peppers mixed and made his tongue burn, “she lied, and there’s a baby, and I just—“

 “Who lied? What do you mean there’s a baby?”

“Sam.”

 “Oh my gosh, Fredward, did she cheat on you? Oh, that little—“

 “No, mom! Stop jumping to conclusions,” he sat up straighter in the bed and looked down at his left hand. His wedding ring still stood out even though it was slightly faded. The plain, gold band that had tied him to Sam for the last ten years, “she told me she was on birth control and she wasn’t. And I didn’t want any more, mom. I told her that. And she lied to me, and now there’s a baby, and I can’t change any of it. I’m so mad at her, mom, and I don’t know what to do,” he swallowed back the tears that were forming in his eyes and sighed, “I just don’t know what to do. So I left and—“

 “You did _what_?”

 “I left, I went to a hotel. I can’t stand to be around her. Every time I look at her all I see is a liar and a baby and, just, not Sam.”

 “You left her?”

 “I don’t know, mom, maybe. I didn’t know what else to do. I—“

 “You don’t _maybe_ walk out on your wife and kids, Fredward Benson.”

 “Mom—“

 “Don’t ‘Mom’ me Freddie. You know I’m right. You can’t take the easy out when you have a family. It isn’t just you and Sam anymore.”

 “Mom, she lied to me. She lied to me to get what she wanted. She promised me she was on the pill and that she was happy with just having Cassie and Lily and Liam. She doesn’t get that the choices she makes don’t just affect her—“

 “I understand that, but it doesn’t change anything. You’ve still got three, soon to be four, children with her. It goes both ways, Freddie. The choices you make don’t just affect you and her; they affect Lily and Liam, too. Don’t you remember how torn up you were when your dad left?”

“Don’t compare me to him. He’s nothing but a piece of shit.”

“That may be true, but right now, you’re acting just like him. You’re doing exactly the same thing to your children, Freddie. Those babies need you. You have to put them first. I did a lot of things wrong before your father left, but you were always my top priority. Sam may have done something you don’t like, but you committed to staying by her side no matter what. You have been begging me for years to be nice to that girl no matter how inappropriate her behavior toward me and now you just turn around and walk away from her when her behavior inconveniences you? She needs you! She’s had a hard life, Freddie. She’s gone through a lot more than a woman her age should have to. Everyone she’s ever loved has left her or treated her poorly. Do you want to be one of those people?”

“No, but—“

 “There is no but in it. You married her. You have children with her. You promised to be there with and for her. She may not be perfect, but she loves you and those children. Marrying you and becoming a mother are the two best decisions she’s ever made. Motherhood is something she’s really good at, something that makes her proud. It’s not just a title to her; she has embraced it with everything she has. I agree that the way she went about having another baby was wrong, but the baby isn’t a mistake to her and it shouldn’t be a mistake to you either. You have to pick your battles, Freddie. Is having another baby so terrible that it’s worth breaking apart your entire family?”

 “I get it, mom.”

 “You two need to sit down and talk. Not yell, not fight, not point fingers, talk.

 “I don’t know what to say to her,” he whispered.

 “You’ll figure it out. I have to go; Spencer’s coming over here for dinner.”

 “Spencer?”

 “Yes, Spencer. I love you, sweetie.”

“I love you, too, mom.”

 He heard the other line go dead and dropped his phone back on the bed, closing his eyes and covering his face with his hands. He fell back onto the bed and groaned. He was right back where he started.

 X

 “Where are my babies?” Freddie heard Sam call from the door. Lily and Liam looked up and smiled.

 “Go say hi to mommy,” Freddie said, picking up the game off the floor. The twins jumped up and ran out of the room, laughing the whole way.

 “Oh! I thought I lost you guys to daddy,” Sam laughed. Lily shook her head.

 “I missed you, mommy,” she smiled. Sam laughed.

 “I missed you, too, sweetheart. Where’s daddy?”

 “He’s in our room. We were playing Candyland!”

 “Is your homework done?”

 “Yeah.”

 “Okay. Hey, can you guys go in your room for a little bit?” Sam asked as Freddie came around the corner, “daddy and I have to talk.”

 “Okay, mommy,” Lily looked at Liam, “race you!” she took off, followed closely by Liam, who never liked to be beat.

 “So, how’d the appointment go?” Freddie asked, leaning against the wall. Sam shrugged.

 “Fine. Doctor said I’m 8 weeks. So the baby will be here late June, early July,” she shoved her hands in her pockets and looked at the floor, “I really am—“

 “Don’t say it, Sam. The more you say you’re sorry the angrier I get with you,” he pushed himself away from the wall and motioned for Sam to follow him into their bedroom. Sam pulled her hands out of her pockets and followed him silently, her heart racing, wondering what was about to happen. Freddie shut the door behind her and sighed.

 “I know that—“

 Freddie held his hand up to stop her, “let me talk, Sam,” he dropped his hand and looked down at the floor, “look, maybe leaving wasn’t the best option, but it was the only option I had. If I stayed, I’d yell and we’d get nowhere. It’s so hard to look at you knowing that, once again, you went behind my back to get what you wanted. I know I can’t change it, Sam, and that come this summer there’s going to be a new baby here, but I can’t say enough how extremely, extremely upset I am with you. I thought you had grown up. I thought I could trust you. And it breaks my heart to know that I can’t.”

 “Worse things could happen, Freddie. It’s just a baby.”

 “No, Sam, it’s not _just_ a baby. It’s not like a movie that you can throw away or something. And I know worse things could happen, but they didn’t. This happened. And it’s not about the baby, it’s about the fact that you lied to me and went behind my back knowing full well how I felt about it. Sam, do you think you’re the only person affected by our kids? Because you’re not. I hurt just as bad as you do over Cassie, and two years ago when Lily got really sick I was just as scared as you were and if anything ever happened to Liam or Lily I’d be just as upset or scared as you would be. Those are my babies, too, and I hate to watch them grow up just as much as you do but they are. And the new baby is going to grow up too. Then what are you going to do? You can’t just keep getting pregnant because the kids are growing up. You don’t understand Sam, if one more thing happens to one of our kids I’m going to break. That’s why I didn’t want any more. It’s not because I wanted you to be miserable or I was sick of kids because if Cassie were here and Lily were healthy I’d be just fine with having as many kids as you want, but that’s not the case.”

 “Baby, I—“

 “But you never asked, Sam. You just don’t get it. You want to protect our kids? So do I. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could do something to make Lily healthy. I hate watching her every second I’m here with her, having my heart jump when she coughs, knowing there’s absolutely nothing I can do for her. I hate that a mix of the two of us caused her to be stuck with this. I hate that I have no answers for why Cassie isn’t here. You don’t get it, Sam. I can’t handle anything else. I’m really surprised I’ve made it this far without cursing God out and wondering why the hell we got shit on with our kids. And there is no guarantee this baby is going to be fine, Sam, as much as you like to believe it will be. And I will literally die if I have to watch one more innocent baby go through anything. I mean anything, Sam. If that baby comes out and it doesn’t cry the second it’s born or it’s not the right color or they so much as say there could be any sort of complication I’m going to die. Do you understand that? I can’t handle not being able to protect my family. I’ve had to learn to accept the circumstances we’ve been handed, and I can handle them, but I can’t handle any more.”

 “I heard you.”

 “Well I’m going to keep saying it until you get it because you don’t. I couldn’t save Cassie, I couldn’t help you when she died, I can’t fix Lily’s condition, I can’t keep her or Liam from getting hurt physically or emotionally and if anything happens to that baby I can’t do anything about it. Nothing. So you can think that I’m just an inconsiderate bastard and I had no real reason to not want another baby but you never asked me, and I really never wanted to have to explain myself to my wife.”

 “Okay, Freddie. Okay. I get it,” she sighed, “and I’ll feel the same way if something happens to the baby, but you can’t rule out having another baby just because something could happen. I mean, it’s worth a shot, right?”

 “No, it really wasn’t. Do you really want a repeat of what happened to Cassie? Do you want to be lying in a hospital bed crying over another dead child?”

 “They said it just happened, that there was no explanation, and that it was a rare thing, Freddie.”

 “There are a lot of rare things that could happen. Remember when Lily was born and she didn’t cry for a full minute after she was born? Do you want to feel that way again? Sam, sometimes the risk isn’t worth taking.”

 “I know, and I’m sorry I never asked you. I just assumed—“

 “Please don’t assume. Don’t assume anything. As long as we’re married, Sam, we have to be a team. It’s not just you and it’s not just me. It’s not even just us. Every decision we make, together or separate, affects Lily and Liam and the baby too.”

“I know,” she mumbled.

 “So I need to know that you’re going to talk to me about things and that we’re going to make big decisions together.”

 “I really will, Freddie.”

 “And you can’t keep lying to me.”

“I know.”

 “And no more secrets, Sam. None.”

 “Okay.”

 “Now come here,” he smiled. Sam looked up and smiled back, slowly walking towards him before he pulled her closer. He kissed her forehead.

 “I really love you, Sam, more than you will ever know. And I don’t want to see this end.”

 “I know.”

“So please stop going behind my back.”

“Okay.”

“And no more saying sorry.”

“Alright.”

“And tell me you love me.” Sam looked up at Freddie and smiled.

“I love you.”

 X

*15 weeks later*

Freddie walked into the apartment and threw his keys on the table. Sam was sitting on the couch, flipping through a book, not turning her attention away from the pages to look at him. He took his coat off and hung it up.

“Hey, what are you doing?” he asked her. She turned a page in the book.

“Looking through baby names.”

“Did you find anything you like?”

“No,” she put her hand on her stomach and looked at it, “it’s so hard. He hasn’t responded to any of the names I’ve said.”

“Well what have you tried?”

“I don’t know. Calvin. Allen. James. Toby. He doesn’t like any of them.”

“That’s because they’re ridiculous. Listen,” he sat next to her on the couch, “we have Cassie, Lily and Liam right? So the name you pick for the new baby has to flow with the others. Here, give me the book.”

“Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Call him the baby.”

“Because it is the baby.”

“I found out he was a boy for a reason, Freddie, you don’t need to call him an ‘it.’”

“Okay, Sam. Can we just focus on this, please?”

“Was work _really_ that bad that you have to be mean to me when you get home?”

“Baby, I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just tired. I’d like to sleep a little before Lily and Liam get done with school.”

“You don’t need to sleep. We need to talk. What’s up with you?”

“Nothing is up with me, Sam, I’m just tired. I didn’t sleep last night, Alex was following me around all day today just talking and talking and talking and in two hours the kids will be done with school and they’ll be running around and I just need some sleep.”

“I’m not just talking about today, Freddie. Ever since you came home you’ve been acting like he doesn’t exist. You won’t come to any of my doctor’s appointments with me, whenever the twins ask you about him you just shrug and tell them to ask me and when I want you to help me do something that has to do with him you say you’re tired or you’re not in the mood. I know you didn’t want another baby but would it kill you to acknowledge he’s your son?”

“I don’t go to your doctor’s appointments because I’m either at work or here with the twins, you know more about the baby than I do so when the twins ask something I know you’ll have a better answer than me and I am tired, Sam, you have no idea what happens at work. Working here isn’t like working at the studio in Seattle for Jack.”

“You’re making up excuses.”

“No, I’m not.”

“He’s moving around,” she smiled, placing her hand on her stomach, “do you want to feel him?”

“No, I want to get this done.”

“You wanted to feel Cassie move and Lily and Liam.”

“So?”

“So,” she sighed, “clearly you have something against him. And I don’t care if you stay mad at me for the rest of your life but he doesn’t deserve it, so stop holding a grudge against him.”

“I don’t have anything against the baby.”

“Look at me,” she demanded. Freddie bit his tongue and looked into her eyes, “he is _our_ baby. He’s not just _the_ baby. We aren’t babysitting. He is our son. Okay?”

“Okay, Sam.”

“I know what’s going on here.”

“What do you think is going on, now?”

“You may not think I remember the talks we have but I do. And you can’t refuse to get close to him because something _might_ happen. He deserves just as much of your love and attention as Cassie got and Lily got and Liam got before they were born. If you’re scared, be scared, but don’t rule out being his father until he’s born because there’s a slim chance something could happen to him.”

“Sam,” he took her hand, “I promise I don’t have a grudge against the baby, okay? It’s just taking some time to get used to. I didn’t imagine being 30 years old and having another baby coming. So please, don’t think I hate it.”

“Him.”

“Him.”

“Freddie, it’s been almost four months since we found out. When are you going to get used to it? Because I need you and so does he.”

“I don’t know, Sam. Having another baby was _your_ dream. _You_ really wanted another one. I was fine. It’s not like I’m not excited about it—“

“Him!”

“Okay, sorry. Him. It’s just that I have to mentally and physically prepare myself for having another baby. I didn’t expect this. It’s something I’m trying to adjust to.”

“Well,” she looked down at her hand again, “I mean, is there anything I can do to help?”

Freddie smiled at her, “no baby, just give me time to figure this out. Let’s just talk about baby names, okay?”

“Okay,” she smiled and took the book from him again, “we should pick a letter to start with and then we can narrow it down.”

“Okay, so let’s eliminate C, A, J and T and whenever we say a name he doesn’t respond to we move on to a different letter.”

“Okay?”

“It makes sense, Sam, just go with it.”

Sam laughed, “I love how everything’s like a calculation with you. I guess you’ll always be a nerdy boy at heart.”

“Yeah, maybe. But you still love me even if I’m a nerdy boy at heart. Pick a name.”

“David?”

“No.”

“Eric?”

“Too plain.”

“Stephan?”

“No, people would say it wrong all the time.”

“Nathan?”

“Hell no.”

“Well come on, babe, I don’t know what to name him. And he’s not very helpful anyway because he moves all the time.”

“Okay, here, let me see it,” Sam handed him the book and sighed, “what about Brody?”

“What the hell?” she groaned, “I’ve been listing baby names for an hour and he hasn’t responded to any of them. You say _one_ name and he kicks.”

“It’s that Benson charm,” Freddie smirked. Sam rolled her eyes and laughed.

“I’m a Benson, too, Fredward. We got married.”

“Well, it’s that Benson man charm,” he laughed.

“Benson man charm?”

“True chizz.”

“Okay Mr. Benson. Brody what?”

“Brody Michael Benson.”

“I hate you,” she smiled. He shook his head.

“I love you.”

X

*35 weeks*

Sam was sitting on the floor in the twin’s room, trying to get everything together for their kindergarten graduation. She, personally, thought it was a mix of the stupidest thing and the cutest thing she’d ever heard. She had been really edgy lately, ready for the baby to be born. The Braxton Hicks contractions made her want to just crawl into bed and not move until Brody was in the room. They were coming strong now, every few minutes, and they were making her nervous.

“Mommy, can I feel Brody?” Lily asked.

“You need to find your dress first, Lily bug, then you can feel him. Okay?”

“But I don’t know where it is, mommy,” Lily stomped her foot. Sam took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

“Don’t throw a fit. You have your kindergarten graduation next week. Do you want to be the only one there in jeans?”

“I don’t care!”

“Lily Grace Benson,” Sam snapped through clenched teeth, “go find your dress. Now,” she sighed, “please baby?” she opened her eyes and looked at Lily, “did you put it in mommy and daddy’s room? Did you hang it up in the closet? Did you put it in your dresser? What did you do with it?”

“I don’t know,” Lily started to cry and Sam pulled her into a hug.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. Mommy’s just tired, okay? Go tell daddy to come here.”

“Okay,” Lily ran out of the room, “Daddy! Mommy says to get your butt in our room right now!” Lily laughed. Sam shook her head.

“That is _not_ what I said, Lily!” she laughed. Freddie came around the corner and smiled at her down on the floor.

“What’s up?”

“Come here,” she motioned him forward. He walked further into the room and kneeled in front of her.

“You okay?” his concern was etched on his face and Sam, already nervous, didn’t want to scare him or the twins.

“We need to go,” she said quietly.

“What do you mean? Go where?”

“Freddie, don’t play stupid with me right now,” she put her hand on her stomach and closed her eyes again, “we need to go.”

“Sam, you still have five weeks—“

“I’m telling you right now, Fredward, we need to go. Now.”

“But, Sam, they’re probably just—“

“Look, I’ve had three kids. I know what it feels like,” she snapped. Freddie looked at the ceiling.

“This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen, Sam,” he sighed.

“Well it’s happening so we can either sit in here all day or you can go get the kids ready and we can go. I’d choose wisely, Benson.”

“What are we going to do with the twins?”

“I’ll call Abby. She’s off today. She can come get them from the hospital.”

“Sam, are you sure about this? I mean, I don’t want to make you mad but—“

“I’m sure,” she said, taking a deep breath, “absolutely sure.”

“Okay,” he shot up and looked around the room, “okay, so I’ll just,” he looked down at her again, “okay, come on. You probably should be on your feet.”

“Thanks Einstein. Help me up.” She held her hand out and he pulled her up.

“Sam, I know I already asked this, but—“

“I’m fucking sure. Let’s. Go.”

“Okay. Sorry, I’m just—“

“I know you are. I am too. It could be nothing. But I can’t just sit here and—“

“Shit! Sam!” she didn’t have to ask, she could feel it. The both looked down at the floor.

“Go get the kids ready, and relax Fredward. You’re going to freak them out,” she took her cell phone out of her pocket and opened a new text.

_We’re going to the hospital. Pick kids up there?_

She walked into the living room where Freddie was putting shoes on Lily and Liam. Lily looked up at her, panic in her eyes that were still glossed over from crying, and started to open her mouth.

“It’s okay Lily, everything’s just fine. You don’t need to be scared,” Sam forced a smile which seemed to calm Lily down a little bit.

“Is Brody gonna come out now?”

“Maybe. We don’t know yet. We have to go to the doctor to find out, okay?”

_Just down the street. Be at the apartment in two minutes._

“Hey babe? Abby’s gonna be here in, like, two minutes. Are they ready to go?”

“Yeah. Just,” he looked around, “shit—“

Lily covered her mouth and Liam laughed, “daddy said a bad word!”

“Yes, Lily, I know daddy said a bad word,” Sam groaned, “please, can you two please use your quiet voices? And Freddie, whatever you’re over there saying bad words about go do it so we can go.”

“Yeah,” he walked into their room and someone knocked on the door.

“Come in, Abby! Guys, come here and give mommy a hug.” The twins jumped off the couch and Sam wrapped one arm around each of them.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you, too, mommy.”

“Love you, too, mama.”

“Go quick and say bye to daddy.” She let them go and they ran into her bedroom. She looked over at Abby.

“It’s really early, Sam,” Abby sighed. Sam nodded.

“I know,” she watched Lily and Liam run out of the room followed by Freddie and a poorly packed duffel bag.

“Ready to go, munchkins?” Abby asked the twins, smiling down at them.

“Yeah!” Abby took their hands and lead them out the door. Sam looked at Freddie, putting her hand back on her stomach as another contraction hit her. Freddie looked at her sadly.

“Sam,” he whispered. She nodded.

“I know.”

“No, you don’t know.”

“Let’s just go. Okay? Maybe it’s nothing.”

“Yeah,” he sighed, “right. Let’s go.”

X

They’d been sitting at the hospital for two hours, waiting for someone to tell them something. Freddie was pacing around the room, just like he’d done with Lily and Liam. He looked tired, like he hadn’t slept in days. Besides the contractions, Sam was calm. She had to be. If she got stressed out there really could be a problem.

“Freddie—“

“Don’t talk to me right now, Sam.”

“Don’t be an ass right now, you need to chill out.”

“Sam, I already told you if anything happens to this baby—“

“Nothing’s going to happen to him, Freddie. Just calm down. You’re making me nervous.”

“You should be nervous, Sam! If he comes today he could die. Do you get that?”

“First of all, why would you say something like that to me when I’m lying here with him fighting to get out? Second, you think I’m not scared? Because I am.”

“I told you—“

“Yeah! I know what you told me,” she snapped, “but that doesn’t change anything so stop pacing around like a—“ she turned when the doctor walked in, clipboard in hand, followed by a few nurses. Her heart stopped, knowing that whatever the doctor said was not what she wanted to hear.

“He’s ready, Sam,” the doctor forced a smile and Sam shook her head.

“He can’t come yet, there’s no way he’s big enough to be born yet,” she looked at Freddie, who had stopped pacing and was now just staring at the doctor, mouth set in a straight line and anger and fear flaming in his eyes. Sam put her hand on her stomach, “he’s not ready.”

“He is. Just relax, I’m going to check you again. No matter what happens, we’ll take care of him.”

“What does _that_ mean? No matter what happens?”

“I mean, complications or not he’s going to be fine. We’ll take care of him, Sam. Just take it easy. You’re not to ten yet. I’ll come back and check on you in a little bit. If you need anything, hit the nurse button.” He turned and walked back out of the room, followed by his entourage of nurses. It was like he was a celebrity or something, followed by the paparazzi.

“Hi God, do you like to torture me? Just wondering,” Sam put her hands on her face and sighed. Freddie sat in the corner of the room and stared at the ceiling.

“You don’t even know what torture is, Sam.”

“Knock it off. You aren’t helping.”

“This was such a stupid idea.”

“If you hate Brody _so_ much you can leave.”

“Trust me, I’d rather be anywhere but here watching you give birth to a baby that’s probably going to have something wrong with it that I can’t fix. I meant it when I said I can’t handle any more, Sam. And you know what else? I don’t have anybody to talk me through this. There’s nobody here but us. Just you and me and that baby.”

“Brody.”

“Honestly, Sam. I could care less right now if you’re offended. This was a stupid idea that you tricked me in to.”

“I’m not fighting with you right now.”

“Good.”

“God, you’re such a jerk.”

“Trust me. You haven’t seen the worst of me, Sam. If anything is wrong with him you’ll think back on this and consider it sainthood.”

“You know, most husbands and fathers would be supporting their pregnant wife who’s in labor, not sulking in the corner about how unfair life is.”

“Yeah, most husbands and fathers don’t have wives who force them to have another kid.”

“Would you just drop that already? It doesn’t matter how he got here—“

“Yes it does.”

“No. What matters is that he’s here now and there’s no changing it. Besides, you and I both know the second you see him you’re going to turn into a big sap and start bawling so just stop.”

“I don’t see that happening.”

“Oh please, you did it with Cassie and Lily and Liam. I know you’re going to do it with Brody too.”

“One, who doesn’t cry over their dead child? Two, I didn’t cry over Liam, I cried over Lily, because she came out and didn’t cry at all. I don’t just turn into a complete sap over a baby.”

“Yes you do, and it’s cute, so just stop being a grump.”

“How are you so calm?”

“Because one of us has to be reasonable here, Fredward Benson, and it’s obviously not you. Besides, stress might complicate things.”

“Aren’t you in pain?”

“Horribly, but it’s not like I haven’t experienced it before.”

“You haven’t even started cursing me yet, telling me you want to, what was it, rip my intestines out with your bare hands? Shove me out a window?” Freddie smirked. Sam shook her head.

“That’s because you’re too busy yelling at me for me to yell at you. I see something wrong with this. I’m the one in the bed in labor and you’re the one yelling. Mama doesn’t like that.”

“Well if my death is prevented by my yelling at you then I’m doing something right.”

“You should go call your mom.”

“And tell her what exactly? Hi mom, we’re in the hospital. Sam might have a baby today, but maybe tomorrow. Oh yeah, we know it’s five weeks early. Don’t worry, mom, Sam says everything’s fine. Oh yeah, no, nothing to worry about.”

“Or you could try hi mom, we’re in the hospital. Sam might have _Brody_ today, but maybe tomorrow. Oh yeah, we know _he’s_ five weeks early. Don’t worry, mom, the _doctor_ said everything _should_ be fine and if everything _isn’t_ fine they’ll take care of Brody. So, if you would, please keep Sam and Brody in your prayers and hopefully he’ll come out nice and healthy and nothing too serious will be wrong with him.”

“No guarantee, Sam.”

“Well you can’t just sit there and throw all this negativity around. I know you’re worried about him and I am too but talking about the bad stuff that could happen isn’t going to make either of us worry any less. It’s just going to make things that much more nerve-wracking. And if you call him an it one more time I’m going to throw something at your head.”

“What if he comes out a girl? Then he really was an it.”

“No, then he was a she. But that won’t happen because I made her check six times when I went. He’s a boy.”

“Well, I’m taking a nap. Wake me up when he’s coming. Maybe you should try to sleep too.”

“I can’t sleep. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have contractions?”

“Uhh, no. I don’t. Sorry.”

“Well why don’t you come over here, and I’ll punch you in the stomach a few hundred times until it feels like death and then you can try to lie down.”

“I’ll pass on that, babe.”

“I thought so. I’ll be fine. Just go to sleep.”

“Wake me up if you need me.”

“Don’t worry, I will.”

X

*three hours later*

“Okay, Sam. Ready?”

“No. I’d rather he stay in there for a few more weeks. Like, five.”

“I know. We would too, but he’s ready and already fighting his way out, so it’s time to go.”

“And you swear he’ll be fine?”

“He’ll be fine, Sam. We’ll take care of him. Are you ready?”

Sam looked at Freddie, who was standing by her side, her hand in his, looking at her face. He squeezed her hand and nodded.

“Yeah, let’s go.” She closed her eyes and listened only to what her body was telling her to do. Freddie pushed her hair out of her face and kept his fingers on her forehead for a few seconds. She felt like maybe, this time, things would be different. Maybe this time everything would work out, even if Brody was five weeks early. She’d hope for it, keep it in her mind, and beg God to make him the miracle she wanted him to be. She didn’t keep track of how many times she pushed or focus on how much it hurt between the contractions and the lack of medication. She’d decided when she found out that if she could have Cassie naturally and the twins naturally then she could have Brody naturally. Some people thought she was crazy, but it was the only option to her.

It felt like she’d been lost in herself for hours, but it had only been thirty minutes and when she opened her eyes again she saw Freddie staring at her, tears in his eyes, and nearly pointed out how right she was about him being a sap.

“Sam, he looks just like Cassie,” Freddie whispered. Sam looked over at the doctors, who were carrying a baby so small she almost didn’t believe it was Brody.

“Get him to the NICU, get him on some oxygen.” Sam was snapped out of the wonderful world of Brody by the doctor’s urgent words. She stared at him, almost angry, and waited for him to say something. It was apparent that if she wanted answers she’d have to ask the questions.

“What’s wrong with him?” she blurted out. The doctor turned around and looked at her, almost as if he’d forgotten she was in the room.

“He’s just having a little trouble breathing. It will be fine, Sam. We’re going to—“

“Take care of him? What do you mean he’s having trouble breathing? Is he breathing?”

“Yes, we’re going to take care of him. Yes, he’s breathing, but its shallow breathing and it’s a little difficult for him. It’s not something we can’t handle. Just relax, take a break. You did a great job, Sam. Now let us do ours. You’ll see him soon enough.”

Sam looked over at Freddie, who had dropped her hand and closed his eyes. He looked hurt and she couldn’t tell which part of the whole situation hurt him.

“Babe?”

“Maybe it’s a sign, Sam. I mean, he looks exactly like Cassie. Exactly. To a T. Maybe—“

“No. Don’t you dare say it Fredward Benson. Brody is going to be just fine.”

“I’m the worst father in the world,” he sighed.

“No, baby, you’re an amazing father.”

“No. If something happens to him, Sam, it will be my fault because I didn’t want him. God will rip him away from us because I didn’t want him.”

“What? That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard—“

“No it’s not, Sam, because it’s just like with Cassie. I was too concerned with myself to bond with her and she got taken away from us and he looks just like her and it’s almost the same thing. I was too worried about how I felt to get attached to him and if God takes him away it’s going to be because of me.”  

“No, Freddie. No. He’s going to be fine. Look at me,” she took his hand again and pulled on his arm until he looked down at her. His eyes were bloodshot and she could see him swallowing back the tears.

“Freddie—“

“Sam, I can’t handle this. I know I told you that already, but I really can’t. That’s….he’s….that little boy in there, he’s going through everything he shouldn’t have to go through and I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything to help him. I can’t protect him.”

“I know, baby, I know.”

“He has to be okay.”

“He’s going to be fine, Freddie.”

“How do you know?”

“Because these are some of the best doctors in the business and they aren’t going to let anything happen to him.”

“Sam—“

“Just relax, baby. It’s going to be just fine. Just relax. Don’t get worked up. He’s here, he’s alive, that’s what matters right?”

“Yeah,” he sighed, “yeah, you’re right,” he kissed her hand, “you should get some sleep, Sam.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

“I’m fine,” he ran his free hand over his face, “as long as Brody’s fine I’m fine.”

“Then I’m going to sleep. Wake me up if—“

“I know. Sweet dreams baby, you did amazing. As always.”

“Thank you.”

“I love you so much Sam Benson.”

“I love you too.”

X

Freddie was standing over Brody, running his hand over his small head. The doctor had given him permission to go in and see him. He had thought about waking Sam up, but she was really out and he wanted time alone with the baby. His eyes were glued on the oxygen tube and no matter how hard he tried to look at anything else, they were stuck.

“I’m sorry, baby boy. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m sorry I can’t take it away. I would if I could. If I could make everything in your life easy I would do it. I hope you know that.”

He put his finger in Brody’s hand and smiled when his hand instantly closed around it. He hadn’t felt like this in a long time. He never thought he’d feel this way again and before Brody came along he wasn’t sure he wanted to, but staring down at him pushed aside all the hard feelings he had against Sam. He knew Brody belonged with them and however he got here, he was glad to have him.

“Do you know how special you are to your mommy? She fought long and hard for you, Brody Michael Benson, long and hard. She was never going to give up on you, and she never will. She loves you a lot more than you will probably ever understand. She’ll probably cry when you learn to sit up on your own, when you learn to roll around, crawl, walk, talk. She’ll probably bawl her eyes out on your first birthday,” he laughed, “but that’s okay because that just means that you hold a special place in her heart,” he ran his thumb along the back of Brody’s hand, “and you hold a special place in my heart, too, Brody, because you’re a fighter. And if I ever lost you I don’t know what I would do. I know I was really selfish when your mommy was pregnant, but I can’t look at you and feel that way anymore. You…you’re my son and I love you with everything I have and I’ll fight until my last breath to keep you as safe as I can.”

Brody continued to sleep, the words not even fazing him. Freddie hadn’t expected them to, he was only a few hours old, but hearing himself say them made him feel free. Having the grudge against Sam had held him back and now, when he looked at the baby that had come from a lie, it didn’t seem so bad to let go. He’d fought for a long time to stay mad at her, but Brody was perfect and made it impossible for him to continue that fight.

“Okay baby boy, I get it. Keep fighting, my Brody, and I’ll come see you again when your mommy’s awake,” he moved away carefully, looking at Brody one more time before exiting the room.

X

Sam was released three days later, just in time for the twin’s kindergarten graduation, but Brody remained in the hospital for three more weeks. The twins loved going to the hospital and seeing him. Lily especially loved talking to him about Cassie, even though she didn’t know much about her. She was the story teller. Liam just enjoyed having a brother.

Freddie’s mom flew up with Carly the week Brody got released from the hospital and they had a big party for him. Carly couldn’t stop looking at him, bringing up how much he looked like Cassie every three minutes, and Marissa hugged Sam more than Sam preferred, but Sam had accepted it. She was as excited about Brody and his health as Sam was, especially since he was fine. There was nothing wrong with him. Besides being born pre-mature he was a healthy little baby.

Sam especially enjoyed listening to Freddie say ‘my son’ more than he needed to. Every time she heard it she smiled, knowing that all the guilt she’d felt through her whole pregnancy could finally disappear. She didn’t know if he’d come around in the end or not, but she was glad that he did. She was happy to have her perfect family, every single member, and now she could give it a rest and not try for any more. The option was still on the table, though, because Freddie had chickened out of the vasectomy.

Sam and Freddie were lying in bed. Freddie had just put Brody down, the twins were fast asleep, and everything was quiet.

“I’m really glad you tricked me, Sam.” Sam turned and looked at him.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, when I saw his face, all the anger I had just disappeared. All the resentment and frustration and negativity left my body. And even though I would have preferred we talked about it, I’m really glad you tricked me, because if you hadn’t we wouldn’t have Brody and I would probably never feel the way I feel right now.”

“So, you’re happy we have him then?”

“Hell yes. He’s so perfect, Sam. So perfect. And the twins love him to death.”

“What about you?”

“I love him to death, too, Sam. And I mean literally. Until the day I die you, Cassie, Lily, Liam and Brody are going to be part of me. Forever.”

“So you don’t hate me?”

Freddie kissed her and smiled.

“Never.”


	7. Six Years Old

 “Hi Brody bear, did you have a nice nap?” Sam smiled down at her tiny baby boy, who was wiggling around in his crib, “It’s your brother and sister’s birthday.” she cooed. Brody smiled, “Yes it is. They’re getting so big, Brody. Will you stay little? Mommy would really like that.” she picked him up from his crib, “Oh,” she wrinkled her nose, “and I’m sure you’d like to get out of that stinky diaper huh?” She laid him on the changing table.

“Mommy?” Lily yelled from the twin’s room.

“I’m in Brody’s room, baby!”

She heard little feet pattering on the floor before Lily peeked her head around the corner.

“Mommy, I need your help!”

“In a second, Lily bug, let me finish changing your brother.”

“But I need your help now!”

“Lily—“

“Mommy,” Lily whined.

“Just be patient, sweetheart, give me a few minutes.”

“But mommy!” Lily stomped her foot, “It takes lots of time to get pretty!”

Sam laughed, “Lily, you are the cutest little girl in the world.”

“I don’t just wake up cute!”

“Yes,” Sam walked over to the closet and pulled our an outfit for Brody, “you do just wake up cute my princess.”

“Mommy,” she whined again, “Joey Ipnes is coming today!”

“Joey who?”

“Joey! My boyfriend!”

“Your what?” she dressed Brody quickly and picked him up.

“Mom!”

“Lily, you are _way_ too young to have a boyfriend,” Sam laughed. Lily folded her arms and rolled her eyes.

“No I’m not, Mommy. I’m six years old now.”

“God help us,” Sam muttered under her breath as she walked toward Lily, “I know you’re six now.  You didn’t think I forgot my baby’s birthday did you?”

“I’m not your baby anymore, Mommy, Brody is.”

“Until I’m old and gray you’ll be my baby, Lily, now what are you going on about? What do you need help with?”

“My hair is yuck, I need my dress and,” she sighed, “I wanna wear make-up mommy.”

“No,” Sam moaned, “no, no, no, no, no.”

“I just wanna be pretty like you, mommy.”

“Lily, honey,” Sam sat Brody in his swing and turned back to Lily, “you don’t need to wear make-up to be pretty. Besides, you’re too little to wear make-up.”

“But you wear make-up.”

“When?”

“When you and daddy go somewhere. You wear make-up for daddy.”

“That’s different,” Sam sighed.

“How?”

“Because daddy and I are married and I’m a grown up. Please, slow down a little bit and enjoy being a kid, Lily Grace.”

“But I have a boyfriend now, mom.”

“Lily, you can’t have a boyfriend.”

“Why not?”

“Because you don’t need a boyfriend.”

“Why don’t I need one?”

“Why _do_ you need one?”

“Because mommy,” Lily exaggerated, “when you have a boyfriend you get to look at them and think they’re all cute and stuff.”

“That’s why you want a boyfriend?”

“Duh!”

“To look at him?”

“Yeah!”

“Lily—“

“Mommy, he loves me.”

“No,” Sam laughed, “let’s go find your dress.”

“Yes he does,” Lily led the way to her room, “he told me.”

“Okay Lily,” Sam shook her head. Freddie was going to freak out when she told him about this, and he was probably going to be more upset that she encouraged it by laughing. He’d probably go out and buy the bars to put over her window that night.

“He did! And then the tried to kiss me, mommy, but I was like ‘no way, dude.’”

“Well I’m glad you did that. What dress were you looking for?”

“The purple one.”

“Where’s your brother?”

“I dunno.”

“Weren’t you just playing with him in here two minutes ago?”

“Yeah but then he left.”

“I can’t leave you two alone for five minutes without you running off.” she reached into the closet and pulled out Lily’s favorite purple dress, “Here. Go on and get dressed and then we’ll do something nice with your hair okay? I’m going to go find—“

“Hey little man, what are you doing?” Sam heard Freddie’s voice traveling through the apartment and smiled. Freddie had called into work almost every day that Brody was in the hospital; despite the silent disapproval from Alex. To make up for that time he’d been working almost every day since Brody came home, including today. When he’d gotten up at 4:30 this morning and started getting ready for work Sam had wanted to argue and tell him that nothing in the world, not even his job, was more important than being home on the twin’s birthday, but before she could even open her mouth he’d nodded and told her if it were any other situation and he wasn’t already on the verge of being fired he would just call in. As much as she disagreed with him, Sam shut her mouth. It wasn’t worth arguing about, especially since it wouldn’t change anything.

Sam still had two weeks of maternity leave left from her job. The call center was really flexible and since Brody was born five weeks early they’d told her to take all the time she needed and come back when she was ready. Sam walked into the living room where Freddie was kneeling next to Liam; both of them watching Brody.

“…when you were little you used to love to love to lay on the floor with your toys and just kick your legs everywhere,” Freddie said softly.

“Really?”

“Yes. And you know how mommy goes into Brody’s room a lot?”

“Yeah.”

“Well she used to go check on you and Lily a lot more. We were so happy that you guys were our babies. So when you see mommy,” he lowered his voice, “make sure to give her a big hug and tell her you love her because I think she’s sad that you are growing up.”

“Why?”

“Because you used to be just a little baby like Brody and now you’re in school and you’re making friends and becoming a big boy and she misses when she could have you all to herself all day.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, so just remember to give her a big hug and tell her you love her because I think that would make her happy.”

“Okay daddy.”

“What are you two doing?” Sam asked. Liam turned around and smiled before running at her and hugging her legs.

“I love you, mommy.”

“I love you too, Liam Andrew.”

“And don’t worry mommy. I’m never gonna get big.”

Sam laughed, “Alright. That sounds good to me. Go and find what you want to wear to your party and keep it clean.”

Liam took off down the hall and Freddie stood up, smiling at Sam.

“Nice pep talk to the munchkin, dad.”

“Well he was asking about when he was a baby so I figured I’d throw in how much he’s grown up.”

“Getting bigger by the second.”

“That’s for sure,” he hugged her, burying his face in her neck, “I’m sorry I had to work.”

“Don’t worry about it. I know Alex.”

 “So,” he lifted his head and smiled, keeping his arms around her, “what do I have to do for this party?”

“Well, Abby’s coming over in an hour and she’s bringing the cakes. We have to decorate the apartment up. We have to get all the food ready and set up. Your mom’s coming over to watch Brody while we get everything ready. We have to—“

“Sam,” she stopped talking and looked at him, “I asked what _I_ had to do for this party. You just need to relax for a little bit. I can practically see your hair falling out. Breathe. Take a break. I can handle setting things up for a birthday party. Brody’s sleeping, the twins are getting dressed. I can handle this.”

“Our babies, our job Fredward.”

“Listen, you’ve been thinking about this party all day, planning and making decisions and being here with the kids. I just got home. Let me do something without you breathing down my neck for a change. I know relinquishing control is almost impossible for you, but I think you’ll live.”

“I wouldn’t count on it.”

“Please babe?”

“Freddie—“

“Please? Just until Abby or my mom gets here. Then you can do whatever you want.”

“I don’t like this.”

“Come on, baby.”

“Why the sudden interest in decorating?”

“Because you got to give birth to them—“

“Yeah that was pleasant.”

“And you get to be here when they wake up and you get to hang out with them all day and when they’re in school you get to help them with their homework and bathe them. You don’t let me do anything else and I’d love to have at least one day a year that I get to take part in doing something for them since, you know, I helped make them and all.”

“You’re like a nerd at a new game store.”

“Just please let me do this?”

“Since when do you ask my permission to do something for Liam or Lily or Brody?”

“Since we’re doing this ‘making big decisions together’ thing.”

“Whether or not I’m going to sit around for God knows how long while you probably make a mess of everything hardly qualifies as a big decision.”

“It does to you since you think you’re going to die if you don’t.”

“I just might.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Wanna bet what?”

“I bet you can’t sit here for thirty minutes while I decorate the apartment.”

“I bet you’re right.”

“Sam.”

“Hey, I gotta make sure making this bet is worth it. What are we betting?”

“If you win I’ll take you out somewhere, wherever you wanna go, without the kids. Just the two of us.”

“And who’s going to watch them?”

“Abby.”

“And if you win?”

“If I win you have to let me bathe and put the kids down for bed every night for a month by myself.”

“You can’t handle doing that for a month.”

“Fine, a week. You in?”

“Promise you won’t trash the place?”

“I’m not going to make a mess of the apartment, Sam. You in or what?”

She looked around the apartment and weighed her options. She wasn’t one to back out of a bet, but if he screwed up it would take her at least an hour to fix everything. She sighed and forced a smile, “I’m in. This is an easy win.”

“We’ll see about that Princess,” he smiled.

“Clocks ticking, Fredward.”

“Where’s the stuff?”

“In the closet.”

“Alright Mrs. Benson. Prepare to be amazed.”

X

Sam won the bet, even stretching out the time to do Lily’s hair. The older Lily got the more independent she became and she had a way of politely demanding things that Sam couldn’t say no to, so she spent close to an hour trying different things with Lily’s hair before Lily became satisfied with a simple braid down her back. Liam was running around the living room with the toy airplanes Freddie had bought him when he came home. He thought if he bought gifts for the twins they would forget he ever left and as much as Sam hated to admit it he was right. They’d jumped right back into his arms like nothing had happened, and he had allowed her to do the same.

"Liam, you need to settle down and go pick up your toys before your friends get here," Sam warned. Liam took off towards the twin's room, buzzing the whole time, "Abby, I know you're a guest this time and everything but Freddie and Marissa and I are going to be so busy so if our backs are turned can you please make sure Lily and Liam aren't sticking their fingers in the cakes?"

 "No problem, Sam. I'm more than willing to help with anything."

 "Great! Thank you, you are a life saver. Freddie, I--" there was a knock on the door, cutting Sam off mid-sentence. She rolled her eyes. There were a million things left to do and she'd specifically asked the parents not to drop their kids off more than 15 minutes before the party. She sighed, put on her best happy face, and opened the door. There, standing the doorway, hand half raised in a fist to knock on the door again, was an exact reflection of herself. The only difference was that Melanie's smile was genuine, while Sam's was forced.

 "Mel?"

 "That's what they call me," Melanie laughed, "most of the time."

 "What are you doing here?" she didn't mean to sound rude, but she'd expected Melanie to be down in Florida, not standing two feet from her bearing two gifts; one wrapped in pink and one in blue.

 "Well..." Melanie bit her lip and looked at Freddie. Sam turned around and Freddie smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck as if he'd been busted doing something he wasn't supposed to.

 "She's never really seen the twins besides in pictures and videos and she was really excited to meet Brody so I flew her up here."

 "And," Melanie started again. Sam turned back to her, "I wanted to surprise you. I have something really big to tell you. Well, actually I have a few big things to tell you."

 Sam waited in silence for a minute, expecting Melanie to continue talking. After hearing nothing but the kids running around and Brody's music she finally threw her hands up, "Well? What did you fly all the way up here to tell me?"

 "Wait until after the party, Sam. Today is Lily and Liam's day. Speaking of, where the heck are my niece and nephew?"

 As if on cue, Lily came running around the corner, chased by Liam. Both stopped short, nearly running into Abby, who'd moved so she was standing to Sam's left, and stared at Melanie, a look of confusion etched on their faces.

 "Cool!" Liam shouted, "We have two mommy's, Lily! One for you and one for me!"

 Sam laughed at the thought. Liam was a smart kid, but sometimes he didn't think before he talked.

"What about Brody? He deserves a mommy too," she said. Liam looked between Sam and Melanie, his face had gone from confusion to deep thought in thirty seconds before it lit up.

 "Yeah! But you can just make another you again, mommy!"

 "Alright guys. You two and Brody only have one mommy and one daddy forever and ever. Come over here. This is your Auntie Mel. Remember her? You talk to her a lot on the phone."

 "But she looks like you mom," Lily stated. Sam nodded.

 "That's because Auntie Mel and I are twins."

 "Me and Liam are twins and we don't look like each other."

 "That's because he's a boy and you're a girl. Auntie Mel and I are both girls, so we look alike."

 "Go say hi, guys, she's not going to bite you," Freddie spoke up.

 Lily quickly ran up and gave Melanie a hug. Liam stayed still, eyeing her up with his arms folded across his chest and hesitation written all over him.

 "I don't like you," he snapped, "you don't smell nice like mommy."

 "Liam!" Freddie coughed, shock making him want to reach out and put his hand right over Liam's mouth before he said something else.

 "Mommy always smells like flowers and you just smell yucky."

 "Liam, that's enough!" Sam demanded, "You need to be nice. No more mouthing off."

 Liam dropped his arms and hung his head, "Sorry mommy," he mumbled.

"Thank you. Now go say hi. She came a long way to celebrate your birthday with you and your sister." Liam looked up and stared at Melanie for a long time before taking a step forward. He was always apprehensive to meet new people. Melanie was already kneeling, at eye level with the twins, and she waited patiently for Liam to come to her.

 Lily and Liam were as different as night and day whenever someone new came to the apartment. Lily was optimistic and friendly meeting them, while Liam sulked in the corner, the anger like fire in his eyes and his arms always folded securely across his chest like he was a body guard. He was a secretive kid, and Sam watched him like a hawk as he stepped closer and closer to Melanie.

 At the beginning of the summer after the twins had gotten out of school Sam had hired Abby to help watch them during the day to give her time to take care of Brody. Abby, who had just quit at the studio to focus more on trying to become a nanny, agreed with more enthusiasm than Sam expected. She'd gotten to know the twins in the time she'd worked in the day care at the studio and loved to hang out with them. Still, it didn't matter how much time Liam had spent around her at the studio, once she stepped into the apartment she was deemed a new threat. The first day she was there he scratched and bit her, hoping she would leave, but Abby shook it off and reassured Sam many times that it was no big deal.

 He was worse when a man came to the apartment. Sam had called the plumber to fix the kitchen sink and Liam had answered the door, promptly telling him that _"’my mommy is pretty and you can't have her because she's mine,’"_ before slamming the door in his face. Sam had never been easily embarrassed, but ever since Liam had learned to talk almost everything that came out of his mouth made her face go red. She had apologized up and down to the plumber, who laughed it off and fixed the sink, even giving her a discount for having such a cute kid.

 Now he was only inches from Melanie. She could reach out and touch him if she wanted to, but she stayed perfectly still, waiting for him to make the first move. Sam could think of a million things she needed to do, but she was glued in one spot, watching how Liam reacted to Mel. Melanie smiled at Liam, who stopped moving towards her and looked her up and down. She didn't understand how any of her kids could manage to be shy, especially around someone who looked just like her, but Liam was full of surprises and it made doing anything with him interesting.

 "Hi Liam." Melanie whispered, "Happy birthday."

 Liam turned around and looked at Sam, who nodded, "Say thank you, baby."

 "Thank you," Liam mumbled, turning his head back to Melanie. She reached her hand out to him. Liam stared at it for a minute before finally giving in and hugging her briefly. It happened quickly and when it was over he took off down the hall. Melanie stood up and smiled.

"So are you going to let me in or what?"

 X

 The chaos in the apartment had reached maximum level and Sam was having a hard time keeping up with all the kids running around. She thought having twins would prepare her for times like these, but even with Freddie, Marissa, Abby and Melanie for reinforcement she was still struggling to keep kids out of rooms they didn't belong in and keep them in one area where the five adults could watch them. Lily and Liam had disappeared somewhere in the crowd and Marissa was holding Brody, rocking him back and forth. Sam kept glancing over at her. If Brody cried, she'd probably panic. She was a mess as it was trying to keep up with all of this without having to worry about a screaming six week old baby.

 Freddie snuck up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder.

 "Would you relax and have fun? It's just some kids. Everything's fine. You're stressing yourself out for nothing."

 "No, I can't relax. There's too much value in this apartment and too many curious five and six year old kids running around putting their fingers on everything. I don't want them in our room, I don't want them in Brody's room and right now I'd prefer they stayed out of Lily and Liam's room. This was a bad idea. We should have had a party at the park or something."

 "Sam, the kids are having fun. Nothing's being broken. Just enjoy the party. Look at it less as work and more as celebrating the fact that six short years ago we were in the hospital, you were screaming at me and threatening to kill me in every way possible, and after much verbal abuse we had two small, beautiful children in our arms."

 "You'd be verbally abusive, too, if you had to go through that much pain."

 "Don't be so grouchy. You know Lily can pick up on a bad mood faster than any other kid in the world and you don't want her to be upset today do you?"

 "No, I'm just nervous."

 "I know, but don't be. There's 12 kids here, including our own, and five adults. We can handle this. We've handled worse before. Besides, we have Abby on our side and she's used to chaos and large groups of children. Remember that. If things get too out of hand she'll help us settle them all down."

"I know."

 "And, if you want, my mom can take the kids back to the hotel with her tonight and we can be alone," he whispered into her ear. Sam bit her tongue, trying not to laugh, and brushed him away.

 "Stop it, there are children here."

 "They can't hear me."

 "Benson," she tried to sound serious, but her emotions were deceiving her and a small smile formed on her face. Freddie laughed.

 "Yes?"

 "Stop it."

 "Alright fine, but at least you aren't so stressed out now."

 "Well I'm about to be all over again because here comes your daughter with that "boyfriend" of hers," Sam sighed.

“Boyfriend?” Freddie backed up as Lily approached him and Sam, her hand placed in the hand of the small boy she was dragging towards them.

“I’ll explain later.” Lily was now standing in front of them; the little boy trying to shy away while Lily firmly held his hand. He wasn’t going anywhere.

 "Mommy, this is Joey. He loves me and we're going to get married okay?"

"I thought you were going to marry daddy."

 "I was but you already did and I like you and daddy being married."

 "I like me and daddy being married too, Lily bug."

 "So, mommy, I need a dollar."

"Why do you need a dollar?"

 "So me and Joey can go get rings, mommy. Duh."

 "But I don't even know Joey, and I'm sure daddy would like to talk to him before you two got married."

 "Okay. Daddy? Can I have a dollar?"

 "Just a minute Lily, let me talk to Joey here," Freddie tried to keep a straight face as he kneeled down so he was at eye level with Joey. Joey backed away a bit, but Lily pulled him back and gave him a look that made Sam laugh. She definitely was her daughter.

 "So, Joey," Freddie cleared his throat, "what are your intentions with my daughter?"

 "I dunno," Joey shrugged, "I dunno what that means, Mr. Lily's dad," he said quietly.

 "What do you plan to do with her?"

 "I dunno. Play on the swings or the sand box. Or play tag, but I don't push her like everyone else."

 "Good to know. Do you love my Lily?"

 "Yeah. She's nice to me."

 "And are you nice to her?"

 "Yeah. I shared my crayons with her at school and then Colton kicked her sand castle so I builded a sand castle for her."

 "Hey," Abby had walked over to them in the time that Freddie was talking to Joey, "the kids are getting really anxious and the party's going to be over in an hour so I thought we could do cake now if you wanted so that we can be done by the time parents start to pick up."

"Saved by the babysitter," Sam laughed, "Yeah, let's do it. Freddie, give Lily a dollar. I'll be right back," she followed Abby into the kitchen and helped her carefully place six candles on each cake. Lily's was purple, her favorite color, with images of lady bugs sprinkled on top. She'd always had a thing for lady bugs. Once, Freddie had killed one in the apartment and she'd cried about it for two days, insisting that they bury it instead of throwing it in the garbage. Liam's cake was green, different toy trucks placed strategically around the edges framing the blue frosting that spelled out 'Happy Birthday Liam' in the center. She picked up Liam's cake and followed Abby to the dining room. Freddie was gathering the kids together, Marissa had walked out of the room with Brody and Lily and Liam were making their way through their crowd of friends to the table to sit down.

 Sam watched them sadly, thinking back to when they weren't so independent and they relied on her for everything; hugs, kisses, laughs, stories…love. They were still so young, but time had tricked her. One day she was staring into the innocent faces of two precious babies that she had carried and brought into the world. Two precious babies that she had admired for hours on end, not able to get over how perfect they were. Two precious babies that were her entire world, that she'd give her life for in a second if she had to. She blinked her eyes and suddenly they were children. Through it all her feelings hadn't changed. Whenever she looked at them, she still felt that rush, as if she were looking at them for the first time. Lily with her hair that grew out so long it hit the center of her back with ease, wavy, like Sam's had been when she was a child, and the exact shade of brown to match her fathers. Her eyes were like pools of chocolate that lit up whenever she was excited, looked almost glass-like when she was upset, and turned dark when she was angry, which was rare. And Liam. Her baby boy. The boy she’d been so happy to have. Six years ago on July 13 she'd looked into the bright blue eyes of her son and fallen in love. She never stopped believing in magic when she looked into his eyes. Whether he was happy, sad, or excited, his eyes were windows to what was in his heart. Those eyes were going to be the source of many a broken heart, Sam was sure of that.

At six years old, Lily and Liam held the world in their hands and didn’t even know it. They could do anything they wanted, be anything they wanted. One day they wouldn’t need her half as much as she needed them and the thought of them being one year older, one year closer to being grown up, hurt more than giving birth to them. It was a new kind of pain, a pain that tore at her heart and made her want to turn back time.

 Freddie nudged her and she noticed she'd missed half of the happy birthday song. Despite being surrounded by people, Lily and Liam were watching her; staring at her with confusion in their eyes. Sam smiled at them, nodding towards their cakes and they happily turned their attention back to the glowing candles. The song finished and together Lily and Liam took a deep breath before blowing out the six candles with every bit of air they could muster. People started clapping, Sam joining them, and Abby and Freddie started cutting up the cake.

"They'll always be your babies you know," she jumped at the sound of Marissa's voice and quickly turned around.

 "I wish. Look at them. What happened to the tiny little people I held that day at the hospital?"

 "They may get older and move on to other things in life, but they'll always know that they have a place to go if they need to."

 "Easy for you to say, Marissa, your baby is all grown up already."

 "That he is. All grown up with a wife and family and living across the country where the only way I can talk to him is over the phone. It never gets easier, Sam, but it doesn't get harder either. It just stays the same. You'll always want to turn back the clock and make them young again but you'll be proud of the people they become."

 "Was it hard for you?"

 "Was what hard?"

 "Was it hard for you to see Freddie growing up? To see him have other interests besides being at home? To see him dating me?"

 "It was very hard to see him grow up. It was hard to look at him knowing that no matter what I did he was going to go out and make his own decisions. And, I'll admit, watching him date you was probably the hardest part of it. I felt like a failure every day. I always figured one day he'd come home from school or iCarly and be broken and there would be no putting him back together again. It was hard enough to do when his dad left, but he fell hard for you. I think the hardest part of all of it was looking into his eyes, telling him all the reasons he shouldn't be with you, and hearing him use three simple words to sum up why I was wrong. I couldn't even argue with him about it. I was never going to change his mind, so I had to have faith that he knew what he was doing."

 "I don't get how that could be the hardest part of it all when he's done a lot more than tell you no."

 "Because that was the first time I realized he wasn't my baby anymore. He was making his own choices, becoming his own person and I didn't fit into that life anymore. He didn't need me like he used to. He didn't need me to help him through things as much as he did before. And from the day I heard him say _'I love her'_ he's been independent. He's made a good life for himself, and I like to think that I played a part in the man he is now, but I still look at him and see my baby. And that's how you will be too. For the rest of your life, whether Lily and Liam and Brody are 2 or 6 or 30, you'll see them as your babies. Because they are. And they'll always need you. When they have a problem they can't fix they'll come running to you. Sure, Freddie will be there for them too, but it will be different. The bond between you and your children can't be broken and they'll always know that as long as you’re alive you'll hold them dear and close to your heart."

“Yeah,” Sam sighed, “I know. I just wish they’d slow down and take a little more time getting to that point. It’s like I blinked and there they were, six years old in a minute.”

“That’s how it feels. But you still have a lot of time before they’re all grown up, Sam. Cherish it, appreciate it, because one day this will be you. You’ll be the grandma standing here at their children’s sixth birthday party telling your story.”

“What are you guys talking about?” Freddie had snuck up to them, catching only the last three words of their conversation. He was carrying to paper plates with two pieces of cake and he handed one to Sam and one to his mom.

“I don’t want any cake,” Sam said.

“Trust me,” Freddie sighed, “you want cake. Unless you want your six year old daughter asking you why you hated her birthday.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“When I went over by Abby Lily started asking me a million questions. Why does mommy look sad? Why isn’t she happy? Is mommy mad at me? Does she not like my birthday? Just one after another after another and she’s watching you right now so eat the cake and smile and at least pretend to not be miserable.”

“Be nice to her, Fredward, she’s having a mommy moment,” Marissa warned.

“I have no idea what that is.”

“I know you don’t and you never will know what it is because you aren’t a mother.”

“Well can she have her mommy moment later—“

“Fredward Benson! You be nice to her, she’s missing her tiny babies right now. Now go check on Liam and make sure he’s not throwing cake at people.” Freddie turned and walked away from them, leaving Sam along with his mom once again.

“He’s right, though, Marissa. Being a mommy is sucking it up and smiling even when you don’t want to,” she smiled at Marissa, “thank you, though. Now let’s eat some cake and party it up!” Sam walked into the dining room and sat in the chair next to Lily’s.

 “Mommy, why are you so sad?” Lily asked.

“I’m not sad, Lily bug. I’m just thinking about how happy you and your brothers make me. So did you like your cake? I told them to put extra ladybugs on it just for you.”

“Yeah!”

“Are you having fun, baby?”

“Yeah, but I want you to have fun too, mommy.”

Sam reached her hand out and put it on Lily’s face “I am, baby. Don’t worry about anything. Mommy and daddy are having fun, grandma’s having fun, Abby’s having fun, your friends and your brother and you are all having fun okay?”

Lily smiled and Sam smiled back at her. It was impossible not to, Lily had the best six year old smile she’d ever seen.

“Mommy, if you don’t want me to get married to Joey I’ll give daddy the dollar back.”

“You are so silly, Lily Grace. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now I know there’s a bunch of presents with your name on them just waiting to be opened in the living room. Why don’t you go in there and sit down with your brother?”

 “Okay mommy,” Lily jumped down from the chair and ran up to Liam. Abby was rounding up the other kids and Marissa had, once again, disappeared to check on Brody. Freddie walked up to Sam and took her hand.

“Let’s have some fun.”

X

“Even though you lost the bet, I’m extremely tired and anxious to hear what Mel’s been keeping from me all day, so will you put the twins to bed and check on Brody?”

“Wait,” Freddie chuckled, “you’re actually asking me to help you?”

“Shut up, Fredwad, leave mama alone.”

“I’m just kidding, baby, and you know it,” he pulled her in, “my mom’s still willing to take them tonight, though, if you want.”

“No,” she snapped, “it’s their birthday and besides, I hate when they’re gone. You know that.”

“Alright,” he kissed the top of her head, “I’ll be back.” Freddie walked down the hall to the twins room and Sam turned around, took a deep breath and walked back into the living room where Melanie and Marissa were standing around, talking. Abby had left shortly after the party.

“So, what’s going on?” Melanie turned around and smiled at Sam.

“Come here, sit on the couch with me.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to actually talk to you, Sam.”

“Mel, I’m tired. I just want to check on the kids and go to bed, not have some long, dragged out conversation with you. No offence.”

“I know, I’m not going to ask you about the weather or anything. Just want you to sit with me. Please Sammy? For me?”

“I hate that,” she mentioned as she sat down. Melanie sat next to her, took a deep breath and smiled.

“First, do you remember that guy I was telling you about?”

“Josh?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, what about him?”

“Well, we’ve been together a long time,” Melanie hinted. Sam rolled her eyes.

“Congrats. What does that have to do with you flying all the way up here?”

“Because, Sam, he asked me to marry him!” Melanie grabbed Sam’s hands as she bounced up and down on the couch.

“Wait,” Sam stared at her for a minute as the words went slowly through her brain before a smile formed on her face and she all but tackled Melanie into the couch, “you’re getting married?” she screamed. Melanie laughed and nodded her head.

“Mel! This is awesome! You’re—“

“Sam!” she turned and saw Freddie standing at the end of the hall, “keep it down? Liam just fell asleep and you almost woke Brody up.”

“Mel’s getting married!”

Freddie smiled and relaxed his posture, “That’s awesome. To Josh, right?”

“Yeah,” Mel looked down at her hands. Sam couldn’t believe she’d missed the ring entirely. She had been so preoccupied with the party and the kids that she didn’t think that Mel would really be telling her something that important, “in two years. May 22.”

“May?” Sam asked. Melanie nodded again.

“Yeah. I mean, I know Brody’s birthday is in May and everything but it’s just perfect for us.”

“His birthday isn’t until the end of May. We could probably make it work, maybe even have his birthday down in Florida or something. He’d have tons of fun. Besides, we’ve been talking about bringing the kids to Disney World anyway so it works out for everyone.”

“Well, mostly. There’s one more thing I have to tell you,” Melanie looked nervous, like whatever news she had next would make Sam hate her and that made her nervous.

“You’re not going to tell me that you flew mom over here or anything are you?”

“Oh God no, I haven’t talked to her since Cassie’s funeral. Pretty tasteless not to come.”

“I didn’t invite her.”

“It’s all the same, Sam, that was her granddaughter and she didn’t even bother fighting for the right to go to her funeral.”

“Just because she’s our mom doesn’t mean she’s Cassie’s or Lily’s or Liam’s or Brody’s grandmother.”

“I know that,” Melanie looked down at her hands again, “and I totally agree. Just because she’s our mom doesn’t make her a grandmother to your kids…or to mine.”

“So what else do you have to tell me? Mama’s tired.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Alright, so let’s stop dragging this out and—“

“Sam—“

“Oh my God! Melanie! You and Josh are…”

Melanie smiled again, “Yes. We just found out two weeks ago and trust me, I almost died not being able to tell you but he told me to wait until I was here in person.”

“Wait, he’s not just marrying you because you’re knocked up right?”

“No, Sam, it’s not like that. He asked me before we even found out.”

“Oh my God,” Sam mumbled, “finally! Someone else is having babies!”

“Just one, as far as we know.”

“Mel! This is awesome! Congratulations! Welcome to the wonderfully scary world of motherhood!”

“Thank you! I’m really excited. Josh cried when I told him.”

“Great, you’re marrying a nerd.”

“You married a nerd,” Melanie pointed out.

“Hey,” Sam thought for a minute, “I don’t have anything to say to that except yes I did, and he reminds me every single day that once a nerd, always a nerd is still true in this century.”

Melanie laughed, “Alright, well I’m going back to my hotel. Get some sleep old lady. You’re on mommy and auntie duty now.”

“I may just fall asleep right here on the couch.”

“I doubt Freddie would let you do that,” Melanie said as she stood up. Sam shrugged and stood up with her.

“You’re probably right,” she hugged Melanie, “I’m so happy for you, Mel.”

“I’m happy too.”

“Good. Drive safe and lock the hotel door. Too many weirdo’s in New York.”

“Goodnight, Sam,” Melanie headed out the door.

“Night, Mel!” Sam turned back and looked at Freddie, who was still standing in the doorway.

“You know,” he sighed, “I’m not nearly as nerdy as I used to be,” he smiled. Sam rolled her eyes, shaking her head.

“Please. Once a nub, always a nub. Now let’s go to bed. Mama’s exhausted.”

Freddie followed Sam into their bedroom, shut off the light and both fell into a peaceful slumber.


	8. Seven Years Old

Sam sighed and opened the box of valentines in front of her. This was enough to make her hate Valentine’s Day. Every year since the twins started school she and Freddie sat at the table, each armed with a list of children and a box of Valentine’s day cards; wishing they could skip the holiday altogether. Lily and Liam had been assigned to Brody duty  but two seven year olds wouldn’t be able to keep a one year old entertained for long.

“Mom! Brody’s trying to eat the remote!” Sam groaned and closed her eyes.

“Then take it away from him, Liam!”

“He won’t give me it!” Sam stood up and walked into the living room, taking the remote from Brody and picking him up.

“Just go in your room and find something to do, please, so mommy and daddy can do your valentines.”

“Why can’t we do them?” Lily asked.

“Because you guys took too long picking them out at the store and they need to be done tonight. Please just go play.” Sam dropped the remote on the couch and brought Brody back into the dining room. Placing him in his high chair, she sat back down to the mess of cards sitting on the table.

“Hey,” Freddie said quietly. Sam looked up.

“Hey, what?”

“Take it easy. This isn’t that bad. We’ll be done in ten minutes.”

“I know, I just think people make a big deal out of nothing. Everyone gets crazy on Valentine’s Day. I mean, come on. It’s just a holiday.”

“No it’s not. It’s a day where people can show how much they love and appreciate the person they’re with. It’s not just another holiday.”

“I can show you I love and appreciate you any day of the year,” she smiled. Freddie laughed.

“That you can. So what are we doing tomorrow?”

“You have to work.”

“True, but we can go out to dinner or something tomorrow night.”

“I don’t care.”

“Sam--”

“As long as I don’t have to plan anything we can do whatever you want.”

“Good,” he laughed. “That’s just what I was hoping to hear.”

X

Sam woke up the next morning with the sunlight streaming onto her face. She glanced at the clock on the night stand and quickly jumped out of bed and ran to the twin’s room. She didn’t understand how she had slept so late, and now the twins were going to be late for school. She threw the door open and found the room empty, her heartbeat was all she could hear through the quiet. She turned quickly and went to Brody’s room. She looked around the room, throwing things off of the shelves thinking he would be hiding somewhere. It was impossible. There was no way the three of them could be gone. She played back the previous night in her head. Had she locked the door? Had she made sure all the curtains were closed? Her stomach was turning and the longer she stood there, trying to figure out some logical explanation, the worse the feeling got.

“Lily? Liam? Where are you guys this isn’t funny!” She ran into the living room, throwing the cushions off of the furniture and all but tipping the coffee table over. She stood up again, looking around.

“Lily Grace Benson, I swear if you and your brothers are hiding in this apartment you better come out right now before I ground you!”

 More silence.

“Lily! Liam! I’m counting to five and if you don’t—“

Her eyes landed on a box sitting on the end table, a plain white piece of paper stuck to the top. Her stomach dropped and she felt like the whole room was closing in around her. It was like every movie she’d seen; kids missing and notes put out in plain sight. She slowly walked over to the end table, afraid to read just what the note would say. She picked it up and stared at it for a long time.

_Para mi bella esposa, en san Valentin._

“You really should have a little more faith in me, Sam.” She jumped at the sound of Freddie’s voice and turned around.

“What are you doing here and where are the kids? You told me you had to work.”

“I had to. Otherwise the surprise would be ruined. Although I probably should have told you that Abby would be taking the kids in the morning so you wouldn’t have to run around in a panic.”

“This is not how to—“

“Just open the box.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s Valentine’s Day and I have a lot planned so the sooner you open that box the sooner we can start.”

“I’d rather—“

“Hey. You said we could do whatever I wanted and I know you’re going to love it. So open the box. Let’s go.”

She opened up the box and stared down at a key. She rolled her eyes and took the key out.

“All this hassle for a key?”

“Just wait. Go get ready and we’ll go to the next spot.”

“Fine.” She set the key on the table and walked into their room.

“Quickly Mrs. Benson. The clock is ticking,” Freddie laughed. Sam groaned.

“I’m going!”

Twenty minutes later they were in the car just driving around New York. Every few minutes Freddie looked over at Sam who kept twirling the key in her hand. She had never liked surprises and today was no different. She kept up with a routine; twirling the key, staring out the window, letting out a sigh and asking the same question over and over.

“Where are we going?”

Freddie laughed.  She’d asked fifteen times in the last ten minutes; he was keeping count. He knew it would end up like this and he was going to enjoy it before she turned on him, called him a sap and gave him the butterflies he felt every time he saw her smile.

“You’ll see. Be patient mi amor.”

Sam looked back out the window and smiled. “You and your Spanish.”

“You love my Spanish. It always makes you happy.” He took her hand.

“Sometimes.”

“Always.”

“Where the hell are we going, Freddie?”

“Just wait. We’ll be there in a minute.”

“How long have you been planning this?”

  1. “Long enough.”  



“You’re crazy.”

“Not quite.”

Freddie turned the corner and pulled up in front of a hotel. He dropped her hand as she looked out the window, back at him and then out the window again.

“Why are we at a hotel?”

“Because that’s where the key leads. Come on.” Freddie got out of the car and ran around to the other side to open the door for Sam. She got out slowly, looking between him and the hotel again.

“This is insane,” she laughed. Freddie kissed her forehead.

“Trust me. This is the least insane of all the things we’re doing today. Let’s go inside.” He took her hand and led her through the door. Sam looked around the lobby, admiring the art that hung on the walls, the lighting that made the whole room shine and the way that everything had a place and it all fit perfectly. Freddie guided her to the desk where a young girl, with long, brown hair was standing, smiling at the two of them, her hands placed on the counter in front of her.

“Hello again, Mr. Benson.”

“Hey Lizzie. This is my wife, Sam.”

“Hi Sam! It’s nice to meet you. You’ve got quite a husband here.”

“Yeah, I know. He manages to find a way to keep me guessing.”

“Alright, well why don’t you hand me the key and I’ll unlock your box for you.” Sam placed the key on the counter and looked at Freddie again. He smiled and squeezed her hand. She thought of different ways she could make him tell her what he was doing, but he just kept smiling and soon Lizzie returned with another little box.

_Los sueños se hacen realidad_

“Freddie what—“

  1. “I’m not telling you what’s in it. You’ll have to open the box to find out.”  



Sam picked up the box and stared down at it for a minute. She looked back up at Freddie and he nodded. She took the lid off the box and turned back to Freddie.

“It’s empty.”

“Yes.”

“We came all the way out here for an empty box?”

“It’s all part of the plan. Ready to go?”

“Go where?”

“To the next spot.”

“Will there be more empty boxes?”

“Sam…”

“Alright, alright,” she sighed. “Let’s go.”

“Thanks Lizzie.” Freddie said as they walked out the front door of the hotel.

“What’s all this about, Freddie? Is it because I said Valentine’s Day is just another holiday? Because—“ he cut her off by pressing his lips to hers. After a few seconds he pulled away.

“You’ll see why I’m doing this. For now just enjoy it. Are you hungry?”

“I’m starving.”

“Alright, let’s go eat.” He opened the door for her again and she smiled.

“You are such a nub.”

“But you love me.”

“Yeah…I do.” She turned and got in the car and he shut the door behind her. He got in the car, started it and pulled away from the hotel.

“Okay close your eyes.” Sam looked over at Freddie and folded her arms.

“No.”

  1. “Come on, don’t spoil it. I want it to be a surprise.”  



“I’m just kidding baby. But you could at least tell me where you’re bringing me.”

“That defeats the purpose. Just close your eyes.”

“Fine,” she sighed, her eyes closing.

“You’re going to love this.”

“It’s so loud. Where are we? Seriously.”

“Just a minute.”

He pulled into a parking garage and, once again, ran around the car to open the door for Sam.

“Am I allowed to see where I’m going now?”

“Yes.”

“You do realize we’re 32 years old right?”

“So?”

“So I haven’t seen you act like this since we got married. I thought you were just as happy as I was just sitting at the apartment kid free.”

“I am, but this is so much better. What? You getting too old to have fun or something?”

“This is fun?”

“It would be if you’d enjoy it,” he smiled. “Live a little.” He took her hand again and together they walked out of the parking garage. Sam stopped on the sidewalk and looked around, lost in the sights and sounds of her favorite place on earth.

"Freddie--"

"Welcome to Time Square, also known as the lovers destination. If you look to your right, you'll see a bunch of stuff and if you look to your left...well you get the point."

"This is..."

"I hope the next word out of your mouth is something like amazing, awesome, the best thing in the entire world."

"Insane." Sam continued to look around, surprised that within the crowd of people she'd never once been touched by anyone else. Last time they’d been here was before she had Brody, and at that time it seemed everyone was bumping into her. She stopped when she noticed Freddie's face, a mixture of disappointment and fear, a small frown replacing the smile that had been plastered there nearly all day.

"In a good way, baby.” His frown disappeared as quickly as it had come and Freddie's face lit up again.

"So, let's go eat and then you can go shopping"

"I hate shopping."

"But this is Times Square shopping, Sam."

"I just," she looked around again, "I can't believe you actually brought me here!"

"You've always loved coming here."

He was finally getting the reaction he wanted from her; smiling, happy, almost childlike. He hoped it stayed that way. He'd spent months putting it all together, planning every minute of the day. He'd even enlisted the help of his mom, Carly and Abby to make sure everything went smoothly. He snaked his arm around Sam and kissed her temple before moving his lips down to her ear.

"Alright, sweetheart. Where do you wanna go?"

X

It was 5:20 and the clock was ticking. He had ten minutes to reveal his next big surprise and although they'd talked about it hundreds of times; what they’d like to do if they ever renewed their vows, they’d never gone into details about it or made an attempt to plan it.  Sam was standing, her hand in Freddie’s, and looking around, the smile still lighting up her face, even though they'd been in Time Square for hours. She'd told him more than once that she was going to build a house right in the middle and never leave. He looked up at the famous Red Steps where, in just a few short minutes, he’d be promising his life to Sam once again. Father Jorel, the priest he'd met earlier who was running the whole thing, was standing at the top. Freddie watched as couples made their way up the steps to stand in front of him. If he wanted to get his own speech in, he had to do it now.

"Hey Sam?"

"Yeah?"

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course.”

Freddie turned to her and took her other hand. He took a deep breath and ran through the entire speech in his head before opening his mouth. "At 19 years old I stood at the front of a church, looked at the most beautiful and amazing girl I'd ever met and wondering how I got so lucky. Things change in our lives; people come and go, surroundings change and sometimes the most unexpected of circumstances sneak up and change your whole world, but one thing hasn't changed. I still wake up in the morning, look at you and feel like the luckiest man on the planet because I have you.” He traced a finger over her hand, looking into her smiling face. “You love me unconditionally, and no matter what we’ve been through, no matter how hard it’s gotten, I’ve never doubted that love. Being with you is a rush; I never know what you're going to do or say – you make every day an adventure. When we got married people thought we were crazy, that we were rushing into something that was destined to fail. But here we are, you and me against the world. We've been through so much, Sam, both good and bad and having you by my side through the times I thought the world might end was the best gift God could give me. I can't say we've had a perfect life, but we've had a damn good one and I wouldn't trade my life with you for anything. Thirteen years ago I stood in front of a priest and all our family and friends and promised to love you and cherish you for the rest of eternity and now I want to do it again. I don't need a church or flowers or a tux. All I need is you. And I figure if I can stand in front of my mom, in front of Spencer and Carly and everyone we know and commit my life and love to you then I can stand here, in Time Square, in front of strangers and do it again. You are more amazing than you'll ever believe and you make me who I am. Most people wait until their 25 year anniversary to do this, but I figured we're in New York, in Time Square on Valentine's Day and there's no better time or place to renew our vows than right here, right now."

Sam’s mouth dropped and the few seconds Freddie waited for her to respond felt like an eternity.

“Wait. Right now? Like—“

“Right here, right now.”

“You’re serious?”

“Yes.”

"What about the kids? I thought when we renewed our vows we were going to have them there."

"The kids are here too. Abby's got them.” Freddie pointed across the crowd, “They're standing over there. They have no idea what we're about to do, all they know is that mommy and daddy are going to be doing something special."

"You planned all this?"

"Yes."

"Freddie," Sam looked around, stopping when her eyes found Lily, Liam and Brody, "I can’t believe this!"

“Believe it. So, Samantha Benson, will you stand on those steps with me in front of New York and the world and promise, again, to spend forever with me?”

“Of course!”

"I’m glad. Oh and I have one more thing for you.”

"What?"

Freddie pulled an envelope out of his jacket pocket and handed it to Sam. On the front was more Spanish.

_Cuando la realidad y la fantasia se unen_

"When fantasy and reality collide? What does that mean?"

"Open the envelope."

Sam obeyed and stared at the contents.

"When I met you, I always knew I had to have you. The day we started dating was the day my fantasy collided with reality. You've always talked about how awesome it would be to go to Wicked, and the last time I tried to take you Liam got sick and we couldn’t go. This time I can promise you that there’s not a single thing that’s going to stop me from taking you to see it."

"Oh my God! We're seriously going?"

"Of course."

"Freddie--"

 "Sam, when you're happy, I'm happy," he smiled, "mi vida esta completa."

 "I love you."

 "I love you too. So, let’s start this crazy adventure.”

 "Yes!" they walked up the steps and turned to the priest.

 "Hello couples. Shall we begin?" nods and mumbled yes's surrounded them. Sam and Freddie looked at each other again, both smiling and speaking in a way that nobody else could hear. They'd become good at that, just sharing each other's thoughts, and it always came in handy when they were around others, "today we gather in Time Square, the lover's destination as it's been called, to renew the vows between each man and wife standing before me. In the presence of family, friends and strangers, each man and woman standing here has chosen to renew the promises they've made to each other. If you will, please turn to your partner and take their hands." the priest waited as each couple turned and looked at each other, hands pressed into their partners. "Men, please state your partner's name."

 "Sam," Freddie smiled.

 "And repeat after me. I stand once again before you."

 "I stand once again before you."

 "To renew our vows of marriage."

 "To renew our vows of marriage."

 "I promise to remain strong in my love."

 "I promise to remain strong in my love."

 "Gentle in my care."

 "Gentle in my care."

 "And unwavering in my trust."

 "And unwavering in my trust."

 "In the name of all we have created together."

 "In the name of all we have created together."

 "And all we are yet to become."

 "And all we are yet to become."

 "I offer you my hand and my heart."

 "I offer you my hand and my heart."

 "As your partner, your lover, and your friend."

 "As your partner, your lover, and you're friend."

 "Okay ladies, please state the name of your partner."

 "Freddie."

 "And repeat after me. I stand once again before you."

 Freddie watched Sam. It almost seemed unreal, that they were standing together again, making promises again and feeling like everything else just faded away. It seemed unreal that thirteen years had passed but how he felt about her had never changed. Whether he was mad or hurt or happy; those feelings just stayed the same. A lot of people had told him that it would pass, that what he felt for Sam was infatuation and not love but he'd proved them wrong and every day he got to wake up next to her, every night he got to fall asleep next to her and every thought he had somehow led back to her. He'd always believed in love, even when she hadn't, but he had no idea how much it would change him and his whole view of life. He was only half of a whole, and the whole was him and Sam together.

 Sam kissed him then, half pulling him out of his trance, half shoving him right back into it. His arms instinctively went around her waist, pulling her closer to him and he felt her smile, her arms wrapping around his neck. He didn't know how long they stayed like that, but he didn't care. This was where she belonged; with him, in his arms. It's where she fit perfectly and where she would always have a place.

 She pulled away sooner than he wanted and turned just in time to catch Liam, who'd ran up to them and jumped at Sam.

 "Mommy, you look pretty."

 "Thank you."

 "But kissing is yucky."

 "Sometimes it's yucky," she smiled as Liam hugged her. Freddie watched as Lily came up the steps and Abby carried Brody.

 "Hello little lady, how was school?" he asked Lily. Lily frowned and looked at the ground.

 "These kids were mean to me."

 "Why?"

 "Because I'm little."

 "You're the perfect size to me, Lily bug." he messed up her hair and she laughed.

 "Daddy!"

 "Are you behaving for Abby?"

 "Yeah. Well, Brody keeps pulling her hair."

 "That's not very nice of him."

 "That's what I told him but I don't think he listened."

 "Well why don't you go with your brothers and Abby and keep them company. Mommy and I will be home later."

 "I miss you."

 "I miss you too, princess. Be a good girl and don't let those mean kids bother you."

 "Okay daddy." Sam put Liam down on the steps and both he and Lily followed Abby down to the main area. Freddie turned back to Sam.

 "Let's go get some dinner."

 X

 "So," Freddie wrapped his arms around Sam, who was lying in bed, and leaned close to her ear. "Was today worth the surprise?"

 "Very," she mumbled.

 "Good."

 "I still can't believe you planned it all. I mean, I knew you were going to do something ridiculous I just didn't expect it to be like that."

 "Well, it's been nagging at me ever since Brody was born. I felt like I needed to do something to prove to you that you still mean everything to me and then I heard about the vow renewal in Time Square and I knew you loved Broadway and that you'd never go there yourself and it just fit. Besides, Valentine's Day is a perfect excuse to do things you normally wouldn't."

 "It is."

 "I love you, Sam."

 "I love you too. Now come here.”

X

 Lily sat on a swing; not moving or waiting for anybody, just sitting. She kicked her foot back and forth, barely touching the ground beneath her and watching her shoe make contact with the snow every time she kicked her leg back up. She used to love school, but the older she got the more the teasing bothered her and she hated walking through the doors of the building or onto the snow covered woodchips that held the playground equipment. Her mom had told her not to let it get to her, that she was a big girl no matter what anybody else said, but the other kids had just laughed at her when she told them that and the teasing had gotten worse.

 There were bigger kids who had taken a liking to her and whenever they were around she was safe, but during school and at morning recess she was alone. She didn't even have Liam to stand up for her. She'd been good about not crying so far, but every new day and mean word pushed her further and further into the sadness she was feeling. She had one friend, her best friend, in her class with her but the rest had been sorted out and sent to different teachers.

 "Those swings are only for big kids." She heard the always taunting voice of the meanest girl in her class. Bridget Peppers.

"Leave me alone," she mumbled. She heard the laughter of Bridget's friends and then the sound of snow crunching under a pair of boots. Bridget stopped just inches from Lily.

 "Get off. We want to play here and you're too little for them."

 "I am not!"

 "Yeah you are! Now get off!"

 "No!"

 "Yes!"

 "You can't make me!"

 "Yeah I can!"

 "No you can't!"

 Bridget took another step forward and pushed Lily off the swing. She laughed as Lily hit the snow, her arms going behind her to try to catch herself. Bridget walked around the swing and looked at Lily.

 "I told you I could," she snickered. Lily bit back the tears and stood up.

 "That was mean!"

 "So?"

 "I'm gonna tell Miss Hamilton on you!"

 "I don't care!" Bridget pushed her again, but Lily caught her balance before she fell over. She took a step towards Bridget and, despite being at least four inches shorter, looked up into Bridget’s eyes, hoping her confidence overshadowed her fear.

 "Leave me alone," she demanded cooly. Bridget laughed again.

 "Go play with the babies. You're just like them."

 "No I'm not! I'm not a baby!"

Bridget and her friends laughed again and formed a circle around Lily.

"I'm not a baby," she repeated.

"You look like a baby to me," Bridget taunted, pushing Lily into Hannah, the second meanest girl in her class. Hannah laughed, exposing the gap where her two front teeth used to be, and pushed Lily straight into Bridget.

"Stop it!"

"Are you gonna cry baby?"

"I'm not a baby!" Bridget pushed her again.

"Are you gonna run home and tell your mommy?"

"Leave me alone!"

"Wah wah wah! Lily's a baby!"

"I am not!" Hannah pushed Lily into the snow and laughed. Despite all the effort she made, a single tear slipped from her eye.

"See? You are a baby!" the group of girls laughed again and started kicking the snow at Lily.

"Come on guys, let's go. We don't wanna be around a baby," Bridget said, leading the girls away from Lily. Lily stood up and brushed the snow off of her pants. She wiped the tears off her face and walked back towards the building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my serious note: bullying is very serious and should be taken seriously by everyone. It's not a joke or just for fun. Bullying is no longer just kids picking on other kids at school or at a park, it's moved to the internet, to cell phones, to wherever. I hope everyone who reads my work realizes just how serious bullying can affect people. People have committed suicide because of bullying. I think more than bullying, the thing that bothers me most is when people say stuff like 'he/she was so stupid, it couldn't have been that bad. They're just looking for attention' when someone hurts or kills themselves because of the torture they have to go through every day. It is that bad to them. Could you imagine waking up and not wanting to go to school because people constantly want to pick on you and make your life miserable? I had a friend who got bullied every single day my Freshman year of high school and I saw just how painful it was for her. It gets bad, guys. But you can make it better. Stand up for victims of bullying, even if you don't know them. Tell a teacher, tell a principal. Do SOMETHING. Don't just stand by and let it happen. You have no idea what one act of kindness can do.
> 
> Translations:   
> Para mi bella esposa, en san Valentin.  
> {not 100% sure cuz I’m dumb} For my beautiful wife, Happy Valentine’s Day?   
> Los sueños se hacen realidad  
> Dreams come true  
> mi vida esta complete  
> My life is complete
> 
> Thanks Mels!


	9. Eight Years Old

Three days. That’s how long they had until the chaos around the apartment was resolved in the form of a nice vacation. Only three days. 72 hours. All Sam had to do was remember that and keep repeating it in her head.

Freddie had gone to the store, the twins were fighting and Brody was somewhere in the apartment screaming. Sam was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter trying not to join him. She felt like every day was like this lately. Between packing suitcases, checking details a hundred times and taking care of her three kids she barely had time to think.

“Mom!”

Sam sighed, shaking the thoughts from her head. “Mom’s not here,” she answered as Lily came stomping into the kitchen, Liam following behind her.

“Liam hid Mr. Scruffy!”

“Liam—“

“I didn’t take him or hide him! She lost him!”

“No I didn’t! He was on my bed when we got home from school!”

“I didn’t touch your dumb bear!”

“He’s not dumb!”

“Will you both just be quiet?” Sam could feel the headache coming on and she still had to find Brody.

“Tell him to give Mr. Scruffy back!”

“I didn’t take him, stupid!”

“Liam—“ she felt like she couldn’t get a word in. They were only 8, but they could yell nearly as loud as she could.

“Yeah you did! I know you did!”

“Prove it!”

“Mom!”

“Be quiet!” Lily and Liam looked at her. Sam didn’t yell often. In the last eight years she’d only raised her voice a handful of times, but today all her typical parenting techniques were going straight out the window. “Liam, I never want to hear you call someone stupid again. Got it? You know you’re not supposed to do that. If I hear it out of your mouth again you’ll be a very bored kid sitting in an empty room. And if you took her bear give it back.”

“I didn’t take her bear!”

“You better not be lying to me, Liam Andrew Benson.”

“I’m not lying! She lost him!”

“Fine. Both of you stop arguing and find something to do.” She shooed them away and then started walking around the apartment.

“Brody? Where are you?” she walked into her room, where the crying seemed to be the loudest, and found Brody standing in the closet, his face buried into one of Freddie’s shirts.

“Aw Brody,” Sam kneeled down and held her arms open. “Come here baby.” Brody turned, quiet for a moment, before returning to using Freddie’s shirt as a snot rag. Sam put her arms down and stared at the ceiling.

“Daddy will be home soon, Brody. Come on. Are you hungry? Do you want a snack?” Brody’s screams got louder and Sam was starting to feel helpless. She heard the door slam and quickly turned her head to look at the doorway. On a normal day, she’d go off in a second if anyone slammed the door, but today it was a welcome sound, especially mixed with the sound of Freddie’s voice.

“What’s going on in this apartment?” she heard him before she saw him, and although the question could have been directed at either of the twins, she knew it was meant for her.

“Your kids.”

“My kids now?”

“Yes. Your kids. Lily and Liam have been fighting since you left, Brody’s standing around in the closet looking for you and he’ll barely let me hold him because I’m _not_ you. God forbid daddy leave for more than fifteen seconds.”

“Sam—“

“And to top it all off somewhere in this mess I lost my phone and I couldn’t even call and tell you to get your butt home so I could get away from all this screaming.”

“I’m sorry, Sam. Why don’t you lie down for a little bit? I’ll keep them quiet.” Freddie walked straight to the closet and picked Brody up. His cries stopped immediately and he laid his head on Freddie’s shoulder.

“Good luck with that one. Lily’s convinced that Liam took her teddy bear and hid it on her.”

“Did he?”

“He says he didn’t but who knows? You know Liam.”

“Yeah, I know he learned how to lie from his mother.”

“Oh, and put that shirt in the dirty clothes. Brody’s been in there a while. None of them would be quiet.”

“Okay.” He pulled the shirt from the closet and threw it into the basket. He pulled Sam up from the floor and kissed her forehead, “Rest. Take a break. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Freddie walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him. He could hear Lily and Liam arguing in their room. He could understand now why Sam wanted to run away. Lately it seemed like all the two of them did was argue, and that mixed with a near two year old running around was a challenge they’d never prepared for. Freddie started to set Brody down and he immediately started crying. Freddie stood up again, adjusting Brody in his arms and rubbing his back.

“Okay, okay. Fine. You can come help me with your sister and brother.” He walked down the hall towards the twin’s room, the screaming getting louder. He debated turning around and letting them hash it out on their own, but five more minutes of this and Sam would lose it.

“Hey guys, what’s the problem here?” the twins turned to him and both started speaking at once. Freddie sighed.

“Stop trying to talk over each other. Lily, what’s going on?”

“He took Mr. Scruffy and he won’t tell me where he is!”

“You don’t need to yell, Lily, I’m right here.”

“I didn’t take your stupid bear! I already said that!” Liam yelled. Freddie rolled his eyes.

“Liam. I just said not to--”

“Where’s mom?” Liam asked.

“She’s sleeping. Leave her alone. Did you take her bear, Liam?”

“No!”

“Liam—“

“I didn’t take her dumb bear!”

“Look at me.”

Liam folded his arms and stared Freddie right in the eye. Freddie could see the anger in his eyes. He looked just like Sam when he was angry. His eyes got darker, a deep shade of blue, and they were glassy as if he were shutting out everything else and focusing just on the flame inside his body.

“I. Didn’t. Take. Her. Stupid. Bear.”

“Stop the attitude now.”

“Whatever.” Liam stepped past him out the door.

“Don’t bother your mother, Liam!” Freddie called out the door. He turned back to Lily.

“Where’s your bear?”

“I don’t know! Liam took him!”

“Lily…”

“I don’t know, daddy,” she started to cry and Freddie started to feel guilty, as if he was the reason she was upset. Lily had had the bear since the day she was born and it was the one thing she refused to give up.

“Come on, baby girl. It has to be in the apartment somewhere.”

“Liam took him.”

“No he didn’t, Lily bug. He’s not that mean. He knows how much Mr. Scruffy means to you. Check under your bed and in your suitcase. Maybe you packed him. I’m going to put Brody down. Don’t go fighting with Liam again.”

“Okay,” she sniffled. Freddie turned and walked into the room next door. Brody was already asleep and only woke up for a few seconds as Freddie laid him in his bed. His eyes closed as quickly as they opened. He slowly walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

Florida was looking better and better every day.

X

He heard the familiar buzzing of his alarm going off and as much as he wanted to roll over, turn it off and go back to sleep he knew that any attempt to do so would end in chaos. Today everything had to go right; everything had to be on schedule, because they had a plane to catch and an entire week in sunny Florida to look forward to. He shut his alarm off and sat up in bed, glancing at Sam. He put a hand on her arm and leaned over to her ear.

"Come on, baby. It's time to get up."

Sam yawned and rolled over so she was facing him. Her eyes were still closed and he wondered if she was really still asleep or just ignoring him. He shook her.

"Come on, we have to get the kids ready and get going. Remember the schedule, Sam."

"Screw your schedule," she mumbled. "It's too early to be awake."

"Sam--"

“Leave me alone.”

“Come on, Sam. Get up.”

"Fine." she sat up and rubbed her hands over her face. "But be warned, Benson. Mama doesn't like getting up at 3:30 in the morning."

"I don't either, I'd rather sleep in when I don't have to work but we have a lot to do today and you know it's going to take at least 20 minutes to get Liam out of bed." Liam was like a mini teenager. He hated getting up before 11:00 and the way he talked to them sometimes made them shudder. Despite their best efforts to discipline him, Liam was set in his ways and nothing they'd done so far had made a difference.

“Not if you know how to do it. Let me handle it. You go get Brody ready.” Sam walked out of the room and Freddie slowly stood up. If they weren't going to Florida, if they weren't going to see Melanie, if they weren't taking the kids to Disney World, he would just pretend he didn't hear the alarm and spend as much time as possible in bed. He was always tired lately; between getting up at 4:30 in the morning, coming home to the kids, and not going back to sleep until nearly 11:00 he was surprised he was able to function. He figured having three kids who, at one point in time, were babies that never slept had prepared him for it and that was why he was so used to it.

He walked out of the room and down the hall to Brody's room. He stood in the doorway a minute, just watching his nearly two year old son sleep. Brody slept the same way Freddie did, with one arm above his head and the other laying across his stomach. A few weeks ago they'd transferred Brody from a crib to a toddler bed and he'd adjusted well, but now that Freddie was watching him sleep in it was as if he'd missed a lot of time with him. He wondered if this was what it was like for Sam, watching her babies grow up. It felt like only weeks ago they'd brought Brody home, and now he was talking and running around, getting into things and keeping them on their toes.

Freddie walked over to the bed and kneeled next to it. He pushed Brody's hair out of his face and smiled as he opened his eyes. He was a light sleeper, just like Freddie, and the slightest movement or noise would wake him up. It had been a nightmare when he was a baby, especially when the twins put up a fight at bed time, but now he usually just woke up quietly and looked around.

"Good morning, Brody. Are you ready to go to Florida?" Brody smiled at him and held his arms up for Freddie to pick him up. Freddie scooped Brody up into his arms and hugged him tight.

It was impossible for Freddie to look at Brody and not love him; he had figured that out the day he was born. Sam had accused him of playing favorites, which Freddie had laughed off. He loved all his kids equally, would do anything for any of them, but he knew that there was something about Brody that drew him in. Maybe it was how similar they were. Maybe it was the fact that, unlike the twins, he’d been Brody’s clearly favored parent from the beginning. Whatever it was, he never wanted it to change.

Freddie set Brody on the floor. He and Sam had decided that they would make an attempt at potty training after they came home from Florida and it was the one thing he wasn't looking forward to with Brody. Teaching Lily had been easy, teaching Liam had been nearly impossible. Nothing they tried worked and if Brody was anything like his big brother they'd be in for an adventure. Freddie pulled out the outfit Sam had chosen for Brody to wear today. It was her favorite and she said that anytime he was in it everyone stared. Freddie had argued that they didn't have time for people to be staring at their kids and that none of them needed a designated outfit to get on an airplane, and he had lost. When Sam was set on something there was no talking her out of it.

Freddie changed and dressed Brody quickly, noticing that his eyes were already closing again. Even though waking Brody up was easy, keeping him awake was next to impossible, and he didn't want a cranky toddler on an airplane. He picked Brody up again, balancing him in one arm and the bag they'd packed for him in the other. He could hear the twins fighting already and he knew that Sam was close to joining in the yelling. He stepped in the bathroom doorway, where they were standing in front of the sink, toothbrushes in hand, pushing each other back and forth.

"Lily you always hog everything!"

"No I don't! I'm not even that big!"

"Enough with the fighting, you two have been going at it like this for a week. Brody's sleeping and if you wake him up you're both going to be in trouble. Brush your teeth and get dressed so we can get going."

"How come Brody gets to sleep?"

"Because Brody's not eight years old now come on. Hurry up." he walked into the living room, where Sam was laying on the couch with her eyes closed.

"Sam, I thought we were supposed to be a team today."

"We are a team."

"Then why are you falling asleep on the couch?"

"I'm not. I'm pretending I don't have eight year old twins."

"Well can you come back to reality and get dressed? We have 90 minutes to get ready and get to the airport and the way things are going right now it's going to take us two hours to get anything done."

"You’re making a big deal out of nothing. It will only take ten minutes to get the kids and the bags loaded into the car. Here, hand Brody over and you can go get dressed. We’ll take a nap.

“Sam!"

“What?”

“Get up. Come on. I’m sick of arguing with you.”

"I'm tired," she groaned. Freddie rolled his eyes.

"We're all tired, Sam. Come on. You're acting worse than Lily and Liam."

"Well maybe it's because you planned out every last minute of today and left no room for people to breathe,” she complained as she sat up.

"Sam, we're supposed to be the adults here. Now go get dressed."

"Yeah I'm an adult whose husband tells her what to do," she mumbled as she walked away. Freddie rolled his eyes and placed Brody down on the couch. Brody's eyes opened for a split second and Freddie kissed his forehead.

"Daddy will be right back baby boy. Just go back to sleep." Freddie followed Sam into their room.

"Why are you fighting me on everything?" he asked her.

"Who's picking a fight right now?"

"You are!"

"No! This whole thing is stupid! We didn't have to get up at 3:30 in the morning and wake the kids up at 3:30 in the morning! We don't have to organize everything into the car by size and weight! We don't have to have some stupid checklist of all the things we needed to pack! Freddie, we aren't idiots. I'm pretty sure between the two of us we could have managed to have everything ready in an hour or less including our kids, but you just had to have everyone up an hour early so excuse me if I'm not Miss Mary freakin’ Sunshine!"

"Sam, I just wanted everything to go smoothly today."

"I know, Freddie. I just think you went overboard. I'm tired, the kids are tired and right now I don't care about a schedule. I don’t care if we get to the airport exactly at 5:00. All I care about is making sure we have everything and we’re actually ready to go. This whole schedule thing is just ridiculous. We’re going to forget something. Everything can't go smoothly with eight year old twins and a toddler."

"Look, I’m sorry. I just don’t want anything to go wrong. I know it’s early and getting everything ready and getting everyone out the door is difficult but you’re making it even harder by ignoring me and the kids.”

"I'm sorry."

“It’s fine. I get it. So, let's get this done and get going okay?"

"No stupid family meeting, Freddie. Wait until we're at the airport to lecture the kids."

"Deal. Come here," Freddie smiled and wrapped his arms around Sam. "I love you," he mumbled into her neck.

"I love you too."

"We have a little time. Brody's sleeping, the twins are distracting each--"

"Mom! Lily bit me!"

"We're parents, Freddie Benson, we never have time." Sam pushed away from him and walked out of the room. Freddie sighed and pulled his clothes out of the closet. It was going to be a long day after all.

X

Melanie was standing outside as they pulled into the driveway. She watched as the car pulled closer to the house. Sam couldn't stop staring at her; her usually curly hair was thrown on top of her head, her skirt was replaced by a pair of sweatpants that was covered in something green and she wore a shirt three sizes too big for her. She looked like a mess.

Sam got out of the car and pulled Brody from his car seat. She set him on the ground next to Lily and Liam and looked right into their eyes.

"Keep an eye on Brody. Don't go outside the yard and ask before you go in Aunt Melanie's pool okay?"

"Okay," they responded. Sam stood up as Lily and Liam each took one of Brody's hands and the three of them, followed by Freddie, went straight into the backyard. Sam walked towards the house, each step bringing her closer to Melanie and the disaster she had become.

"Mel, what happened to you?"

"Motherhood happened to me. Why? Do I really look that bad?"

Sam looked over her again. She had bags under her eyes, as if she hadn't slept in months. She'd lost more than just the baby weight and she was starting to look unhealthy.

"Well," Sam thought about the words. She didn't want to sound mean, but the fact that Melanie looked like she had a three week old instead of a toddler concerned her. "I don't know, Mel. What's going on? You look," she paused again, "you look miserable."

“I’m not—“ Melanie started, wiping at her eyes, “it’s just been so hard, Sam.”

“What’s hard?”

“Everything. This wedding. Being a mom. Everything. I feel like my whole world is falling apart.” Sam watched as Melanie tried to pull herself together and, finally, as she lost control of herself and broke down right in front of her.

“Mel…”

“Sometimes I just want my old life back, but then I feel so bad because Malia and Josh are everything to me. People told me that the first few months were hard, that having a newborn in the house was going to make me feel like I was going insane, but it’s nothing like this. I mean, when she was born I loved just standing over her crib and watching her sleep. I loved getting up with her in the middle of the night. I loved playing with her all day and cuddling with her. And now she can walk and it feels like I lost all that love. It’s like overnight she went from my sweet, precious little baby girl to this—“

"Mel!” Melanie and Sam looked into the house at the sound of a man’s voice. Josh. Sam could see her lip trembling again. “Malia's trying to--no! Malia don't put that in your mouth!"

"She just never stops," Melanie whispered. Sam hugged her.

"And Josh?"

"He's not much help. He just--"

"Melanie! I could really use your help right now!" Josh interrupted again.

"I'm coming!" she turned to walk into the house and Sam stopped her.

"Let me handle it."

"Sam, be nice to him."

"I'm not going to say anything. I've done this before, Mel. Let me handle it." she walked into the house, Melanie following behind her, and found Malia and Josh sitting on the living room floor. Malia had a candle in her hand and it was two inches from her mouth. Sam took it from her and was met by crying.

"First, you shouldn't have candles where she can reach them. Anything she can grab she will go in her mouth." Sam picked Malia up off the floor and rubbed circles into her back. "Shhh, you're fine. No need to cry."

"What took you so long, Melanie? I've got a hundred things to do for the wedding and you were supposed to be watching her!"

"I was waiting for Sam and Freddie."

"And you couldn't have taken her outside with you?"

"Josh, stop. We have company."

"Just your sister!"

"Josh!"

"Watch her, Melanie! I have to get things set up back there!"

"Hey!" Sam turned on Josh.

"No, Sam. It's fine. Go do whatever you have to do, Josh." they watched as Josh slammed the back door. Sam was furious. Nobody had a right to talk to anybody that way, especially a man who was supposed to love her sister.

"Melanie! That's not fine! What is going on here?"

"I don't know, Sam. We've just been stressed out. He's not usually like that, so I just ignore it. You know the wedding's tomorrow and we have three hundred things to do for the rehearsal and the wedding itself and Malia has been into everything. She always wants Josh and Josh is always busy trying to get everything arranged in the backyard. I feel like the second most amazing day of my life is just going right down the drain."

"That's how it typically happens, Mel. Everything is chaos before you get married, but it all seems to fall into place the second you walk down the aisle. Trust me."

"Sam, how do you do it? How do you maintain being a wife and a mom and stay sane?"

"Who said I'm sane? I'm telling you, Lily and Liam are enough to send me to a mental hospital," Sam laughed.

"I'm serious, Sam. I have no idea what I'm doing and I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I mean, Josh seems so annoyed and Malia. God I don't even know about Malia. It's like, whenever I tell her no she says yes. If I take something away from her she screams. Bedtime is a nightmare. I feel like I went wrong somewhere and that's why she acts like this."

"Melanie. It's not about doing things perfectly. Being a mom, it's messy and complicated and insane but it's also the most rewarding thing in the entire world. You learn as you go. Babies don't come with instruction manuals; they don't tell you what's wrong and they definitely don't listen but that's what makes it so exciting. You never know what's going to happen next. Every day with your baby, Melanie, is a good day if you let it be that way. Yeah, it's hard. I won't lie and say it's not, but it's worth it. You just have to decide to see the best in it and not the worst."

"Sometimes I just wonder what it would be like if I wasn't a mom and if I wasn't getting married and if I was just by myself."

"Trust me, we all feel that way. At least once a week I think about running away to Tahiti, but trust me,  once the whole wedding thing is done and Malia gets a little older you'll realize that the life you have is perfect, even when it's not."

"I'm so happy you're here, Sam!" Melanie pulled her into a hug again.

"You didn't think I would miss my only sister's wedding did you?" Sam laughed. Melanie pulled back and wiped her eyes. "Aw come on, Melanie. You know I hate when you do that."

"I can't help it."

"Yeah, I guess you've always been the sappy type."

"Shut up. Now where are my niece and nephews? I haven't seen them in almost two years."

"In the backyard. Come on. I better make sure Liam's not terrorizing your setup."

X

"Brody, no! Put that down!" Freddie ran over to the arch that was standing in front of rows and rows of chairs. Brody had his hands on one of the flowers next to the arch and Freddie knew he had only three seconds before Brody started tearing it apart. He took the flower from him and picked him up off the ground.

"Flower, daddy."

"Yes, it's pretty huh? But you can't play with it. It's for Auntie Mel's wedding tomorrow."

"Auntie?"

"Yeah, your auntie's getting married. Where are your brother and sister? I thought they were supposed to be playing with you."

Brody laughed. "They gone."

"Clearly. Alright why don't you--"

"Hey, you're Freddie right?" Freddie turned around and was face to face with a tall, brown haired man.

"Yeah. Why?"

"I'm Josh," the man laughed. "You know, father of Malia Rose, soon to be husband of Melanie."

"Good luck to you. Puckett women are insane."

"Mel's not so bad. Most of the time. Lately she's been really… emotional."

"Get used to it. I swear, one minute Sam's happy and the next she's pissed. I don't know what it is. But I love her to death just the way she is, so it works out."

"Melanie's just been upset. She doesn't yell or anything, she just locks herself in our room and cries and I hate that. I have no idea why because she won't even tell me about it."

"Well, it's probably got to do with the wedding and being a mom. I wouldn't take it personally."

“Man weddings are crazy. Why do women want all this?”

“All girls have this crazy idea that a wedding will make them feel like a princess for a day. Besides, after the wedding you get the honeymoon,” Freddie chuckled. Josh laughed.

“Then I guess it’s worth it.”

“So has she laid any superstitions on you?”

“Oh God yes. Not only does she have to wear a completely white dress, but I have to wear a completely white tux. We had to invite some lady from her work to the wedding so we didn’t have an odd amount of people at the wedding. She also thinks everything will go wrong if we spend tonight together, so she’s going to a hotel.”

“Shouldn’t she be having her bachelorette party tonight?”

“Nope. She said no and frankly, I’ve learned not to argue with her.”

“Good idea. Your first, last and only priority should be keeping her happy. If she’s happy everyone’s happy, and if she’s not. Watch out. Sam and Melanie might be complete opposites, but she’s still a Puckett and that’s bound to come out sometime.”

Josh laughed again. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

"Alright, well I better find my other two kids before they destroy something. Good luck tomorrow."

"Hey thanks. And they're behind the shed. At least they were last time I walked back there."

"Awesome," Freddie sighed. "That means they found something they probably shouldn't be touching. Thanks." Freddie walked away from Josh and ventured out into the backyard.

X

Freddie watched as Sam slowly brushed her hand across Liam’s hair. He had fallen asleep twenty minutes ago, but Sam hadn’t moved, instead opting to stare down at him in all his peacefulness.

“Hey Sam?”

She didn’t move, just continued to stroke Liam’s hair and stare down at him, a small smile glued on her face.

“Yeah?”

“Do you have any idea how much I love you?”

“I don’t know,” she laughed. “A lot.” She stood up and sat next to him on the bed.

“Well, yeah. But I’m being serious. I mean, just being with you. I don’t know how it gets better than this.”

“God what is today national let’s be sappy losers day in Florida?”

“Sam—“

“I’m just kidding, baby, and you know it. I know what you’re saying. Being with you is pretty amazing.”

“Do you ever wonder what life would be like if we’d ever given up?”

“I try not to think about it because that life is pretty dark and heavy.”

“God Sam, you are just the most amazing woman in the entire world. I mean, you’re beautiful and strong and as far as being a mother nobody compares to you. It’s crazy. I was talking to Josh today and I realized that I’ve overlooked everything being married is about.”

“I was talking to Melanie, too, and it made me realize just how much I’ve forgotten about marriage and family. Maybe that’s what it takes. Maybe it takes having to talk about it to actually know what you’re not doing.”

“I hope you know that every fight we have, every time I’ve been angry at you, every time I’ve ignored you, it’s not personal. I love you to death. I don’t know, I think being married for as long as we have been has made me take you for granted, and I don’t want it to be like that. Everything you do for me, Sam, for the apartment, for the kids, for yourself, it’s all just amazing and I never want you to think I don’t notice it because I do. Maybe I don’t say it enough but I do. As my wife and the mother to my kids, as my best friend and soul mate, you are the only one, Sam, and I wouldn’t change it for anything.”

“And I hope _you_ know that even when we are fighting, even when I’m angry at you, even if I’m ignoring you that I still think life with you and our family is perfect. Sure, there are flaws and there always will be, but you love me through mine, I love you through yours and even if everything falls apart day by day I’ll still see this messy, crazy, over the top ball of perfection when I look around. Life with you and Liam and Lily and Brody is all I need to be happy.”

“Look who’s being sappy now,” Freddie laughed.

“No, I’ve always felt this way deep down. I just haven’t admitted it.”

“I love you, Sam. So much more than I could ever say.”

“I love you too. So, bathroom in five minutes?”

“Wha—oh!” Freddie laughed. “It’s a date.”

X

Melanie was pacing around her bedroom, talking to herself under her breath and rubbing her hands together. Sam had been watching her do it for the past five minutes, hoping the nerves that were tied up in Mel’s stomach would loosen up enough for her to get dressed. It was obvious that it wasn’t going to happen on its own. Sam stood up, placed her hands on Melanie’s shoulders and stared her in the eye.

“Look, Mel. Today is going to be the best day of your life. The weather is beautiful, everything’s all set up in the backyard. People are starting to show up. Josh hasn’t seen you all day. What are you freaking out for?”

“What if I trip? What if I forget my vows or I cough or I laugh or—“

“I laughed during my wedding. It doesn’t make a difference, Melanie. Today is about you and Josh. If you trip, which won’t happen, you just catch yourself and keep on walking. If you forget your vows, which you won’t, look at me and I’ll remind you and if you cough or laugh, well, so what? It shows you’re comfortable with Josh and you know that this wedding, as amazing as it’s going to be, isn’t what matters. What matters is that you have him and Malia for the rest of your life. Okay? So come on. Get dressed. You’re getting married in 30 minutes.”

“Oh my God. I’m getting married.” Fear covered Melanie’s face and Sam smiled.

“Mel, you’re going to be fine. Remember how long you’ve been waiting for this? Trust me, once you see Josh all of your fears will just disappear. It will just be you and him. You won’t even notice anybody else around. Come on.” Sam picked up Melanie’s dress and laid it out on the bed. Mel looked at it, over at Sam, and back at the dress.

“Are you sure I’m not making a mistake, Sam? I mean, I love Josh but lately all we do is argue and, I mean, he’s been ignoring Malia for all this wedding planning and—“

“Melanie, do you remember how Josh was before you guys started planning the wedding? He was always so nice to you, you guys almost never argued, and I’m sure if he was a bad father you wouldn’t stick around like you have. You’re just nervous. You and Josh are so right for each other it’s kind of creepy. Now get dressed. There’s a man in a tux downstairs waiting to marry you.”

“Sam?”

“What?”

“I know it might be short notice and untraditional and maybe a little weird but…” Melanie bit her lip and stared at Sam.

“But what?”

“Will you give me away, Sam? I mean, dad’s not here. Hell he’s never been here. Mom’s a distant memory and I don’t have anyone else. I just thought, because your my sister and everything, that—“

“If you want me to I will. And who cares if it’s untraditional or weird? What about us has ever been traditional or normal?”

Melanie hugged her and Sam could feel her shaking. “I love you, Sam.”

“I love you too, Mel. Now get dressed. We have 22 minutes and counting!”

X

Sam and Melanie stood at the backdoor, hand in hand. Sam refused to link arms with her sister. It didn’t make sense. They’d never done it as kids, and now was not the time to start. They’d walk down hand in hand like they’d done millions of times when they were younger.

Melanie was still shaking and every few seconds she’d glance over at Sam, almost as if she would disappear. Sam squeezed her hand, reassuring her that she wasn’t going anywhere. Sam could see Freddie sitting in the front, where Melanie had insisted they sit, with Lily, Liam and Brody. Brody looked as if he was asleep, curled up comfortably in Freddie’s lap, and Lily and Liam were looking around. The music began and Melanie and Sam looked at each other one last time.

“Remember, today is about you and Josh,” Sam whispered. Melanie nodded, averting her attention back to the front. They stepped into the doorway and started walking. Sam could almost hear Melanie’s heartbeat. She looked over at Freddie, who smiled, and remembered how she felt when she was walking towards him. It was the longest and shortest moment of her life.

They stopped at the front and Melanie glanced at her again. Behind the fear in her eyes, Sam could see how happy she was. She wondered if that’s how she looked on her wedding day. When Spencer looked at her that day, did he see the fear and excitement?

“Who gives this woman to marry this man?” the priest was a short, fat man with no hair. He was dressed in a gray robe, which was odd for a wedding, especially in Florida. Sam smiled and squeezed Melanie’s hand one more time.

“I do.”

“Hey! I’m supposed to say that,” Josh joked. Melanie laughed and Sam placed her hand in Josh’s. Josh smiled at her and Melanie mouthed ‘thank you.’ Sam nodded and sat down next to her family.

“That was nice of you,” Freddie whispered.

“She’s my sister. What else was I supposed to do? Let her walk by herself?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Now be quiet.”

X

They had been walking around Magic Kingdom for close to an hour. The sun was high in the sky and it had to be at least 80 degrees, but he didn’t care. Lily and Liam were having more fun than he imagined they would. It was funny to him that they were more interested in the characters walking around then the rides themselves. Liam had always loved amusement park rides. Usually he was too small for the ones he wanted to go on, but here he had so many options he didn’t know where to start.

Lily had a fascination with princesses. Sam told him it was because he called her a princess all the time. He shook his head and laughed it off until Lily started walking up to them and saying “I’m a princess too. My daddy said so.”

Brody was scared of everything, or so it seemed. He didn’t like going by the characters or on any of the smaller rides. He didn’t want to walk or be put in a stroller, so Freddie ended up carrying him for most of the past hour. He was okay with it at first, but the hotter it got the less he wanted another person attached to him, even if that other person was only two.

“Okay guys. What do you want to do now?”

“There’s a show over on Main Street, U.S.A. Dream-along with Mickey or something.”

“Mommy.”

“What Lily?”

“I don’t feel good.”

“What do you mean?”

“My head hurts.”

“Okay, well,” Sam looked at Freddie and then took Lily’s hand. “Come on, just come sit over here. Are you hungry?” She led Lily to a bench off the path.

“I dunno.”

“Well do you feel hungry?”

“No.”

“Freddie when’s the last time she ate?” Freddie dug around in Brody’s bag, pulling out a small notepad. They used it to keep track of Lily’s eating schedule, her medicine, her breathing treatments. It was practically their lifeline with her.

“8:00 this morning when we woke up.”

“Do we have anything with us?”

“I know there’s crackers in here. I don’t know what else.”

“Here, give me the bag.” Freddie handed the bag to Sam and she started digging around in it.

“Mom?”

“You’re mom’s busy, Liam. Why don’t you sit down?”

“I wanna go to that show.”

“Not now, Lily’s sick.”

“Lily’s always sick! She always has to take her stupid pills and use that stupid tube! I’m sick of her being sick!”

“Watch your mouth, Liam Andrew Benson, or we’ll just go back to the hotel,” Freddie warned.

“No! She always ruins everything!”

“We’re not doing this right now. Stop the yelling and sit down.”

“I don’t wanna.”

“I don’t care. Sit down.”

“It’s not fair! You only care about her and Brody! You never care about what I want!”

“Liam. Sit down. Right now.” Freddie was losing his patience fast and as hard as he tried he couldn’t get over the annoyance he was feeling toward him.

“No! I hate her! She’s so stupid!”

“Sit your butt on that bench and shut up! I’m not telling you again!”

“Freddie.”

“I’m done, Sam! I’m tired of him talking back! Let’s get one thing straight, Liam. We’re the parents, you’re the child. You do as we tell you to do. I’ve had it with your attitude. You are not in control here. We are. Your sister is sick and we need to take care of her so I don’t want to hear another word out of your mouth! Got it?”

“Freddie people are staring at you. Stop it.”

“I bet you wish I wasn’t your son!” Liam shot back.

“I bet you’re right! There are days where I ask how on earth I got stuck with such a bratty kid!”

“Freddie!”

“Maybe I’ll just run away then!”

“Good luck!”

“Knock it off! I’m not going to stand here while—“Sam started. Liam turned and took off toward the entrance of the park. “Liam! Get back here!” Sam turned on Freddie. “What the hell is wrong with you? What kind of parent talks to their child like that?”

“What kind of child talks to their parents like he does, Sam? And the way he was talking about Lily was out of line!”

“And you telling him you wish you weren’t stuck with him wasn’t? I can’t believe you! Watch Lily, I’m going to go find him.”

“He’ll come back.”

“I mean it! If he gets lost here or someone takes him it’s going to be your fault! You’ll be lucky if you aren’t stuck sleeping outside for the next year!” Sam turned and ran off after Liam.

X

"Liam!" Sam had barely caught up with him when he took off again. She turned back for a second; making eye contact with Freddie and wishing looks could kill, and then took off after him again.

"Liam Andrew Benson! Get over here right now!" Before, she had cared that people were staring at them, judging them as parents and whispering behind their backs, but now all she cared about was catching up with her son before someone else did. Liam stopped for a second, looking to his right, then his left, and back to his right before running off again. In a matter of seconds he was lost in the crowd and Sam's heart dropped into her stomach.

_'Shit.'_

She started running again, her eyes darting around the park looking for the familiar blonde hair. She could count on one hand the number of times she'd been this scared and each time she'd felt that way in the past something bad had happened. She wanted to stop, to sit right in the middle of the path and just cry. She had hoped this experience would be amazing for her entire family, but it was turning out to be a disaster. Everything was going downhill and she couldn't stop it. She could hear her heart pounding against her chest and even though she was out of breath and it felt like her legs might give out any second, she pushed on, the thought of Liam disappearing moving her forward.

"Liam!"

Her eyes landed on a small boy curled up against the side of a bathroom building. She ran to him, stopping right in front of him. Dropping to her knees she pulled him into a fierce hug her relief at finding him at odds with her anger at his behavior. She pulled away and stared down at her son who was trying to look tough in spite of the tears welling up in his eyes.

"Don't you ever run off like that again! Do you hear me? You're in for a rude awakening when we get home, Liam! Do you have any idea what could have just happened to you?" Liam rolled his eyes, ignoring her, and looked away. Sam grabbed his face and forced him to meet her eyes. "Damn it, Liam! Listen to me!"

"Why? So you can yell at me too?"

“Hell yeah I’m going to yell! Do you know how fast someone could just grab you? God, Liam! You can’t just run off when you don’t like something we say!”

“Well maybe if he wasn’t so stupid!”

“Your father isn’t stupid, Liam, and you know I don’t like when you call people that!”

“Well I hate him! All he ever does is yell at me! He never yells at Lily like that, or Brody!”

“He doesn’t know what else to do! He’s trying, Liam, but it’s hard for him when you shut him out and ignore everything he says!”

“Well then what should I do?” the blaze in his eyes didn’t go unnoticed, and as mad as she was she couldn’t help but feel a little bad for him. The similarities between Sam and Liam were more than skin deep. His personality, his way of dealing with things, the way he sat and talked and walked; it was all an exact match of her. Sam sighed and moved to sit beside him against the building. She closed her eyes, trying to steady her breathing, before looking at him again.

“You should listen to him like you listen to me. He’s your father.”

“So?”

“So do you like being ignored?”

“You guys ignore me all the time!”

She could see through the mask; he was hurting, and when he was hurting he acted out. He didn’t know how to handle his emotions and when he admitted how he felt he got the same look on his face that Sam used to. Vulnerable. Scared. He used anger as a defense; a defense that would never work on her because she’d invented that game.

“Liam,” she sighed, reaching out to grab his hand. He sat stiff, staring down at his shoes, trying not to give in to her. “I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, we try. We do our best to keep to be fair, to never make you or your sister or brother feel left out. But sometimes, with Lily being sick and Brody being little, it gets hard.”

“It’s so stupid.”

“Well, yeah. It’s not ideal. But just because our attention is on _them_ it doesn’t mean we don’t love _you_. Liam, you have to understand that the three of you mean the world to us. When you hurt, we hurt. And maybe we aren’t perfect parents, maybe sometimes we say things that we don’t mean, maybe we yell and we fight and we mess up, but we try to keep you happy. And if you aren’t happy, honey, then you have to tell us because we can’t help you if you don’t ask.”

Liam’s voice grew soft, barely a whisper. “He doesn’t want me. He wishes I wasn’t his kid.” He looked up at Sam, his eyes blazing, “And you didn’t even say anything. You don’t care.” He pulled his hand away, slumping over his knees.

“Liam, what your father said was out of line. He shouldn’t have said it, but I know he didn’t mean it. He loves you Liam, and so do I.  So much more than you would understand. If we didn’t have you, Liam, our family wouldn’t be complete. You’re important to every one of us. To me, to your dad, to Lily and Brody. We’re a family Liam, and sometimes families fight and say things they don’t mean but good times or bad we love you and we always will. And I know we don’t say it very much and I’m sorry. That’s going to change. I promise. But you have to change a little too. The attitude, the talking back; it has to stop. I love you, but you can’t keep disrespecting your dad and me like you have been. I can’t let it slide anymore. You’re going to have to learn that there are consequences for the choices you make.”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“I know you are. So am I. Now, come here,” she opened her arms up and with a small smile he walked right into them. “We’ll talk more about this later. For now let’s just go back and have a good day okay? And you need to apologize to your father when we get back. You scared us.”

“Okay.”

Sam stood up and took Liam’s hand, refusing to risk him running off again, and they walked back across the park together. When they reached Freddie, Lily and Brody again, Sam looked down at Liam and let go of his hand. Liam looked back at his mother and she nodded. He turned, walking straight up to Freddie and stood there, as if he wasn’t sure what to do next.

Liam didn’t apologize often, it was one of the many things he was stubborn on, so getting him to do so was a job and a half. Freddie watched him for a few seconds before handing Brody off to Sam, even though he was clearly not pleased about being away from his father, and took Liam’s hand.

“Let’s go for a walk.”

They walked away from Sam, Lily and Brody and Freddie sighed.

“Listen, Liam. I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean that; any of it. You are quite possibly the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Things were really tough when your mom got pregnant with you and your sister and every day felt like a dream. Seeing you guys in all the ultrasounds and hearing your heartbeats and finally meeting you. Those are all things I’m never going to forget. You and your mother are so much alike it’s hard for me to understand it. You’re complicated and every second I think I’m closer to figuring you out you do something to surprise me…and honestly I love it. I love that you’re you. I love that you’re never going to pretend to be somebody else. But most importantly, Liam,” Freddie stopped and turned towards him. “I love you and that is something that will never change, even if you dye your hair pink and pierce your tongue.”

“Ew.”

“Yeah. Ew. Let’s not do that.”

“I’m sorry dad.”

“I know you are, little buddy. Now, your sister is feeling better so let’s go see that show.” Freddie led Liam back to the rest of their family and together they headed off to Main Street U.S.A.

X

“Come on guys, we’re home,” Sam whispered. It was late and the kids had fallen asleep in the car. Freddie was pulling Brody out of the car, hoping, for once, that he wouldn’t wake up. It would make things easier. She was shaking the twin’s softly, waking them up to walk upstairs.

“Come on. You can sleep once we get upstairs and you change.”

Lily opened her eyes first. She stretched and got out of the car slowly. Freddie opened the trunk of the car and handed her her suitcase. Sam was pulling Liam out of the car. He was a heavy sleeper and she didn’t want to stand outside all night trying to wake him up.

“Sam—“

“I’m fine. Give me his bag.”

“Sam, he’s half your weight. There’s no way you’re going to carry him upstairs. Take Brody, I’ll take Liam.”

“I’ve got him.”

“Fine. Suit yourself. Come on.” Freddie handed her Liam’s suitcase and took his own, along with Brody’s bag, out of the trunk before slamming it shut. They took the elevator up to the fifth floor and once inside, Sam dropped Liam’s suitcase and brought him straight into his room. She laid him in his bed, wrapped him up in the blanket and stared down at him.

“Goodnight, Liam.” She kissed his forehead and walked out of the room.

“Night mom,” Lily yawned. Sam smiled.

“Goodnight princess.” She walked into the living room and sat next to Freddie on the couch.

“So,” Sam started.

“That was fun. I don’t know why we didn’t do it sooner. I think the kids really enjoyed themselves.”

“Enough to make it a yearly thing?”

“No way.”

“Fair enough.”

“You tired, baby?”

“No. Are you?”

“No.”

“Well, I have an idea then,” she smiled.

“And that would be?”

“Let’s watch our wedding video.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We haven’t watched it in…ever.”

“Okay.” Freddie got up and took it off the shelf. They put it up so the kids couldn’t reach it. They liked having it there in case they ever wanted to watch it. Freddie put it in the DVD player and sat back down next to Sam. He put her arm around her and she leaned into him.

“Ready?”

“Ready.”


End file.
